Hopefully today

Hopefully, today is better. I had a great visit with my sister, niece, and her 2 children yesterday, and the visit was great. This was so enjoyable. At the same time, I am calling
drs offices to get appts I need, all to no avail. Ruby offered to do it for me, but she is
not always going to be here, and this shouldn't be hard, so I tried to do
it myself. By last night, I just started crying from sheer frustration,
One of my problems is I don't know medically much about my type of cancer.
I have chosen not to know. What I have learned is that there is no cure, and
I will die. I don't want to know more because I am afraid I will quit fighting
to live. Now, I know this is not what God says, and I take Gods word over
Mans word any day. But I will admit, fighting is hard. And my fight has
just begun. So I chosen to not know more, but then this makes it hard
Because I get ideas in my head about things, and Im not sure if it's true
Here is an example. When Paula and I saw the oncologist, he stated after
My second round of chemo, he would get with the radiation dr and they
Would decide if radiation was an option. I took this news ok, and have
Been praying they will shrink and radiation can be done. For some
Reason, I have it in my head, that if they do no to chemo and radiation, I will die.
I said this to the radiation dr, and he didn't confirm or deny my fears, but did
Tell me if he does radiation, and it doesn't line up, I will be paralyzed. He cannot
And will not do that. Ok, this just gets suckier by the minute. I do not know that I will
Die if I don't have both, it is just one of those thoughts I ave in my head
So I don't know what to read about my sickness. I have read everything from a few weeks
To 5 years if I am extremely lucky. Everything else, I don't know what is true
When I was in the hospital, I told the dr I was reading about this small cell cancer
On the Internet, he told me to quit reading the Internet, that most was untrue. So what is
Real? So today I am venting. Today I am frustrated, today, I just want things to be
Normal, my old normal, not my new normal. But what I do know today is God is with me
I know He has not left me. I know he is taking care of our needs by sending so many
People to help, and I know today, he allowed me another day to get up, breath, and begin
A new day. I know God will get me thru this. I do not know if I will live thru this,
But I know he will walk or carry me every step of the way. So please forgive my griping
Some days I just need to do that. I will pray today, I can get some appts set. Y'all
Just keep praying for me. For strength, and courage, and the will to just keep fighting.
Becky
I will die. I have no idea if this is true or not, it is just