What a week

For those that do not know, I have been in the fight of my life. On Monday, last week, I began brain radiation. First day of 15. At the end of day 1, I was exhausted. I went back home to my daughters house. I laid down to sleep, and tho I have no memory of it, she told me I got up a couple of times thru out the night. Day 2, we drive back downtown for my brain radiation. This is the last of my memories for several days. I woke up in ICU, not quite sure how I got there, groggy, exhausted, and a family and friends that prayed for recovery. What I do know, is I was in a spiritual battle for my life. Not for my soul, but for my life. I have come out of it exhausted, head in a fog, and not ready to do battle again anytime soon. According to my daughter, I was no longer there. I, her mother, was gone. She said I kept trying to step out of her bus on the highway while she's traveling 70 mph. She said I babbled, made no sense, even went so far as to scare my grandkids, because I was so "gone". So today, I thank my daughter, for hanging on to me, for keeping me safe. I thank my family and friends for praying without ceasing, and most of all, I thank my God for giving me a time left on earth. I love the Lord, and I thank him for fighting this battle for me. (tho somehow I'm still exhausted). Tho today I spend my days laying around and just resting, I am grateful to be here. Keep praying for me. Pray for strength, pray for healing, for now, brain radiation is off the table. My meds have been cut way back, and I am ready to move forward. Keep praying. I surely do need it. Becky

Cancer is tiring

Cancer is tiring. So many decisions to make. I remember years ago, there was a game show that the contestants took a step. If they took a correct step, they made money and got to decide whether to take another step. If they stepped again, and it was a correct step, they made more money and could continue on. Or they could stop, take what they had and hope for the best. If they took a wrong step, they fell thru the floor, and lost it all. Today, I feel that way. I have to make the right step, or it is deadly. I am scheduled for 3 weeks of brain radiation starting Monday after thanksgiving. I am terrified to have this done. I know it's necessary, but it is frightening to have your head bolted to a table and then fried. On top of this, some of my cancer has come back in "clusters". I honestly thought I would have more time than this before the cancer came back. Now they will do another ct scan and decide what to do next. Dr konduri told me some time back, that once the cancer returned, they would put me on a different kind of chemo and hope for the best. Due to my weakened state, I doubt they will do both at the same time. So I will have to make some decisions, I'm afraid, and pray it is the right one. And it is so hard to know which is right, until after you make it. Then you know whether it was right or wrong. I know fear comes from the devil, but so help me, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I don't have much longer to live, and I have lots to live for. I'm afraid I will make the wrong choice, and fall thru the floor, loosing it all. I'm sad I won't get to see me grand babies grow up. Half of them are so big, they don't have time for nanny anymore. I know, very normal. I just wish they had a little more time. But of course, I wish I had a little more time. I know tomorrow is another day, but at this point, I'm just sad. I'm sad my time is so little, sad I wont get to spend my holidays with my kids, grandkids, brothers, sister, and in laws. Some live too far away, this one is mad at that one, that one is hurt at this one, some are as sick as I am, some don't have the money, and some are spending holidays with their own families. I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm just sad today.

My miracle drug

I went to Houston on the 1st, and met with a neurologist named Dr Phan. She is a wise woman and made me feel very confident in her knowledge of Lambert-Eaton Myastenic Gravis. This is a rare disease that has rendered my legs nearly useless, weakening my arms, and making it hard to swallow. Due to this sickness, I have a hospital bed, and a scooter heading my way. It is all I can do to get from my bed to my recliner. I cannot sit up on my own, so to get out of bed, I've had to take the box springs off my bed, and roll off onto the floor, get on my knees, and slowly pull myself up. I have fallen into the bathtub, out of the bathtub, or can't get out of the tub at all. So it has kind of sucked that I've fought so hard to beat this cancer, but then to spend my life bed bound, is no quality of life. I hate to admit it, but the harder it has gotten to walk, the more I have prayed God would take me on. Dr phan was telling me about this drug that has been used in Europe with great results. Only it has not been approved by the FDA here. However, due to a compassionate care program, one dr in the US has access to it, and it happens to be Dr Phan. She approved me for it, and I got my 1st bottle today. I took 1 pill this morning, and 1 pill this afternoon. After just 2 pills, I was walking so well, Kate and I went to ikea, I walked every step, and felt strong with every step. It is a miracle. The last time I went to the dr, Kate had to push me in a wheelchair, because i was so weak. I felt like I could have danced the night away just after 2 pills. I am in awe. Now I can concentrate on beating cancer, instead of praying to die. God is so awesome. Meeting Dr Phan was a miracle in itself, and could have only happened thru God. Getting the drug- 3,4 DAP, was a miracle, and since it has not been approved by the FDA, they only charge me shipping. Nothing for the medicine. So what a miracle. I am so grateful to God for all He has done, how He has intervened, and has looked out for me, especially when I didn't even know what to pray for. I love the Lord. I love that He still loves me even when I argue with him. Tonight, I'm just grateful. I love miracles, and especially, when they happen to me.

Trip to Houston

Kate got me to Houston without a hitch. Saw the neurologist, and it was a great visit. She said I definitely have Lambert-Eaton, and I definitely have small cell lung, she has my records. What has amazed her is how good I look when in reality I should be dead. I told her that I told God I wasn't going. She said I definitely qualify for the miracle drug called 3 4 DAP. She is mailing a 2 month supply to my home and I should have it by the end of the week. I am so, so blessed. Without this drug, dr said I would be bedbound within a month. I couldn't stand that. To have fought so hard to live, only to end up in bed the rest of my life. Dr said I should feel the difference within a few days, maybe even first day. Praise the Lord! This is the best news I've had since I was told I was going to die. Course, I guess any news would be better than being told I was going to die. So I am excited! I get the medicine for free, I just pay the shipping. And I only see this dr once every 6 months. My neurologist will monitor me more frequently. I looked out the window while I was there, and saw MD Anderson. Hospital. My sis was there while fighting a deadly throat cancer. She has been cancer free for 16 years. I took this as a sign of hope. I love the Lord I serve. For getting me to Houston safely, getting me in with these drs, getting me this miracle drug. But most of all for putting up with my nonsense. I do admit, this is one of those times I just want my mama. Keep praying and keep the faith. Becky

This past March

This past march, I was diagnosed with small cell lung carsenoma extended, or oat cell cancer. I was also diagnosed with a rare disease called lambert-eaton myastenic syndrome. And treatment for both are as painful as you might expect. One was the worst pain you could imagine, and I've had babies! Right after diagnosis, in March, I was told had days to live. Did i want to go home and die there, or be moved to palliative care where they will make me comfortable until I die? I didn't like either of those choices, so I chose door number 3. My daughter and sister did some research and found Baylor Cancer treatment center downtown was the best there was. My dr is Dr Konduri. He has never, not one time said to me that I will die. I know this cancer is terminal, but we don't talk about that because I dont want to. Dr konduri keeps an eye on every aspect of my treatment. He goes over my medicine, wants to know who prescribed it. Do I have their phone number? He will call them, right then, and tell them to take me off of it, or change it. So now I've gone from days to live to the results of my scan from Wednesday. Today I was told my scan was awesome. I have one lymph node that has enlarged, but due to my cough, he thinks it's an infection. He is going to rescan in 2 weeks to be sure it's an infection, but I feel well enough, I believe that is all it is. The other good news is the wound specialist has cleared me for brain radiation. I guess that's good news, but it needs to be done. So in march, I was given days to live. Now, thanks to the God I serve, 8 months later I'm still here. YEAH! Now I just have to deal with lambert-eaton. My legs just don't work well at all. I do the old woman shuffle. If this continues, I will be bed ridden very soon. I go to Houston soon, Nov 1, to be re-examined. If all goes well, I will be given a drug that they say will make my legs normal. Good lord, what a miracle! It would suck to be given more time here on earth, only to have to spend it in bed. So today, I am so grateful to God for all he has done to keep me alive, feeling fairly good, and getting me on the right track for lambert eaton. I am blessed. I am grateful, I am happy, and I am enjoying my life. To my brothers, beware. I am going to be around to bug you for awhile. And to my sister, i already know she is on my side. Thank you Lord for keeping me alive this long. Giving me another grandbaby. I love having 11 of them rascals. just thank you Lord. Y'all keep praying for me. Please. Keep the faith! Becky

Sorry, I hit a wrong button. I have to realize it's not all about me, but my ego is wounded ever so slightly. To my step-sisters on my Fathers side, thank you all for meeting with me early. It meant the world to see you all that extra time when we met early. Rachel and jenny, it was awesome for y'all to be there. Now you know why we are wounded souls. But God lifted us up, saved us, and given us the courage to give up most character defects. I am so blessed. I am loved by many who are not afraid to show it. Keep praying. I am still praying for strength and healing. I fell out of bed last night. After I got past my wounded ego, then I had to muster the strength to get up. It was hard. Just keep praying...Becky

1 Peter

In reading my Bible tonight, I read 1 Peter 1:6-7. " So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead,even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for awhile. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold. So if your faith remains strong after after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.". What awesome scripture!! I just wish, hope and pray I am passing all those trials. As some of you know, I went to Tulsa weekend before last. I went to give my testimony for what I believe will be my last testimony. I had to be helped up the maybe 4 steps by my son. My legs just wouldn't work well on their own. I gave my testimony, and had to be helped down. I have to ask someone, (maybe God), after being bald, can we cut it out with the humiliation! After being bald, I discovered I'm vain. I never would have known that until my head was as slick as a baby's rear end. The other thing I have always known is I HATE asking for help. I just hate it. My body has deteriorated to the point I need help for most everything. The other thing I believe, is God is preparing me for my death. I so pray I am wrong because I'm not done talking about Him. But I believe He is preparing me just the same. I feel if I live 6 more months, it will be a miracle. Now don't everybody go jumping on my for my "lack of faith". It is not that. I have faith in God to know He will take me when he's ready. God also got it thru my thick skull when my husband died, that to God, death is not a punishment, but a reward. It only feels like a punishment for those left. I am also not asking you to quit praying for healing. I would so love to be healed! I would love lots more holidays with my kids and grandkids. I so wish I could have all my kids and grandkids here for what I believe is my last holidays. But that is impossible. 3/4 of my family live out of state. The other thing I have to remember is my kiddos are busy, have lives of their own, and already have plans. I just always believe it's all about me.