Being happy

It's amazing what cancer can do. It has crippled my body, mind, and I hate to admit it, but somehow I allowed it to cripple me spiritually. How sad is that!! since march, I have felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, weak from extreme fatigue, been to ICU twice, once on a ventilator, and thru all that, all I had was my faith in my creator to hold on to. About a month ago, I was back in ICU, not expected to pull thru. Physically, I was unconscious, or out of my head. Not sure which. What was going on in my head, was I was in such a dark place, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I knew I was hanging somewhere between heaven and earth. I knew I was in a spiritual battle, and all I could hear was my brother, mikes, voice saying over and over again, "don't you dare die on me". I also knew, somehow, the devil was fighting God, or his angels for my life. I also knew Satan could kill me, but I knew he couldn't take my soul. Not sure how I knew these things, but I did know. As I cried out to God, I knew to follow the voice of my brother, mike. I knew his voice would lead me out. Mike just kept saying, over and over, "don't you dare die on me". I fought hard. Very hard. I don't know if it was days or hours, but I did come out. I had been told of all the crazy things I did. I have no memory of it. But I do remember my fight. And I give God all the glory! Now, I said all that, to say this. When I came home from the hospital, I was weak. So I would get out of my bed, go to my recliner, and sit until bedtime. But as my strength increased, I found I was doing the same thing. Bed, recliner, bed. What kind of a life is that? All I was doing was sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. Since I believe God fought to keep me here, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to do anything for Him. I have always believed happiness is a choice. So I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up, be happy, and get about my Fathers business. My friend, Richard, is starting a Celebrate Recovery in Lewisville. A group of us went to that church today to hear Richard preach an awesome service on Celebrate Recovery. Jan 4th is their kick off, and I intend to be there to see if I can be some help. I have been reminded that when I am giving to others, gives me less time to focus on, and feel sorry for myself. So now, I just have to keep praying God will show me where he can use me, and pray the next time I sit down for a pity party, He will slap me upside the head. What a ride I've been on since March. I've gone from weeks to live, and still here. Praise God for it. I understand that as long as I live, any treatment will not be fun. But God will be by my side. He's gone this far with me, and I have every confidence He will go the rest of the way, until He leads me to Heaven. Keep praying. I truly believe that is why God has kept me alive this long. Keep the faith. Becky