Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, and I cannot believe I am still on earth. God, in all his mercy and grace, has left me here way longer than predicted by the drs. And to top everything off, I feel great! For as sick as I've been in the last 9 months, it is a miracle, for sure. But of course, God is still in the miracle business. I am so blessed. So this Christmas, I will face it with a childlike awe I haven't known since I was very small. The awe that God, my Creator, loves me enough to care about what I want. That I wanted to live long enough to see my 11th grandchild born (she was born in Oct), that I wanted to live to be older than 55 (I turned 56 in nov), and that I wanted to spend Christmas with my family. My goals (wants) keep changing. Now my goal/wish is to be at Chelsea's college graduation. Which is in May. After spending a wonderful couple of days with my son and family, I will go to my daughters and stay the night with her, James, and 5 more grandkids. So today, my life is good. I will go to the Christmas Eve Service at church to spend time with my God. I will reflect of not only what God has done for me, but sent His own Son to pay the ultimate price for my eternity with Him. As a person with a terminal disease, I am beginning to understand the sacrifice of death, without, of course, all the pain and torture Christ endured, just to pay for MY sin. I am grateful for everyday I am given on Earth. I know it is a gift from God. Keep praying for me. I am still fighting this thing. And I will continue to fight, until God tells me to stop and come on home. So this Christmas eve of 2011, I know I am blessed beyond measure. I pray your Christmas is just as blessed. Keep the faith. Becky

Being happy

It's amazing what cancer can do. It has crippled my body, mind, and I hate to admit it, but somehow I allowed it to cripple me spiritually. How sad is that!! since march, I have felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, weak from extreme fatigue, been to ICU twice, once on a ventilator, and thru all that, all I had was my faith in my creator to hold on to. About a month ago, I was back in ICU, not expected to pull thru. Physically, I was unconscious, or out of my head. Not sure which. What was going on in my head, was I was in such a dark place, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I knew I was hanging somewhere between heaven and earth. I knew I was in a spiritual battle, and all I could hear was my brother, mikes, voice saying over and over again, "don't you dare die on me". I also knew, somehow, the devil was fighting God, or his angels for my life. I also knew Satan could kill me, but I knew he couldn't take my soul. Not sure how I knew these things, but I did know. As I cried out to God, I knew to follow the voice of my brother, mike. I knew his voice would lead me out. Mike just kept saying, over and over, "don't you dare die on me". I fought hard. Very hard. I don't know if it was days or hours, but I did come out. I had been told of all the crazy things I did. I have no memory of it. But I do remember my fight. And I give God all the glory! Now, I said all that, to say this. When I came home from the hospital, I was weak. So I would get out of my bed, go to my recliner, and sit until bedtime. But as my strength increased, I found I was doing the same thing. Bed, recliner, bed. What kind of a life is that? All I was doing was sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. Since I believe God fought to keep me here, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to do anything for Him. I have always believed happiness is a choice. So I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up, be happy, and get about my Fathers business. My friend, Richard, is starting a Celebrate Recovery in Lewisville. A group of us went to that church today to hear Richard preach an awesome service on Celebrate Recovery. Jan 4th is their kick off, and I intend to be there to see if I can be some help. I have been reminded that when I am giving to others, gives me less time to focus on, and feel sorry for myself. So now, I just have to keep praying God will show me where he can use me, and pray the next time I sit down for a pity party, He will slap me upside the head. What a ride I've been on since March. I've gone from weeks to live, and still here. Praise God for it. I understand that as long as I live, any treatment will not be fun. But God will be by my side. He's gone this far with me, and I have every confidence He will go the rest of the way, until He leads me to Heaven. Keep praying. I truly believe that is why God has kept me alive this long. Keep the faith. Becky

I fell

About a month ago, I fell in the bathtub. Kind of a side effect from Lambert-eaton, and weak legs and arms. I hit my shoulder, and tho I didn't bruise, I was sore, but thought it would be ok. A week goes by, and it just gets worse. Went in for x-rays, they show nothing. Over the next 2 weeks, it progressively gets worse. Back to the dr, x-rays, nothing. Went in for brain radiation, and we all know how that turned out. While in hospital, arm hurting beyond belief, so they x-rayed, never heard anything. Had a ct scan done, and that showed torn rotator cuff and twisted nerves. Ortho guy talking surgery, and I'm trying to get it scheduled before end of the year. Then Cheryl had a thought. Maybe I should check with oncologist and make sure it was ok. Didn't think of that. The only thing about surgery that scared me was when they attempted to do the bronchospy I woke up in ICU on a ventilator. So I called the oncologist, talked about surgery on rotator cuff, and the reply was "no way". If I would have let them cut me, the cancer would have spread. Thank you, Cheryl for thinking of such things. I never would have. I am scheduled for a PET scan after Christmas. I am praying for good results. I am praying for my health, a good Christmas, and help with medical bills. Not for this year, but next. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

A good day

Today has been a good day. I have to say my first good day in a long time, very long time. Not because I especially feel better, not because I suddenly don't have cancer, I still do. But it's because I decided to have a good day. I have believed happiness is a choice, and today I made the decision to make it a good day. I got out of the house, smelled the fresh air. Went to walmart and WALKED. Miracle, huh. All the books or articles I have read on cancer says "don't stop exercising. Well, I never really exercised, but I would walk to the moon and back helping customers at Home Depot. Due to lambert-eaton, I could not walk very well. The clinical trial drug I take helps alot. So I walked. Tomorrow night, I am going to the Home Depot Christmas party. That should be fun. I'm a little intimidated because I look way different with cancer than without. But it will be fun. I will just be happy to be around my Home Depot family. I cannot believe that 2 weeks ago I was in ICU, fighting for my life, literally, and tomorrow I'm going to a party. Thank you Lord for giving me more time. According to my drs in march this year, I should be dead by now. Long gone. But glory to God, I'm still here, plus I just refuse to go yet. I'm anxious for Christmas, seeing my kids and grandkids, eating too much food, and giving gifts. I'm anxious to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior, and to see what comes next. In march, will be a year since diagnosed. Keep praying. Dont stop. Don't give up on me, cuz I'm fighting. Keep the faith. Becky

I have always been a people person. I enjoy listening to them, watching them, talking to them, and just being around them. That is why my job at The Home Depot was such perfect job for my. I became a family with my fellow coworkers, I had managers I had grown to love, managers I liked, managers I tolerated, and them the one that made me dread going to work. Really dread it. My life was fairly good. Bills got paid, I enjoyed my kids and grandkids, and kept drama out of my life. I did this on purpose, just because I wanted and needed the sanity. I am struggling today with maintaining this sanity. I am just getting over a major setback. After 2 brain radiations, my brain swelled. You can only imagine the problems from that. Now truthfully, I don't remember it. I just remember the "battle" to come back. Even after coming back, I have remained exhausted for a week. However, Praise the Lord, things are becoming back to normal. Tho i don't feel exactly competent to make my own decisions, or drive myself, I am returning. Slowly, surely, and with God help, this will all be a bad memory. I meet tomorrow with the radiologist, and oncologist to see where we go from here. I do know at this time, I'm calling off radiology. I cannot take it. Beyond that, I am not physically or mentally capable of making that decision. Mama also said when in doubt, don't. So I wont Keep praying for strength, courage to face my future, and the ability to make the right decisions. I couldn't face this without God. I just couldn't. I know he loves me, died for me, and a promise of eternity with Him. I love that, just not quite ready to go yet. Pray for strength. Pray for courage, and pray for peace in decisions made. I still need the prayers. Keep the faith, Becky

What a week

For those that do not know, I have been in the fight of my life. On Monday, last week, I began brain radiation. First day of 15. At the end of day 1, I was exhausted. I went back home to my daughters house. I laid down to sleep, and tho I have no memory of it, she told me I got up a couple of times thru out the night. Day 2, we drive back downtown for my brain radiation. This is the last of my memories for several days. I woke up in ICU, not quite sure how I got there, groggy, exhausted, and a family and friends that prayed for recovery. What I do know, is I was in a spiritual battle for my life. Not for my soul, but for my life. I have come out of it exhausted, head in a fog, and not ready to do battle again anytime soon. According to my daughter, I was no longer there. I, her mother, was gone. She said I kept trying to step out of her bus on the highway while she's traveling 70 mph. She said I babbled, made no sense, even went so far as to scare my grandkids, because I was so "gone". So today, I thank my daughter, for hanging on to me, for keeping me safe. I thank my family and friends for praying without ceasing, and most of all, I thank my God for giving me a time left on earth. I love the Lord, and I thank him for fighting this battle for me. (tho somehow I'm still exhausted). Tho today I spend my days laying around and just resting, I am grateful to be here. Keep praying for me. Pray for strength, pray for healing, for now, brain radiation is off the table. My meds have been cut way back, and I am ready to move forward. Keep praying. I surely do need it. Becky