I'm kinda in a weird place tonight. I feel like a person on death row, and knowing I did the deed to get me there. I am just not quite sure how to get past this. I was looking at the life expectancy of a person with my disease, and maybe I shouldn't have. But it gave anywhere from 2-6 months past diagnosed, up to 5 years if I am really, really lucky. I want to live longer than 5 years, and I for sure don't want it to be months. I want time with my children and grandchildren. I want my grandchildren to remember me. I want them to have awesome memories of me, and the truth is, they all won't. This is one of those things, that if I would have known at 16 what I know now, the different choices I would have made. I am 55 years old. If I am down to a matter of months, 55 is too young to die. And if I'm really, really lucky and live to be 60, that also is too young to die. I want to think about things other than cancer, chemo, radiation, drs appts, hair falling out, blood work, etc. I want to think about work, friends, grandkids games or funny things they are doing. I just want a normal life, and I know I will never have that again,and it saddens me to nearly more than I can take. This is just one of those nights that I am not sure how to get past this. I still have my faith, my love of God, and even my willingness to accept what the end result will be. I just want to be cured. I want to live to be old. I want God to heal me of this disease, and yet I know due to choices I have made, I probably don't deserve the healing I so desire. So tonight, I am trying to keep the faith. Tonight, I am trying to feel deserving of healing. Tonight, I am just praying tomorrow I will somehow feel different, and so afraid I won't. Today, I am just sad to tears, and I HATE feeling this way. Maybe I just need to cry. Maybe I just need to repent, yet again, or maybe I just need to pray. I am not sure what I need, except that miracle cure. And yet tonight I know nothing will ever be the same. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I just need some rest. I nearly hate to post this blog, but it is truly where am tonight. So I pray, pray, pray tomorrow I will feel different. But the truth is, after knowing for about a month I have this cancer, I am already so, so tired. I do not feel good, I am already experiencing more pain and shortness of breath. So I have to wonder when and where it all ends. And in spite of it all, I still pray it's later than sooner. Becky