Great weekend

What a fun weekend. Saturday, our church was having a "love run". The money earned went to the benevolence fund. I wanted to walk it, but there way no way my dr would let me. With the progression of the Eaton-Lambert disease, it was probably a good thing. So I rode with one of the men in his handy dandy golf cart. So much fun. After the run, I went with Mandi, James, and kiddos in their busvan to eat lunch and do some shopping. I sat on the same seat as Brystol and Elleigh. Elleigh thought I was funny, and I thought Brystol was funny. It is amazing how many people and stuff can be packed in one vehicle. Got up and went to church this morning. Cheryl and I had gotten our pastor and youth pastor a couple of thank you gifts for all they have done for us. After we presented them with our gifts, pastor preached an awesome message, as always. Then after church, I signed up me and my cousin, Charlene, for a Womens retreat. I haven't been in years, and Charlene has never been. It is in her neck of the woods, so it should be fun. Just a weekend with God, each other, and 2 other people God puts us with. I am blessed. I am blessed with good friends, an awesome church, a family that loves me, and still finding ways to serve God. Most of all, I am being blessed with hair!! Now let's hope the radiation doesn't knock it back out. Becky

My Bros and Sis

For those of you that haven't known me for many years, you would have no way to know that my sister is a 16 year cancer survivor. She was the only one of us that never smoked and ended up with throat cancer. The drs at MD Anderson said she was terminal. They couldn't save her life, but they could prolong it. Well, at this point, it's been prolonged 16 years. I have had a rough week. I have been told things from drs I interpreted as terrible, and I took them at their word. I mean, come on, how many miracles does one family get? And she got it first. Based on my extreme fatigue, and just overall feeling really bad, not even energy to do my laundry, I have felt my life was getting shorter and shorter. I have stated this to my brothers last week, and to my sister this week. Well, me saying this didn't set too well with the sibs. Now it's truly how I felt because I seem to be getting worse instead of better. Fatigue levers are thru the roof, I just don't feel good. I see iy as a down hill slide. After my sister did her own rear chewing, she explained it was because it takes alot to bounce back from chemo. Alot. I had no idea it would take this long. She reminded me that after radiation, I would feel like I was dying, but I won't be. Wish they wrote a book on what to expect. But then I guess all people are different. So tonight, I am grateful for my rear chewing bros and sis. I am thankful God put them in my life so I won't give up. I am thankful they remind me what I'm fighting for, even if I do call them ugly names because they are right. I love you, Ruby, Mike, William, and Brenda. This is not a journey I am on alone, I just forget that sometimes. Thank you for being there! Becky

Just pray

A couple of weeks ago, I got put in a position with a person that my answer should have been "no". But I couldn't bring myself to say no. My mouth meant to say "no" but what came out was "yes". I am just not sure how this happens. Yes just popped out of my mouth. As I began to open up to others about my yes word, it was said to me over and over, " don't you know this is going to be disastrous?". Yes. "don't you know you will be used?". Yes. " don't you know nothing is going to change" yes. "don't you know you are supposed to keep your stress levels low?" yes "don't you know this is going to raise your stress levels to a point it could kill you?". Yes. " if you know all this, every bit, why are you doing it? I somehow felt 5 cuz my answer was "I dunno". Sounds like a 5 year old, huh. "no, what are you going to do now? You have already set this in motion?". The truth was, they were right, I was codependent with no good answer, and all I could come up with on what was I going to do now? Pray. I'm just going to pray. I have a few days before my yes should have been no, so I will pray. Now, I'm going to tell you, we got within hours, HOURS, of this thing occurring, and God interviened. I was suddenly taken completely out of the picture, and the person that did the asking? Their life is better than it has been in a year. It is beyond what they can imagine or think. And the best part to me is, this family is beginning to build a relationship with the Lord. Now how cool is that? AND it had nothing to do with me. It is between them and God. Now just how quickly I forget. Today, just today, I go to the Dr. I am given the results of my scan, and the understanding Cheryl and I got from the Dr was that I had 3-4 months left to live. If I was lucky. I have to admit, sadness overtook me. I accepted what was said, and became so incredibly sad. I figured it up, and was glad I would be here for the holidays. But they would be my last. Lord, you just have to give me some kind of strength. Even a teensy bit. Just a little. I'll take any strength you throw my way. As I went in for the brain scan, I began to cry. Tears are running down my face, and I quickly figure out this was not such a good idea, because they put a mask over my face and my nose is running. Oh, great, can things get worse? I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. There must be something I can do. I've always been a problem solver but this is out of my hands. Ok, Lord, I'm slow. I know what to do. Just pray. Pray for wisdom of my Drs, pray I make the right choices, pray I live lots longer than they are predicting, pray for strength, courage, and calmness. Lots of it. And Lord, is it too much to ask you to wipe my nose? As I lay there, questions began to pop in my mind about the things we were told by the dr. I don't have a few months. My dr was comparing my 4th scan with my 3rd scan. I thought he was comparing the 4th scan with the 1st scan. Big difference in the 2 scans. From 1st scan, most of my cancer is gone. Now, with small cell cancer, I will never be cured (or so he says, I've learned to just pray). But I can live longer. I will live to show Elleigh I have her hair. I will live to laugh at Brystol. I will live to hold Piper and kiss her little face. I will live to cuddle with Riley-Grace, and I will live to get Bub to walk me across a parking lot holding my hand ( he hates that). So today, I am blessed. I am better than I was yesterday, and those who put up with me boo-hooing yesterday know who you are and how I was. I am blessed to be given another day-you are too. I am blessed that God loves me - you are too. But most of all, I know God will take me when he's ready, and not a minute before- you too. So we keep going. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's hard because of my Eaton-Lamberts disease, but I make it, and haven't fallen down. If I do, I will get back up. I will always get back up. And for that, I can praise the Lord! Good night, Becky

I go tomorrow for the results of the belly/pelvis scan. The problem for me, is because it is a CT scan, I'm not going to believe the results. One time I had a CT scan checking for cancer. First scan they ever did to look for it. It showed a little teen-iny bit of cancer. Because of that, they did a PET scan and it showed my chest region was eat up with cancer. So if the dr says it doesn't show any cancer, what does that mean? I have a little? Or a lot? With this cancer being so aggressive, if it shows none, and I have some, untreated I live weeks. This is the part I hate about insurance companies. They make the decisions. I was told that my dr spent an hour on the phone trying to explain why I needed a PET scan, all to no avail. So I will go in tomorrow, I will be told something, and I can tell you I won't believe it. But I will go anyway, just because I see Dr Konduri, and he has fought so hard for me. If the cancer was gone, and I could be sure it was gone, I could sure rest better. I'm just so tired. Tired of chemo, tired of drs appts, tired of not being able to walk very well, tired of mouth blisters, tired of nausea and diarrhea, and all of it with no end in sight. So today, I am asking, or maybe begging is the right word, for God to give me some kind of strength. Strength to put one foot in front of the other (and not fall down), strength to want to get up in the morning, strength to not be afraid to eat because of all the problems that causes, or maybe just strength to care again. But most important, strength to just not be afraid. I have discovered that I am terrified of what lies ahead, and a huge part of me doesn't want to face it. I would rather call it off now, but then I know that's cowardly. I'm not so sure what happened to my will to live, my drive, or my determination, but somehow it has left me. And that makes me sad. I pray it comes back. I pray I can get to a point I care again. If you pray for me, pray for this. That I will care again and will fight again. I know I'm tired. Maybe that's just it. But whatever this is, pray that these feelings go away, and my will to live returns, cuz right now, I'm just not feeling it. Thank you all for any prayers sent my way. Becky

What a weekend

I go tomorrow for my scans. These are the scans that tell me whether the cancer is still here, in which case I start chemo all over again. If it's gone, I get ready for the 10 brain radiations. Either way kind of sucks. I don't like either of the choices. This alone is a lot of stress. And some silly Dr told me to keep my life as stress free as possible. Oh pa-lease! Now we add to this that I have family members that I love nipping at each other. This one is not allowed over here, the other ones are not allowed over there, I am not allowed to get family members around the wrong ones or I'm in trouble. Good Lord. I am at a loss for words. Honestly, due to the turmoil, I have about decided to just take the easier road ( I am doing the less stressful thing) and I have pretty much decided not to have the brain radiation. Just let whatever happens, happens. I was actually told this week, that because of something that happened 10 years ago, one family member has decided not to see the other again. 10 freaking years ago! But the thought of not seeing this person didn't dawn on him, until he had been done that way by another family member. So if the truth be told, I may not do chemo either. I will decide that when the time comes. Some things in life, I just do not understand. Some things are just hard for me to grasp. I understand boundary setting, but unforgiveness is something I have a hard time with. After the 10 years of unforgiveness, I am at a loss. These decisions are mine. Chemo causes me to be exhausting, nauseating, cause mouth blisters, give me diarrhea,depression, chemo brain, and all for what? Not so sure any more. So I guess tomorrow is a day to find out how much longer I have. Now off that subject, I went to Tulsa to try to help my brothers move Mike into his new-to-him house. It is so cool, and so perfect for him. He is 5 blocks from town, but it feels like he lives in the country. He even has a real chicken house, and plans to get chickens. He has pecan trees everywhere, so I told him I wanted a big box of pecans for Christmas. his house has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths. A big workshop out back, and since both of my brothers are good at woodworking, this will become the official shop. I am excited for both of them, (and my sweet sister-in-law gets her garage back). So it has been a great, but tiring weekend. Glad to be home. Think I will shower and go to bed. Pray for tomorrow. I'm good either way. Maybe I'm just tired of fighting. God will sort it out becky

It's amazing what happens when a person is first diagnosed with cancer. At first, it's all you think about. It is in your face like a banner, and you can't see over it, around it, or thru it, and you just know you will never feel happiness or laughter again. Then they decide the best way to treat you. Now, I would really get that, or maybe should say I would have a happier attitude about it if I knew all the torture they can think of would save my life. But they tell me they cannot save my life, just prolong it. well, I guess that beats a blank, but you do not know how I wish, hope and pray they could save my life. Since I've had my last chemo, I am feeling better and better every day. Many times I feel so good, I forget I have terminal cancer. The drs are going to do a scan in a few weeks. If the scan shows I'm cancer free, then we move toward 10 brain radiations. If the scan shows cancer, we start all over again. I don't like either of these choices, can I have door number 3? So I hang on to God. I just hang on. I am grateful for each day. I am thankful that Riley likes to cuddle, and Brystol makes me laugh out loud every time I look at her picture posing with her seashell. I cannot die yet, I may miss something. Call me in denial, but just what if I don't go? What if I just don't die? Maybe I just won't accept that and do what I want. Something to think about...wonder what God would think about that?

1st annual Bettge cousins reunion

I, like most people, have 2 sides to my family. There is my mothers side, the Edgemons, the normal ones, then there is the Bettge side, the, well, not so normal side. On a fluke, this weekend, most on the Bettge cousins got together for the 1st annual Bettge cousins reunion at my house. If you grew up Bettge, here is what we were taught by our parents. First of all, love God. That's it, He comes first. The second thing we were taught, was to love each other. Really love each other. The third thing we were taught was to forgive one another for...whatever. It didn't matter. Jesus said forgive, so we just do it. And lastly, we were taught to laugh. Really laugh. Until your sides and stomach hurt, or you wet yourself, whichever came first. We do not talk bad about one another because not only is it not nice, but there is nothing bad to say about the others. We are a stick together family. When one is hurting, we all hurt. So, this weekend, most of the Bettges met at my house. My aunt Jean Edgemon was to also come over on Sat to help me with pictures. When she called me Sat, I purposely didn't tell her the house was filled with crazy Bettges. I was afraid she wouldn't come. So here she comes, so unsuspecting and trusting. It wasn't long until not only was she an "honorary" Bettge cousin ( she has the coffee cup to prove it), but she was acting as crazy as the rest of us. Linda and Buddy, thank you for the Easter egg hunt in Aug, and the sundaes on Sunday. Yum, yum. Your Cajun corn soup was to die for, no , I, the cancer patient, don't mean that, but it was sure good. I cannot begin to tell you the craziness that went on in my house the last 2 days, but I can tell you the Bettges that have gone to heaven before us, looked down from heaven, and were proud. Proud of us carrying on tradition. I will say, I have not laughed like this in years. Really. If it is true that laughter and happiness cure cancer, then I am cured! I love the Lord for putting me with this crazy family. I am grateful he gave us the parents he did that taught us to love Him and each other. I am grateful to have been taught to forgive and not to talk bad behind someones back. And aunt jean, I am grateful, you are now officially a Bettge. I love my family. All of them. Thank you all for making me laugh so hard that not only do my sides and stomach still hurt, but I wet myself. Oh, don't judge me, you did too!