I didn't finish my Charlene story, and I'm just learning to blog

That day, Charlene asked me if I wanted her to stay with me, and I told
her no, that it was ok. The truth was, it wasn't ok. I did want her to
stay cuz I'm a big chicken, but I have never quite learned to ask for what
I need from others. With a heavy heart, she left later in the night,
and when I got up the next morning, there was a message on my iPad asking
if I wanted her to come back. As my usual, I told her I was fine, and it
Ok. But it wasn't really ok. I really wanted her here, with me, at night,
When the fear and panic and anger rises, and I beat my fist in my pillow
Screaming and withering in such emotional turmoil, I do not think I can take
it, not one more minute. I do fine in the day, but at night, I am so
Angry that I didn't heed all the anti smoking warnings, and now I am killing
Myself. I will get around to begging forgiveness for this from all the
People that love me, but I can't right now. My beautiful sister had come right away
after my diagnosis. She has been awesome and will return, but she had to go
Home for family business. The last thing my sister asked me is if I wanted
her to call Charlene to come back. I did, so Ruby called, and Charlene came
back that day. I am not so sure why it has been so important to me to have
Charlene here. I don't know if it is that stroke of her hand on me that
Brings me comfort, or the fact that when I cry, she cries with me, or bows
Her head to pray for me, the drs, my children, or all of us, but she prays.
But the most important thing she has done is she slays the dragons while I
Sleep, she keeps the bugger bears at bay, and when all those creepy things
come out at night to play with my mind, she calls on the mighty name of Jesus
To just come hang out with us. I love you, Charlene. Thank you for loving
me back.