I'm better

Just to let everyone know, I am better tonight than I was last night. Not that much has changed except my attitude, but sometimes, that is the only adjusting we need. Sandra, I so thank you for coming by, letting me cry and understanding why. My visit with you was truly a help. Rob, thanks for the call. Seems like old times. Sometimes, getting to talk about things other than the big elephant in the room, is so helpful. So tho not much has changed but the attitude, sometimes that is enough. Tonight I am grateful for just the attitude difference. I am feeling better. Becky

I'm kinda in a weird place tonight. I feel like a person on death row, and knowing I did the deed to get me there. I am just not quite sure how to get past this. I was looking at the life expectancy of a person with my disease, and maybe I shouldn't have. But it gave anywhere from 2-6 months past diagnosed, up to 5 years if I am really, really lucky. I want to live longer than 5 years, and I for sure don't want it to be months. I want time with my children and grandchildren. I want my grandchildren to remember me. I want them to have awesome memories of me, and the truth is, they all won't. This is one of those things, that if I would have known at 16 what I know now, the different choices I would have made. I am 55 years old. If I am down to a matter of months, 55 is too young to die. And if I'm really, really lucky and live to be 60, that also is too young to die. I want to think about things other than cancer, chemo, radiation, drs appts, hair falling out, blood work, etc. I want to think about work, friends, grandkids games or funny things they are doing. I just want a normal life, and I know I will never have that again,and it saddens me to nearly more than I can take. This is just one of those nights that I am not sure how to get past this. I still have my faith, my love of God, and even my willingness to accept what the end result will be. I just want to be cured. I want to live to be old. I want God to heal me of this disease, and yet I know due to choices I have made, I probably don't deserve the healing I so desire. So tonight, I am trying to keep the faith. Tonight, I am trying to feel deserving of healing. Tonight, I am just praying tomorrow I will somehow feel different, and so afraid I won't. Today, I am just sad to tears, and I HATE feeling this way. Maybe I just need to cry. Maybe I just need to repent, yet again, or maybe I just need to pray. I am not sure what I need, except that miracle cure. And yet tonight I know nothing will ever be the same. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I just need some rest. I nearly hate to post this blog, but it is truly where am tonight. So I pray, pray, pray tomorrow I will feel different. But the truth is, after knowing for about a month I have this cancer, I am already so, so tired. I do not feel good, I am already experiencing more pain and shortness of breath. So I have to wonder when and where it all ends. And in spite of it all, I still pray it's later than sooner. Becky

For some reason, today is hard

Today, for some reason is hard. I am not sure why. I feel a little weapy, tho I have much to be grateful for. I have the scan coming up in 2 weeks to see if my cancer has shrunk. I so pray they have. If they have, I will also start radiation. Between chemo and radiation, I have a chance at at longer life. I know this cancer will kill me, short of an absolute miracle from God. And I will tell you, I want to be here as long as I can. So, today I am scared for what the scan will show. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to just not be sick. I want my life back with all my problems, joys, happiness, hard times, all of it. It is amazing that we do not know what we have until it is gone. So, today I am sad. I want to just be happy again. I'm sure that day will come. I just wish it was now. Keep the faith, becky

2nd round of chemo

I usually try to wait until the quiet of the evening to do my blog, but since I am hooked up to chemo machines, I may as well. I had my first round of chemo in the hospital. This consisted of 3 days of life saving torture. Today, I am doing my second round of chemo. Two more days to go after this. Dr konduri told me I will have 4 rounds of chemo total. In about 2 weeks, the radiation dr, dr. Skaggs, will do a scan and see if the tumors have shrunk enough to do radiation also. Dr Konduri told me doing both at the same time will make me extremely sick, but I have a good chance if we can pull it off. I will take it. I will take whatever chance they give me, and trust God to just give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. That is all I have to do, is just put one foot in front of the other. The rest is up to Him. God is such an awesome God and some days I have faith that can move mountains, and some days, I just have the faith of a mustard seed. But I am thinking God just wants me to have faith. I can manage that. I love my life. I love my family, my friends, my job, my church, but most of all, I love my Lord and Savior. Between me and God, we've handled much in my life, and I have no doubt, He will get me thru this. Just keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

Today was Easter

Today was Easter, and if I was to be completely honest, I have wondered if its my last Easter. It's funny, that before I got cancer, I never thought of that. Of course, there was always next Easter, but today, I do not have that luxery of thought. So today, I attended and spoke at 3 different church services, including a Spanish one. Which was a trick since I don't speak Spanish. Cheryl and Theresa cooked our Easter lunch, which was quite yummy. Me and the boys stayed at church with my cousin charlene and her husband, bob. I want to live to see another Easter. I want to go to mandi and James, like I've done every year but ths one, and color eggs. I want to watch the kiddies get dye on everything but the eggs, and finally, some weird color accidentally lands on the eggs. I love that I serve a risen savior. I love that when he's darn good and ready, he will come get me and take me to him. I just pray it is later than sooner. I am praying to get thru my next 3 days of chemo without it being too hard. And I am praying for all the kind people who take me back and forth to chemo. I know it is a lot of work and trouble for them, and I am ever so grateful when they can work it out. So today, I am just grateful for all God has given me, and the things he's kept away. Thank you to everyone who celebrated Easter with me and Cheryl. And thank the Lord, I had another Easter. Keep the faith, Becky

In AA, there is an expression that says "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired". Tonight, I feel that way. Even tho my battle is cancer, how do people do this day in and day out? How do they get up in the mornings, praying each day will somehow be different, and yet find it is much the same? I know today I just don't feel good. I also know I just need to go to bed and try to get some rest. But I also know I just want to get well, go back to work, and the biggest decision I have that day is what to have for lunch. I want my hair back, my crazy energy, and my readiness to tackle the world. And today, I am just not feeling it. I am grateful to God that he got me thru another day, even tho I felt bad. I am grateful we got Chris picked up so he could spend his 17th birthday with his brother, and Easter with us. And I am grateful God has put friends and family in my life. To get me where I need to go. I just wish I was well, and wasn't going thru this at all. Maybe someday. Keep the faith, Becky

Just another simple day

Today, I am alive. I am breathing on my own. My dear friend, Donna Darnell brought the most awesome supper, complete with pie. Pie and cobbler is my favorite desserts. I so enjoyed my visit with Donna. I have worked with her for years, and when my work friends come around, we get to talk about many things. My home depot people have become my other family. So I am ever so glad when they come by. We talked about many things. My illness, home depot, my baldness, work, life, faith, and friendship. We talked about Easter coming up and what plans we both have for the holidays. So today, life was good. Life was normal. I like normal and good. I start my chemo again Monday morning, and will begin my next 3 day round of that ugly stuff. It makes me so sick, but if it is what it takes to save my life, I will do it. In the meantime, I will get ready for Dennis birthday party on Saturday, and Easter on Sunday, and just enjoy my weekend. Keep the faith, Becky