Pastor Mike and prayer

Sorry, I got interrupted and couldn't figure out how to go back. As I was saying, I know there is an answer to this dilemma, just not sure what its. And maybe that is not a true statement. I just need to figure out how to make Gods will, my will, in this matter. I have to trust that he has my best interest at heart. And I have to figure out a way to follow His will, without giving up my desire to fight for my life. Maybe next Sunday, Pastor Mike will preach on something easy. I can only hope. :). Keep praying, Becky

Pastor Mike and prayer

Today is still a weird/sad day. No particular reason, I'm still thinking it is because drs keep changing my meds around, and I've not adjusted yet. But I woke up this morning thinking about what Pastor Mike preached on Sunday. It was about prayer and why we should pray. Also, as Christians, we are called to pray. I have discovered lately, I am having a hard time praying. I am afraid "my will" and "Gods will" for my life are not the same. When Jesus gave the example of how to pray in the Lords prayer, it says even there, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. There again, thy will be done, not Becky's will be done. Now the strange part is, I do not feel I have moved away from God, or quit loving Him, I am just having a hard time praying for myself and healing. Now one thing I did find interesting in my study this morning, in Luke 11, it talks about a man that knocked on a fellows door late at night and asked fo a loaf of bread. The dude told him it was late, and to go away. But he didn't, he kept knocking and knocking until finally the dude got up and gave him what he wanted ( ok, I'm paraphrasing, it doesn't say dude in the Bible). Jesus goes on to say if you keep asking, you will be given what you asked for, if you keep looking, you will find, and if you keep knocking the door will be opened. I know that I am a child of Gods. I know he wants me to pray. But my prayers come out with me screaching to the top of my lungs, "do this my way". I guess I am afraid if I accept Gods will in the matter of my sickness, I will be giving up my will to fight to live. My will is to live, my will is to spend time with my children and grandchildren, my will is to spend time with my friends, attend church, sit on my patio very early listening to the birds. My will is to hold this new grandbaby coming in October- number 11, by the way. My will is to live long enough all of my gramdchildren will have awesome memories of me. But, it may not be Gods will. And since at this point I don't know what Gods will is, it is just hard for me to pray. I really wish Pastor Mike hadn't preached on this on Sunday, because now I have to deal with it. Oh, I have no doubt he did just what God told him to, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I know there is an answer to this dilima,

Joy?

For those that have heard my testimony, or know me and my siblings on a more intimate level, you would know we did not have a good childhood. I have always said that if any of us wrote a book on our childhood, it would be titled "I was Potty Trained at Gunpoint". Now I say that to be funny, but there is some truth to it. As we grew into adulthood, we all made different choices in life. Some became more successful than others. Now I say that, but I'm not sure who decides that. But what we have and always had is a bond with each other that only pain can bring. So somewhere, speaking only for myself, I have to know all that pain of growing up in an alcoholic, abusive home had meaning. That something good came out of it. I know for me, after Mama left and eventually divorced Daddy, I learned faith. Mama taught me to have faith. Many times, things were so hard, but Mama would tell us faith was all we needed. Now at 16, and not having a relationship with God, I didn't get it. I thought honestly what we needed was just a little food in the fridge, something more than an onion and a jar of mayonnaise. This morning, I was reading James 1:1-4. It reads," whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." Now see, this is one of those scriptures I was talking about yesterday. Let it be an opportunity for joy. Joy? Not sure I like that word. I mean, why didn't James say, opportunity for growth, or prayer, or get ready cuz it's coming? No, oh no, he had to use the word joy. In my childhood, or teenage years, joy would NEVER have been the woud I would have used. I cried too many tears for that. But today, I will give in to the word Joy. Now I can see that as teens and young adults, our faith was tested over and over, and our endurance most certainly did grow. I don't know if the rest of the scripture is true for me just yet, the part that reads "when my strength is fully developed". But I know it is forever developing, the scripture reads "I will be strong in character and ready for anything". With my terminal cancer diagnosis, I had better be ready for anything. I know God did not cause our childhood to be so bad, but I know He used it to build us up and give us strength. Likewise, I know God did not give me cancer. I did that on all by myself. I smoked way too long. What did I think would happen? While at the waterpark with my daughter yesterday, we were talking about this time last year. We were on a 5800 mile road trip, me personally having the best vacation of my entire life, and all the while, not knowing what laid ahead. I am sure the cancer was there, I just had no symptoms yet. What a difference a year makes. So today, I will let this be an opportunity for joy, even tho I just think I would have written it differently. Of course you've noticed there is no Book of Becky in the Bible, since God didn't ask me. That being said, I guess I have to go with His word-Joy. Today, I will let it be an opportunity for joy, my faith will be tested, and my endurance will grow, then I can know I will be strong in character, and God and I will be ready for anything. Yes, I said anything. Keep praying for me. I still believe in miracles. Becky

Faith and hope

When I first became ill, my daughter brought me a book called "Hope". Now, the truth is, I could and do have faith in God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, but in my heart, I had (and sometimes still do) have little room for hope. I have never just put the book away, not to read it. I have left it out, in my way, purposely, knowing I was supposed to pick it up. Just not yet, or a hit and miss. Another thing I hate to admit, is even tho I know with all my heart the Bible is true, every word, sometimes I just kind of skim over some words because I dont quite see how they pertain to me at the moment. I look at the words and passage I feel do pertain to me. Or passages I don't understand, rather than dig a little deeper for the meaning, I also skim over. As most of you know, this has been my weepiest week yet. So very hard emotionally. I think it is this way because physically, I don't know how much longer I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. This morning, as I was reading, I was reminded in John 10:28, that God said "you are mine. I bought you with a price, and you are precious to me. No one and nothing can snatch you from my hand". Now I have read that scripture I don't know how many times in my life, but somehow today, it is just different. I have known I am Gods, I have known I was bought with a price, but today, I needed to hear I am precious to Him. Come on, really? Precious? Then as I read on in 1 Peter:5,6 the scripture reads to serve each other with humility. " God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble. So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.". Now I love this scripture, except for the part that reads, " and in his good time he will honor you. I want it to be in MY good time, because I think everything is about me. But I guess if I want the "give all your worries and cares to Him for he cares about what happens to you, I have to accept the " in his good time part. So today, I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful I am a child of Gods, I am grateful for the healing he is doing in my body. Maybe I just need to work on the "my will vs Gods will thing.". Just sayin...Becky

A little weepy, ok, maybe a lot weepy

Some days are hard, and sometimes those days run together and make for a very hard time emotionally. This is one of those times. Tho it's been 3 days since my chemo round, I just want to cry, and do cry. Talking with my sister and brother yesterday, I had to tell them in advance, if I start crying, just ignore. I am just so incredibly tired, sick, and weary. This journey has been the hardest I have ever taken. I am not used to an easy life, or a cushy life. I am actually used to a hard life, but at times, this is more than I can bear. I pray, wail, give it to God, take it back from Him, cry some more, and still, even still, just wish I could feel good. Or at least, sorta good. So far, I have had 15 chemo bags dumped into my body. It sure takes it's toll. I know by next week I will feel better. Actually, by the time I get out of church tomorrow, I will feel better. Just right now, I don't. My love of my God is still there, my faith in Him as my savior is still there. I guess I am still just having a hard time letting Jesus row the boat, with me in it, in the dark, He's not telling me where were going, just trust Him. Well, I do trust Him, but I still want Him to tell me the plan. Mainly because I still think this is all about me. It is always all about me. Only my Lord and Savior doesn't see it that way. So I guess we'll do it His way, but I don't like it. Today I don't know what is wrong with me. Just profound sadness. I need prayer for this. I need prayer for letting go of things and having peace about it. I need prayer for trying to do things myself rather than give it to God. I am just tired tonight. Probably a normal emotion or feeling for someone with cancer. Probably a normal reaction for someone with terminal cancer. But I still don't like it. I have kept my faith, and for now, that has to be enough. Becky

Be still

I am just about done with my chemo. My last days are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The last scan the dr did, the cancer was gone. So after this round, he will do another scan and make sure it didn't move anywhere weird. The logical thing would be for me to be happy and rejoicing, but that is just not true. The truth is, I'm scared. Scared to stop chemo, praying we don't go too long in between scans, and scared to not see the dr on a regular basis. I guess this is the time I have to trust my drs to know all these answers, and lean very heavily on the Lord. After a person has had a diagnosis of terminal cancer, how do you go back to a normal life? What is my normal life now? It certainly cannot be the same. I do know I am only going back to work very part time. I want plenty of time with the kids and grandkids. I want to go down water slides with Matthew and Riley-Grace. I want to read books to Brystol. I do not want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane like Chelsea did. I want to spend some time with Kate. I want Elleigh to get to know her Nanny, and I have to be around when Piper Jolene is born. I hope to see Amara, Rae Lynn, and Cael, but they live so far away, that would be a stretch. I want to live past 60. So today, I'm trusting God. Even with my fear, and a little anxiety. Now is the time, I climb in the boat with Jesus, in the dark. I cannot see where I'm going, and don't even have a say on how to get there. Now that doesn't quite seem fair, cuz it's all about me. Ok, guess it's not. Jesus does the rowing, and my job is to trust Him and keep my mouth shut. But I want to be in control. See how conflicted I am? Maybe I'm just loosing my mind, and this is my new normal...so to my children, be afraid. Be very afraid. The thing is, every single time I've just trusted, when I managed to be still and know that He is God, things always worked out better than I could have imagined. This is one of those times. I am not sure what my life looks like now. My first order of business is to grow hair. My second is to not be afraid. Just not be afraid. So I will see where this takes me, where God takes me. I will keep on keeping on. Emily, I pray I have walked most of the way out of this valley. I have not pitched my tent there for a long time. Everyone, still keep praying. For complete healing, for peace, and just courage enough to keep trusting. I am nearly done, and do I feel blessed!

One more round of chemo

This coming Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday is my last chemo round. In some ways, I'm excited. Excited to not have that poison flowing into my body, but scared for it not to, because that poison killed my cancer. The last scan I had, the cancer was gone in my lungs and lymph nodes. That is the good news. After this last round of chemo, the Dr will do a PET scan and make sure it didn't move to some other location. I am choosing to believe it didn't move. That just makes me feel better. Here is the part that is hard...the type of cancer I have, according to the Drs will come back. The only question is when. I know this cancer journey has been the toughest walk I have ever had, bar none. So I already know I don't want to keep going down this road over and over again, and yet I know I will when the time comes. What I do know is that I'm tired. At times, to the point of weary. So maybe it's a good thing my chemo is coming to an end. Maybe this is just the time I need to lean a little harder on the Lord. He called all us weary people, and said He would give us rest. I believe that to be true. So I will lean on Him, press in, and just hold on. The truth is, I'm just scared. Scared this will never be over, and then scared it will end. Life is tough, no matter how long we may live. I have 10 grandchildren, with number 11 on the way. So I want my living to be a long time. Maybe I'm just scared of trying to live a normal life, whatever that is. What I'm not scared of is my relationship with the Lord. Honestly, that is the only thing I am sure of. Everything else is uncertain. So just keep praying for me. Pray for complete healing, pray for some peace for me, and pray for my drs, that they will continue to do the right things for me. So, I'm glad this is coming to an end.....not so much. Just keep on keeping on, becky

It's always good to go home

The last few months have been a whirlwind, sickly, and scary. I have spent much time in the hospital, sometimes in a very painful state. The doctors have run tests, rendered treatment, sometimes painfully. So needless to say, this has not been a fun few months. This past week, a dear friend passed away, and I went to Tulsa for the funeral. When I walked in, I realized that was the first time I had been back in my home church since my husbands funeral was held there. I was blessed to spend time with my dear friends of many years and we just seemed to pick up where we left off. I finally landed at my brother and sister in laws house. They are Bill and Brenda. We got my brother, Mike there, and my sister, Ruby came down from Kansas. The really cool part about the 4 of us is we are truly close and love one another. We also respect and care about and for each other. So after the last few months, I have really needed my family. I just needed to "go home". Tho it is not the house we grew up in, "home" is where the 4 of us are. We shopped together, house hunted for mike a house, cooked way too much food, ate like pigs, and laughed like everything was funny. My 2 nephews, Freddie and Daniel came over last night, along with my niece, Miriah, and her friend, Gina. The boys played guitars and sang. We tried to sing along, but we mainly ate pie and home made ice cream, and let them sing. Our mouths were busy. I am so grateful for my family. I am so thankful that we love and accept each other even with our differences and sameness. I have an awesome family, and even the greatest sister in law in the world. She not only puts up with our nonsense, but loves us anyway. Thank you, Brenda! It was hard for us all to leave each other this morning. The last time we had seen each other was when I was in the hospital and still pretty sick. So this was great. I guess it is true when people say, "you can't go home again", but that is not true in our case. "Home" is where the 4 of us are. And since we count Brenda, home would be where the 5 of us are. To my siblings, I love you all. And I miss you already. Becky

Step sisters on my Fathers side

Tomorrow is my friends funeral. Tho I know she was/is a Christ follower, the world will not be the same without her in it. I lived in Tulsa for 30 years before moving back to my home state of Texas. In the course of that 30 years, I have been blessed to know many people. And it's kind of crazy when I say "know", because the truth is, it is more than that. We have a genuine love, respect, and caring for one another that time and distance doesn't change. I don't know how many people realize just how awesome this is. We just kind of pick up where we left off, no matter how much time it has been. With me also fighting for my life, and knowing I, too, have a terminal disease, this death of my dear friend not only fills my heart with such grief, it also scares me. I know she must have wanted to live, just the same as I do. I am sure she fought the fight with all her strength, just as I have done. But the one thing I know about Marilyn, is that she changed lives of everyone she touched, and therefore, changed the world. How incredible is that? I pray others will be able to say that about me when I die. My prayer every day is just that I pray people can see Christ thru me. That they will know Him because of my actions and words. Don't get me wrong, I also pray to live. A long life. But don't we all. Tonight, I am grateful for my friends, my family, and my step sisters on my Fathers side. We have gotten each other thru much. I need them to know how much I love them. How much I respect them. And how I know without them, my life would not be the same. You women are amazing. I have learned much about the God I serve because of you women. for that, I am grateful so to my step sisters, I owe you much. But the most important thing, is I owe you my eternity. Without you, I never would have understood the grace and mercy of my Lord. You women are my angels, and I love you all.

Still here

I am still here. So far, I have survived. The sad part for me is not all of us can say that. This week, the world lost an awesome woman, one who loved the Lord, her husband of a billion years,numerous friends and relatives, and she went to be with the Lord. She fought the fight with all she had, and again, it has reminded me how fragile life really is, and how much we take for granted. I know personally, cancer and chemo have made me sicker than I have ever been in my life, but I keep fighting. I think God just instills that will to survive, so we don't give up so easily. My friend, like my husband will not easily be forgotten after their death. They literally touched so many people, that lives were forever changed. I think death is a personal thing between the person and God. I had a hard time with that after my husbands death, because I always think everything is about me. It's all about me. I know I was the one that felt my heart break inside my chest once he was gone. It took a few years for me to get real with God and tell Him how very angry I was about the whole thing. And being the awesome God he is, He could take it. So now, I am the one fighting to live. I am the one that just wants my life to be normal, and not centered around cancer, chemo, or sickness. I am ready for the last PET scan and I pray, oh how I pray, I will have the all clear. Now I know my cancer is terminal because it is classified extended, instead of limited. But it will mean I will have another day. It will still involve scans to make sure I am still clear, but I can do that. I serve a big, awesome God. I know some day He is going to come get me and take me to the place He has prepared for me. Like my friend and husband, I just pray I have shown people my God, and I pray I made a difference.In themeantime, I just keep onkeeping on. Becky