Cancer is tiring

Cancer is tiring. So many decisions to make. I remember years ago, there was a game show that the contestants took a step. If they took a correct step, they made money and got to decide whether to take another step. If they stepped again, and it was a correct step, they made more money and could continue on. Or they could stop, take what they had and hope for the best. If they took a wrong step, they fell thru the floor, and lost it all. Today, I feel that way. I have to make the right step, or it is deadly. I am scheduled for 3 weeks of brain radiation starting Monday after thanksgiving. I am terrified to have this done. I know it's necessary, but it is frightening to have your head bolted to a table and then fried. On top of this, some of my cancer has come back in "clusters". I honestly thought I would have more time than this before the cancer came back. Now they will do another ct scan and decide what to do next. Dr konduri told me some time back, that once the cancer returned, they would put me on a different kind of chemo and hope for the best. Due to my weakened state, I doubt they will do both at the same time. So I will have to make some decisions, I'm afraid, and pray it is the right one. And it is so hard to know which is right, until after you make it. Then you know whether it was right or wrong. I know fear comes from the devil, but so help me, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I don't have much longer to live, and I have lots to live for. I'm afraid I will make the wrong choice, and fall thru the floor, loosing it all. I'm sad I won't get to see me grand babies grow up. Half of them are so big, they don't have time for nanny anymore. I know, very normal. I just wish they had a little more time. But of course, I wish I had a little more time. I know tomorrow is another day, but at this point, I'm just sad. I'm sad my time is so little, sad I wont get to spend my holidays with my kids, grandkids, brothers, sister, and in laws. Some live too far away, this one is mad at that one, that one is hurt at this one, some are as sick as I am, some don't have the money, and some are spending holidays with their own families. I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm just sad today.