Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, and I cannot believe I am still on earth. God, in all his mercy and grace, has left me here way longer than predicted by the drs. And to top everything off, I feel great! For as sick as I've been in the last 9 months, it is a miracle, for sure. But of course, God is still in the miracle business. I am so blessed. So this Christmas, I will face it with a childlike awe I haven't known since I was very small. The awe that God, my Creator, loves me enough to care about what I want. That I wanted to live long enough to see my 11th grandchild born (she was born in Oct), that I wanted to live to be older than 55 (I turned 56 in nov), and that I wanted to spend Christmas with my family. My goals (wants) keep changing. Now my goal/wish is to be at Chelsea's college graduation. Which is in May. After spending a wonderful couple of days with my son and family, I will go to my daughters and stay the night with her, James, and 5 more grandkids. So today, my life is good. I will go to the Christmas Eve Service at church to spend time with my God. I will reflect of not only what God has done for me, but sent His own Son to pay the ultimate price for my eternity with Him. As a person with a terminal disease, I am beginning to understand the sacrifice of death, without, of course, all the pain and torture Christ endured, just to pay for MY sin. I am grateful for everyday I am given on Earth. I know it is a gift from God. Keep praying for me. I am still fighting this thing. And I will continue to fight, until God tells me to stop and come on home. So this Christmas eve of 2011, I know I am blessed beyond measure. I pray your Christmas is just as blessed. Keep the faith. Becky

Being happy

It's amazing what cancer can do. It has crippled my body, mind, and I hate to admit it, but somehow I allowed it to cripple me spiritually. How sad is that!! since march, I have felt sick, nauseated beyond belief, weak from extreme fatigue, been to ICU twice, once on a ventilator, and thru all that, all I had was my faith in my creator to hold on to. About a month ago, I was back in ICU, not expected to pull thru. Physically, I was unconscious, or out of my head. Not sure which. What was going on in my head, was I was in such a dark place, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I knew I was hanging somewhere between heaven and earth. I knew I was in a spiritual battle, and all I could hear was my brother, mikes, voice saying over and over again, "don't you dare die on me". I also knew, somehow, the devil was fighting God, or his angels for my life. I also knew Satan could kill me, but I knew he couldn't take my soul. Not sure how I knew these things, but I did know. As I cried out to God, I knew to follow the voice of my brother, mike. I knew his voice would lead me out. Mike just kept saying, over and over, "don't you dare die on me". I fought hard. Very hard. I don't know if it was days or hours, but I did come out. I had been told of all the crazy things I did. I have no memory of it. But I do remember my fight. And I give God all the glory! Now, I said all that, to say this. When I came home from the hospital, I was weak. So I would get out of my bed, go to my recliner, and sit until bedtime. But as my strength increased, I found I was doing the same thing. Bed, recliner, bed. What kind of a life is that? All I was doing was sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. Since I believe God fought to keep me here, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to do anything for Him. I have always believed happiness is a choice. So I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up, be happy, and get about my Fathers business. My friend, Richard, is starting a Celebrate Recovery in Lewisville. A group of us went to that church today to hear Richard preach an awesome service on Celebrate Recovery. Jan 4th is their kick off, and I intend to be there to see if I can be some help. I have been reminded that when I am giving to others, gives me less time to focus on, and feel sorry for myself. So now, I just have to keep praying God will show me where he can use me, and pray the next time I sit down for a pity party, He will slap me upside the head. What a ride I've been on since March. I've gone from weeks to live, and still here. Praise God for it. I understand that as long as I live, any treatment will not be fun. But God will be by my side. He's gone this far with me, and I have every confidence He will go the rest of the way, until He leads me to Heaven. Keep praying. I truly believe that is why God has kept me alive this long. Keep the faith. Becky

I fell

About a month ago, I fell in the bathtub. Kind of a side effect from Lambert-eaton, and weak legs and arms. I hit my shoulder, and tho I didn't bruise, I was sore, but thought it would be ok. A week goes by, and it just gets worse. Went in for x-rays, they show nothing. Over the next 2 weeks, it progressively gets worse. Back to the dr, x-rays, nothing. Went in for brain radiation, and we all know how that turned out. While in hospital, arm hurting beyond belief, so they x-rayed, never heard anything. Had a ct scan done, and that showed torn rotator cuff and twisted nerves. Ortho guy talking surgery, and I'm trying to get it scheduled before end of the year. Then Cheryl had a thought. Maybe I should check with oncologist and make sure it was ok. Didn't think of that. The only thing about surgery that scared me was when they attempted to do the bronchospy I woke up in ICU on a ventilator. So I called the oncologist, talked about surgery on rotator cuff, and the reply was "no way". If I would have let them cut me, the cancer would have spread. Thank you, Cheryl for thinking of such things. I never would have. I am scheduled for a PET scan after Christmas. I am praying for good results. I am praying for my health, a good Christmas, and help with medical bills. Not for this year, but next. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

A good day

Today has been a good day. I have to say my first good day in a long time, very long time. Not because I especially feel better, not because I suddenly don't have cancer, I still do. But it's because I decided to have a good day. I have believed happiness is a choice, and today I made the decision to make it a good day. I got out of the house, smelled the fresh air. Went to walmart and WALKED. Miracle, huh. All the books or articles I have read on cancer says "don't stop exercising. Well, I never really exercised, but I would walk to the moon and back helping customers at Home Depot. Due to lambert-eaton, I could not walk very well. The clinical trial drug I take helps alot. So I walked. Tomorrow night, I am going to the Home Depot Christmas party. That should be fun. I'm a little intimidated because I look way different with cancer than without. But it will be fun. I will just be happy to be around my Home Depot family. I cannot believe that 2 weeks ago I was in ICU, fighting for my life, literally, and tomorrow I'm going to a party. Thank you Lord for giving me more time. According to my drs in march this year, I should be dead by now. Long gone. But glory to God, I'm still here, plus I just refuse to go yet. I'm anxious for Christmas, seeing my kids and grandkids, eating too much food, and giving gifts. I'm anxious to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior, and to see what comes next. In march, will be a year since diagnosed. Keep praying. Dont stop. Don't give up on me, cuz I'm fighting. Keep the faith. Becky

I have always been a people person. I enjoy listening to them, watching them, talking to them, and just being around them. That is why my job at The Home Depot was such perfect job for my. I became a family with my fellow coworkers, I had managers I had grown to love, managers I liked, managers I tolerated, and them the one that made me dread going to work. Really dread it. My life was fairly good. Bills got paid, I enjoyed my kids and grandkids, and kept drama out of my life. I did this on purpose, just because I wanted and needed the sanity. I am struggling today with maintaining this sanity. I am just getting over a major setback. After 2 brain radiations, my brain swelled. You can only imagine the problems from that. Now truthfully, I don't remember it. I just remember the "battle" to come back. Even after coming back, I have remained exhausted for a week. However, Praise the Lord, things are becoming back to normal. Tho i don't feel exactly competent to make my own decisions, or drive myself, I am returning. Slowly, surely, and with God help, this will all be a bad memory. I meet tomorrow with the radiologist, and oncologist to see where we go from here. I do know at this time, I'm calling off radiology. I cannot take it. Beyond that, I am not physically or mentally capable of making that decision. Mama also said when in doubt, don't. So I wont Keep praying for strength, courage to face my future, and the ability to make the right decisions. I couldn't face this without God. I just couldn't. I know he loves me, died for me, and a promise of eternity with Him. I love that, just not quite ready to go yet. Pray for strength. Pray for courage, and pray for peace in decisions made. I still need the prayers. Keep the faith, Becky

What a week

For those that do not know, I have been in the fight of my life. On Monday, last week, I began brain radiation. First day of 15. At the end of day 1, I was exhausted. I went back home to my daughters house. I laid down to sleep, and tho I have no memory of it, she told me I got up a couple of times thru out the night. Day 2, we drive back downtown for my brain radiation. This is the last of my memories for several days. I woke up in ICU, not quite sure how I got there, groggy, exhausted, and a family and friends that prayed for recovery. What I do know, is I was in a spiritual battle for my life. Not for my soul, but for my life. I have come out of it exhausted, head in a fog, and not ready to do battle again anytime soon. According to my daughter, I was no longer there. I, her mother, was gone. She said I kept trying to step out of her bus on the highway while she's traveling 70 mph. She said I babbled, made no sense, even went so far as to scare my grandkids, because I was so "gone". So today, I thank my daughter, for hanging on to me, for keeping me safe. I thank my family and friends for praying without ceasing, and most of all, I thank my God for giving me a time left on earth. I love the Lord, and I thank him for fighting this battle for me. (tho somehow I'm still exhausted). Tho today I spend my days laying around and just resting, I am grateful to be here. Keep praying for me. Pray for strength, pray for healing, for now, brain radiation is off the table. My meds have been cut way back, and I am ready to move forward. Keep praying. I surely do need it. Becky

Cancer is tiring

Cancer is tiring. So many decisions to make. I remember years ago, there was a game show that the contestants took a step. If they took a correct step, they made money and got to decide whether to take another step. If they stepped again, and it was a correct step, they made more money and could continue on. Or they could stop, take what they had and hope for the best. If they took a wrong step, they fell thru the floor, and lost it all. Today, I feel that way. I have to make the right step, or it is deadly. I am scheduled for 3 weeks of brain radiation starting Monday after thanksgiving. I am terrified to have this done. I know it's necessary, but it is frightening to have your head bolted to a table and then fried. On top of this, some of my cancer has come back in "clusters". I honestly thought I would have more time than this before the cancer came back. Now they will do another ct scan and decide what to do next. Dr konduri told me some time back, that once the cancer returned, they would put me on a different kind of chemo and hope for the best. Due to my weakened state, I doubt they will do both at the same time. So I will have to make some decisions, I'm afraid, and pray it is the right one. And it is so hard to know which is right, until after you make it. Then you know whether it was right or wrong. I know fear comes from the devil, but so help me, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I don't have much longer to live, and I have lots to live for. I'm afraid I will make the wrong choice, and fall thru the floor, loosing it all. I'm sad I won't get to see me grand babies grow up. Half of them are so big, they don't have time for nanny anymore. I know, very normal. I just wish they had a little more time. But of course, I wish I had a little more time. I know tomorrow is another day, but at this point, I'm just sad. I'm sad my time is so little, sad I wont get to spend my holidays with my kids, grandkids, brothers, sister, and in laws. Some live too far away, this one is mad at that one, that one is hurt at this one, some are as sick as I am, some don't have the money, and some are spending holidays with their own families. I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm just sad today.

My miracle drug

I went to Houston on the 1st, and met with a neurologist named Dr Phan. She is a wise woman and made me feel very confident in her knowledge of Lambert-Eaton Myastenic Gravis. This is a rare disease that has rendered my legs nearly useless, weakening my arms, and making it hard to swallow. Due to this sickness, I have a hospital bed, and a scooter heading my way. It is all I can do to get from my bed to my recliner. I cannot sit up on my own, so to get out of bed, I've had to take the box springs off my bed, and roll off onto the floor, get on my knees, and slowly pull myself up. I have fallen into the bathtub, out of the bathtub, or can't get out of the tub at all. So it has kind of sucked that I've fought so hard to beat this cancer, but then to spend my life bed bound, is no quality of life. I hate to admit it, but the harder it has gotten to walk, the more I have prayed God would take me on. Dr phan was telling me about this drug that has been used in Europe with great results. Only it has not been approved by the FDA here. However, due to a compassionate care program, one dr in the US has access to it, and it happens to be Dr Phan. She approved me for it, and I got my 1st bottle today. I took 1 pill this morning, and 1 pill this afternoon. After just 2 pills, I was walking so well, Kate and I went to ikea, I walked every step, and felt strong with every step. It is a miracle. The last time I went to the dr, Kate had to push me in a wheelchair, because i was so weak. I felt like I could have danced the night away just after 2 pills. I am in awe. Now I can concentrate on beating cancer, instead of praying to die. God is so awesome. Meeting Dr Phan was a miracle in itself, and could have only happened thru God. Getting the drug- 3,4 DAP, was a miracle, and since it has not been approved by the FDA, they only charge me shipping. Nothing for the medicine. So what a miracle. I am so grateful to God for all He has done, how He has intervened, and has looked out for me, especially when I didn't even know what to pray for. I love the Lord. I love that He still loves me even when I argue with him. Tonight, I'm just grateful. I love miracles, and especially, when they happen to me.

Trip to Houston

Kate got me to Houston without a hitch. Saw the neurologist, and it was a great visit. She said I definitely have Lambert-Eaton, and I definitely have small cell lung, she has my records. What has amazed her is how good I look when in reality I should be dead. I told her that I told God I wasn't going. She said I definitely qualify for the miracle drug called 3 4 DAP. She is mailing a 2 month supply to my home and I should have it by the end of the week. I am so, so blessed. Without this drug, dr said I would be bedbound within a month. I couldn't stand that. To have fought so hard to live, only to end up in bed the rest of my life. Dr said I should feel the difference within a few days, maybe even first day. Praise the Lord! This is the best news I've had since I was told I was going to die. Course, I guess any news would be better than being told I was going to die. So I am excited! I get the medicine for free, I just pay the shipping. And I only see this dr once every 6 months. My neurologist will monitor me more frequently. I looked out the window while I was there, and saw MD Anderson. Hospital. My sis was there while fighting a deadly throat cancer. She has been cancer free for 16 years. I took this as a sign of hope. I love the Lord I serve. For getting me to Houston safely, getting me in with these drs, getting me this miracle drug. But most of all for putting up with my nonsense. I do admit, this is one of those times I just want my mama. Keep praying and keep the faith. Becky

This past March

This past march, I was diagnosed with small cell lung carsenoma extended, or oat cell cancer. I was also diagnosed with a rare disease called lambert-eaton myastenic syndrome. And treatment for both are as painful as you might expect. One was the worst pain you could imagine, and I've had babies! Right after diagnosis, in March, I was told had days to live. Did i want to go home and die there, or be moved to palliative care where they will make me comfortable until I die? I didn't like either of those choices, so I chose door number 3. My daughter and sister did some research and found Baylor Cancer treatment center downtown was the best there was. My dr is Dr Konduri. He has never, not one time said to me that I will die. I know this cancer is terminal, but we don't talk about that because I dont want to. Dr konduri keeps an eye on every aspect of my treatment. He goes over my medicine, wants to know who prescribed it. Do I have their phone number? He will call them, right then, and tell them to take me off of it, or change it. So now I've gone from days to live to the results of my scan from Wednesday. Today I was told my scan was awesome. I have one lymph node that has enlarged, but due to my cough, he thinks it's an infection. He is going to rescan in 2 weeks to be sure it's an infection, but I feel well enough, I believe that is all it is. The other good news is the wound specialist has cleared me for brain radiation. I guess that's good news, but it needs to be done. So in march, I was given days to live. Now, thanks to the God I serve, 8 months later I'm still here. YEAH! Now I just have to deal with lambert-eaton. My legs just don't work well at all. I do the old woman shuffle. If this continues, I will be bed ridden very soon. I go to Houston soon, Nov 1, to be re-examined. If all goes well, I will be given a drug that they say will make my legs normal. Good lord, what a miracle! It would suck to be given more time here on earth, only to have to spend it in bed. So today, I am so grateful to God for all he has done to keep me alive, feeling fairly good, and getting me on the right track for lambert eaton. I am blessed. I am grateful, I am happy, and I am enjoying my life. To my brothers, beware. I am going to be around to bug you for awhile. And to my sister, i already know she is on my side. Thank you Lord for keeping me alive this long. Giving me another grandbaby. I love having 11 of them rascals. just thank you Lord. Y'all keep praying for me. Please. Keep the faith! Becky

Sorry, I hit a wrong button. I have to realize it's not all about me, but my ego is wounded ever so slightly. To my step-sisters on my Fathers side, thank you all for meeting with me early. It meant the world to see you all that extra time when we met early. Rachel and jenny, it was awesome for y'all to be there. Now you know why we are wounded souls. But God lifted us up, saved us, and given us the courage to give up most character defects. I am so blessed. I am loved by many who are not afraid to show it. Keep praying. I am still praying for strength and healing. I fell out of bed last night. After I got past my wounded ego, then I had to muster the strength to get up. It was hard. Just keep praying...Becky

1 Peter

In reading my Bible tonight, I read 1 Peter 1:6-7. " So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead,even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for awhile. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold. So if your faith remains strong after after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.". What awesome scripture!! I just wish, hope and pray I am passing all those trials. As some of you know, I went to Tulsa weekend before last. I went to give my testimony for what I believe will be my last testimony. I had to be helped up the maybe 4 steps by my son. My legs just wouldn't work well on their own. I gave my testimony, and had to be helped down. I have to ask someone, (maybe God), after being bald, can we cut it out with the humiliation! After being bald, I discovered I'm vain. I never would have known that until my head was as slick as a baby's rear end. The other thing I have always known is I HATE asking for help. I just hate it. My body has deteriorated to the point I need help for most everything. The other thing I believe, is God is preparing me for my death. I so pray I am wrong because I'm not done talking about Him. But I believe He is preparing me just the same. I feel if I live 6 more months, it will be a miracle. Now don't everybody go jumping on my for my "lack of faith". It is not that. I have faith in God to know He will take me when he's ready. God also got it thru my thick skull when my husband died, that to God, death is not a punishment, but a reward. It only feels like a punishment for those left. I am also not asking you to quit praying for healing. I would so love to be healed! I would love lots more holidays with my kids and grandkids. I so wish I could have all my kids and grandkids here for what I believe is my last holidays. But that is impossible. 3/4 of my family live out of state. The other thing I have to remember is my kiddos are busy, have lives of their own, and already have plans. I just always believe it's all about me.

Brystol

I have a little granddaughter that is 2 years old. Her name is Brystol. One of the things I love about Brystol is she is always smiling. Quite unusual for a 2 year old. She just seems to find the world, and all it's creatures funny. She has a big cheesy smile, and will have you laughing at her antics in nothing flat. The only things in life she seems to need is her sippy cup and her yo gabba gabba dolls. If you don't know what those are, don't feel bad. I didn't know until last year. She is surrounded by people that love and care about her, and she knows that. She has her Bub, who she thinks hung the moon. And there is nothing he would not do for her. Then she has her big sister, Ga-Ga, who helps her with things, or takes things away she shouldn't have. She has Elleigh, her little sister, that she just knows mama and daddy brought home so she would have her own baby. But no matter what happens, she just smiles. I've learned alot from this little 2 year old. Life really isn't so complicated, if you are a Christian. Sure, I am having some health issues, ok, major health issues. My mama used to always tell me " you have the same drawers on to get glad in". So I may as well smile and go on. I am surrounded by people that love me, whether it's family, friends, church family, co workers, etc. I am loved by God, the Creator of the universe. Did you catch that? I am so special, that I am loved by the creator of the universe! How awesome is that? I am surrounded, like Brystol, with people that do those things for me, that I am now unable to do myself. Brystol has a funny sense of humor, and sees the world thru her own eyes. Not mine. Not yours. She is like her mama in that she is going to do things her own way, and she somehow knows it will all come out ok. She loves to get hugs, and loves to give hugs. Frankly, I think she is quite amazing, and when I grow up, I want to see the world thru her eyes. Tho maybe I do to some degree. I find humor in the world, and the people around me. An example is when the neurologist yesterday kept talking about 2 years, bla, bla, bla, 2 years. Finally, I asked him what he was talking about with 2 years. He said,"has no one ever told you your life expectancy?". I told him no they had not because I never asked, and frankly didn't want to know. Oops! On the way home, I kept thinking about his 2 year life expectancy. 2 years from when? When did the 2 years begin? From diagnosis? That would be march. But what if I had gone to the dr in Jan, would I just keel over dead in Jan 2013? What if I still hadn't gone to the dr yet, would my time not have started yet? What if I cross the international date line? Do I get another day, or die a day sooner? Do I wait until someone says "ready, set, go!". This 2 year thing is so confusing, I think I just won't die. I think I'll just stick it out until the rapture then we can all go together. I never liked taking trips by myself anyway. Life is funny. Brystol baby, thank you for reminding Nanny how funny life can be. And honey, like you, I will just keep smiling. Keep the faith, Becky

What a wonderful weekend. I spent it at a church camp in beautiful east Texas. My cousin, Charlene, came to help me. My problems are that my legs don't work so good. I cannot tell you how many trips she made to the room, meeting hall, or getting something in the cafeteria, just because I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. I HATED asking her for help. I wanted this to be a time of fun and relaxation for her as well, not there to take care of me. I thought about this all the way home. How she sacrificed herself for me, and for no other reason but love. I also began to realize I hate asking God, my Father and Creator for help. I always think he has more important things to do. (like world peace and seeing to it us women wear Christian panties). If you were at camp this week, you get this last statement. I know God cares about my cancer, and I can pray for that, but to ask him to give me strength to walk, seems like I'm troubling him too much. Do you ever do that? Now, as a parent, I want to be involved in all aspects of my children's lives. ( I will not interfere, but I care enough to know what is happening in their lives. Wouldn't God be that way with me? And the only difference is, I want him to interfere. I want him to take control and make me feel good again. Today I realized I am like the cowardly lion on the wizard of oz. I know I have to see the wizard, and I know when I get there, I will be welcome, but I am scared of the journey to get me there. Whether that is healing or death, either way is painful. Haven't I had enough pain in my life? Course, the deciples probably wondered the same thing before they were put to death. The camp was relaxing, shed lots of tears, laughed alot, made new friends, and spend much time with God ( and Charlene). I am anxious to go back next year. I will make my prayer to be stronger before next ladies retreat. Andrea, it was so nice to meet you and put a face to your name. I am so grateful to God, that he has let me live this long, allowed me to see my 11th grandchild, will help me thru one more testimony at family church, and I just pray he gives me all the right words to say. So tonight, as I pray, I won't just pray for healing. I will pray for peace, strength, rest, no pain, my ear to heal, and my life to be a good one. Maybe it is never too much to ask God. I only thought so, and I have been known to be wrong a time or two. Keep the faith, Becky

Great weekend

What a fun weekend. Saturday, our church was having a "love run". The money earned went to the benevolence fund. I wanted to walk it, but there way no way my dr would let me. With the progression of the Eaton-Lambert disease, it was probably a good thing. So I rode with one of the men in his handy dandy golf cart. So much fun. After the run, I went with Mandi, James, and kiddos in their busvan to eat lunch and do some shopping. I sat on the same seat as Brystol and Elleigh. Elleigh thought I was funny, and I thought Brystol was funny. It is amazing how many people and stuff can be packed in one vehicle. Got up and went to church this morning. Cheryl and I had gotten our pastor and youth pastor a couple of thank you gifts for all they have done for us. After we presented them with our gifts, pastor preached an awesome message, as always. Then after church, I signed up me and my cousin, Charlene, for a Womens retreat. I haven't been in years, and Charlene has never been. It is in her neck of the woods, so it should be fun. Just a weekend with God, each other, and 2 other people God puts us with. I am blessed. I am blessed with good friends, an awesome church, a family that loves me, and still finding ways to serve God. Most of all, I am being blessed with hair!! Now let's hope the radiation doesn't knock it back out. Becky

My Bros and Sis

For those of you that haven't known me for many years, you would have no way to know that my sister is a 16 year cancer survivor. She was the only one of us that never smoked and ended up with throat cancer. The drs at MD Anderson said she was terminal. They couldn't save her life, but they could prolong it. Well, at this point, it's been prolonged 16 years. I have had a rough week. I have been told things from drs I interpreted as terrible, and I took them at their word. I mean, come on, how many miracles does one family get? And she got it first. Based on my extreme fatigue, and just overall feeling really bad, not even energy to do my laundry, I have felt my life was getting shorter and shorter. I have stated this to my brothers last week, and to my sister this week. Well, me saying this didn't set too well with the sibs. Now it's truly how I felt because I seem to be getting worse instead of better. Fatigue levers are thru the roof, I just don't feel good. I see iy as a down hill slide. After my sister did her own rear chewing, she explained it was because it takes alot to bounce back from chemo. Alot. I had no idea it would take this long. She reminded me that after radiation, I would feel like I was dying, but I won't be. Wish they wrote a book on what to expect. But then I guess all people are different. So tonight, I am grateful for my rear chewing bros and sis. I am thankful God put them in my life so I won't give up. I am thankful they remind me what I'm fighting for, even if I do call them ugly names because they are right. I love you, Ruby, Mike, William, and Brenda. This is not a journey I am on alone, I just forget that sometimes. Thank you for being there! Becky

Just pray

A couple of weeks ago, I got put in a position with a person that my answer should have been "no". But I couldn't bring myself to say no. My mouth meant to say "no" but what came out was "yes". I am just not sure how this happens. Yes just popped out of my mouth. As I began to open up to others about my yes word, it was said to me over and over, " don't you know this is going to be disastrous?". Yes. "don't you know you will be used?". Yes. " don't you know nothing is going to change" yes. "don't you know you are supposed to keep your stress levels low?" yes "don't you know this is going to raise your stress levels to a point it could kill you?". Yes. " if you know all this, every bit, why are you doing it? I somehow felt 5 cuz my answer was "I dunno". Sounds like a 5 year old, huh. "no, what are you going to do now? You have already set this in motion?". The truth was, they were right, I was codependent with no good answer, and all I could come up with on what was I going to do now? Pray. I'm just going to pray. I have a few days before my yes should have been no, so I will pray. Now, I'm going to tell you, we got within hours, HOURS, of this thing occurring, and God interviened. I was suddenly taken completely out of the picture, and the person that did the asking? Their life is better than it has been in a year. It is beyond what they can imagine or think. And the best part to me is, this family is beginning to build a relationship with the Lord. Now how cool is that? AND it had nothing to do with me. It is between them and God. Now just how quickly I forget. Today, just today, I go to the Dr. I am given the results of my scan, and the understanding Cheryl and I got from the Dr was that I had 3-4 months left to live. If I was lucky. I have to admit, sadness overtook me. I accepted what was said, and became so incredibly sad. I figured it up, and was glad I would be here for the holidays. But they would be my last. Lord, you just have to give me some kind of strength. Even a teensy bit. Just a little. I'll take any strength you throw my way. As I went in for the brain scan, I began to cry. Tears are running down my face, and I quickly figure out this was not such a good idea, because they put a mask over my face and my nose is running. Oh, great, can things get worse? I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. There must be something I can do. I've always been a problem solver but this is out of my hands. Ok, Lord, I'm slow. I know what to do. Just pray. Pray for wisdom of my Drs, pray I make the right choices, pray I live lots longer than they are predicting, pray for strength, courage, and calmness. Lots of it. And Lord, is it too much to ask you to wipe my nose? As I lay there, questions began to pop in my mind about the things we were told by the dr. I don't have a few months. My dr was comparing my 4th scan with my 3rd scan. I thought he was comparing the 4th scan with the 1st scan. Big difference in the 2 scans. From 1st scan, most of my cancer is gone. Now, with small cell cancer, I will never be cured (or so he says, I've learned to just pray). But I can live longer. I will live to show Elleigh I have her hair. I will live to laugh at Brystol. I will live to hold Piper and kiss her little face. I will live to cuddle with Riley-Grace, and I will live to get Bub to walk me across a parking lot holding my hand ( he hates that). So today, I am blessed. I am better than I was yesterday, and those who put up with me boo-hooing yesterday know who you are and how I was. I am blessed to be given another day-you are too. I am blessed that God loves me - you are too. But most of all, I know God will take me when he's ready, and not a minute before- you too. So we keep going. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's hard because of my Eaton-Lamberts disease, but I make it, and haven't fallen down. If I do, I will get back up. I will always get back up. And for that, I can praise the Lord! Good night, Becky

I go tomorrow for the results of the belly/pelvis scan. The problem for me, is because it is a CT scan, I'm not going to believe the results. One time I had a CT scan checking for cancer. First scan they ever did to look for it. It showed a little teen-iny bit of cancer. Because of that, they did a PET scan and it showed my chest region was eat up with cancer. So if the dr says it doesn't show any cancer, what does that mean? I have a little? Or a lot? With this cancer being so aggressive, if it shows none, and I have some, untreated I live weeks. This is the part I hate about insurance companies. They make the decisions. I was told that my dr spent an hour on the phone trying to explain why I needed a PET scan, all to no avail. So I will go in tomorrow, I will be told something, and I can tell you I won't believe it. But I will go anyway, just because I see Dr Konduri, and he has fought so hard for me. If the cancer was gone, and I could be sure it was gone, I could sure rest better. I'm just so tired. Tired of chemo, tired of drs appts, tired of not being able to walk very well, tired of mouth blisters, tired of nausea and diarrhea, and all of it with no end in sight. So today, I am asking, or maybe begging is the right word, for God to give me some kind of strength. Strength to put one foot in front of the other (and not fall down), strength to want to get up in the morning, strength to not be afraid to eat because of all the problems that causes, or maybe just strength to care again. But most important, strength to just not be afraid. I have discovered that I am terrified of what lies ahead, and a huge part of me doesn't want to face it. I would rather call it off now, but then I know that's cowardly. I'm not so sure what happened to my will to live, my drive, or my determination, but somehow it has left me. And that makes me sad. I pray it comes back. I pray I can get to a point I care again. If you pray for me, pray for this. That I will care again and will fight again. I know I'm tired. Maybe that's just it. But whatever this is, pray that these feelings go away, and my will to live returns, cuz right now, I'm just not feeling it. Thank you all for any prayers sent my way. Becky

What a weekend

I go tomorrow for my scans. These are the scans that tell me whether the cancer is still here, in which case I start chemo all over again. If it's gone, I get ready for the 10 brain radiations. Either way kind of sucks. I don't like either of the choices. This alone is a lot of stress. And some silly Dr told me to keep my life as stress free as possible. Oh pa-lease! Now we add to this that I have family members that I love nipping at each other. This one is not allowed over here, the other ones are not allowed over there, I am not allowed to get family members around the wrong ones or I'm in trouble. Good Lord. I am at a loss for words. Honestly, due to the turmoil, I have about decided to just take the easier road ( I am doing the less stressful thing) and I have pretty much decided not to have the brain radiation. Just let whatever happens, happens. I was actually told this week, that because of something that happened 10 years ago, one family member has decided not to see the other again. 10 freaking years ago! But the thought of not seeing this person didn't dawn on him, until he had been done that way by another family member. So if the truth be told, I may not do chemo either. I will decide that when the time comes. Some things in life, I just do not understand. Some things are just hard for me to grasp. I understand boundary setting, but unforgiveness is something I have a hard time with. After the 10 years of unforgiveness, I am at a loss. These decisions are mine. Chemo causes me to be exhausting, nauseating, cause mouth blisters, give me diarrhea,depression, chemo brain, and all for what? Not so sure any more. So I guess tomorrow is a day to find out how much longer I have. Now off that subject, I went to Tulsa to try to help my brothers move Mike into his new-to-him house. It is so cool, and so perfect for him. He is 5 blocks from town, but it feels like he lives in the country. He even has a real chicken house, and plans to get chickens. He has pecan trees everywhere, so I told him I wanted a big box of pecans for Christmas. his house has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths. A big workshop out back, and since both of my brothers are good at woodworking, this will become the official shop. I am excited for both of them, (and my sweet sister-in-law gets her garage back). So it has been a great, but tiring weekend. Glad to be home. Think I will shower and go to bed. Pray for tomorrow. I'm good either way. Maybe I'm just tired of fighting. God will sort it out becky

It's amazing what happens when a person is first diagnosed with cancer. At first, it's all you think about. It is in your face like a banner, and you can't see over it, around it, or thru it, and you just know you will never feel happiness or laughter again. Then they decide the best way to treat you. Now, I would really get that, or maybe should say I would have a happier attitude about it if I knew all the torture they can think of would save my life. But they tell me they cannot save my life, just prolong it. well, I guess that beats a blank, but you do not know how I wish, hope and pray they could save my life. Since I've had my last chemo, I am feeling better and better every day. Many times I feel so good, I forget I have terminal cancer. The drs are going to do a scan in a few weeks. If the scan shows I'm cancer free, then we move toward 10 brain radiations. If the scan shows cancer, we start all over again. I don't like either of these choices, can I have door number 3? So I hang on to God. I just hang on. I am grateful for each day. I am thankful that Riley likes to cuddle, and Brystol makes me laugh out loud every time I look at her picture posing with her seashell. I cannot die yet, I may miss something. Call me in denial, but just what if I don't go? What if I just don't die? Maybe I just won't accept that and do what I want. Something to think about...wonder what God would think about that?

1st annual Bettge cousins reunion

I, like most people, have 2 sides to my family. There is my mothers side, the Edgemons, the normal ones, then there is the Bettge side, the, well, not so normal side. On a fluke, this weekend, most on the Bettge cousins got together for the 1st annual Bettge cousins reunion at my house. If you grew up Bettge, here is what we were taught by our parents. First of all, love God. That's it, He comes first. The second thing we were taught, was to love each other. Really love each other. The third thing we were taught was to forgive one another for...whatever. It didn't matter. Jesus said forgive, so we just do it. And lastly, we were taught to laugh. Really laugh. Until your sides and stomach hurt, or you wet yourself, whichever came first. We do not talk bad about one another because not only is it not nice, but there is nothing bad to say about the others. We are a stick together family. When one is hurting, we all hurt. So, this weekend, most of the Bettges met at my house. My aunt Jean Edgemon was to also come over on Sat to help me with pictures. When she called me Sat, I purposely didn't tell her the house was filled with crazy Bettges. I was afraid she wouldn't come. So here she comes, so unsuspecting and trusting. It wasn't long until not only was she an "honorary" Bettge cousin ( she has the coffee cup to prove it), but she was acting as crazy as the rest of us. Linda and Buddy, thank you for the Easter egg hunt in Aug, and the sundaes on Sunday. Yum, yum. Your Cajun corn soup was to die for, no , I, the cancer patient, don't mean that, but it was sure good. I cannot begin to tell you the craziness that went on in my house the last 2 days, but I can tell you the Bettges that have gone to heaven before us, looked down from heaven, and were proud. Proud of us carrying on tradition. I will say, I have not laughed like this in years. Really. If it is true that laughter and happiness cure cancer, then I am cured! I love the Lord for putting me with this crazy family. I am grateful he gave us the parents he did that taught us to love Him and each other. I am grateful to have been taught to forgive and not to talk bad behind someones back. And aunt jean, I am grateful, you are now officially a Bettge. I love my family. All of them. Thank you all for making me laugh so hard that not only do my sides and stomach still hurt, but I wet myself. Oh, don't judge me, you did too!

I have discovered I'm tired, and probably a little whiney. I am tired of a lot of things. I am mainly tired of being sick. I am tired of doctors, but grateful they have worked hard at keeping me alive. I am tired of so many of the responsibilities Cheryl and I should be sharing, she is doing most herself. Yet I am grateful she is there. I am tired to the toll this disease has taken on my body. I am tired of shots every morning and night(they sting), and I know my port will clog back up if I don't do it. I am grateful I have 1 more round of chemo (3 days), but dread the 10 brain radiations they are going to do to my brain after chemo. What is that going to do me? I am tired of such an uncertain future,but grateful for an awesome God. I know faith isn't knowing everything will be ok, it is being ok with whatever happens. And I am ok with whatever happens. I love the Lord. I love that he loves me. I am grateful for the people God has put in my life that have been such a tremendous help to me. I am so thankful He saw my face the day He hung between heaven and earth, and then died...for me. Since I seem to feel so tired and heavy laden, I know where to go. Sickness is a burden. A big burden on my physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial being. Sometimes I don't juggle them all well, and drop one that I'm juggling. Then I cry. And cry again. But now, I'm not crying. I am just tired and grateful, all at one time. Geez, sometimes I feel so conflicted. :). So for now, I will just keep the faith. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will keep fighting the good fight, and pray for strengh. Keep praying, Becky

The passing of Tom

Another dear friend passed away from cancer the other day. I have known Tom for 6 1/2 years. I love Tom and he will truly be missed. His viewing was today, and I couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until it was me there. It was me in that casket, and the thought made me incredibly sad. Sad it was Tom, and sad for myself. Tom wanted to live like I do. He wanted to work with his Home Depot family as I do. He has a family that loves him, as i do. And friends that love him, as i do. He had plans and dreams for a future, as I do, and neither of us had any amount of guarantee for tomorrow without pain involved. I know none of us have any guarantee of a future, but when you have cancer, it kinda moves it to the front of the line. Before my diagnoses, tho i knew as everyone we could die in the blink of an eye..car wreck, heart attack, accident, but I didn't think about it so much. Having cancer, moves everything to the front of the line. I will so miss Tom. I will miss his smile, his wisdom, that gleam in his eye, his helpfulness, or just a kind word and a smile. Tom was just one of those guys that you have to wonder how the world is going to make it without him. And then he's one of those guys that was such a good man, you have to scratch your head and wonder "why him"? So today im sad. Sad we've lost another to cancer, sad to have lost a dear friend, sad that the world will never be the same, but most of all, sad my dear friend has passed away. I will truly miss him. I love you, Tom. Becky

Still reading "Crazy Love"

Today, during my last chemo for the month, I was reading the book Crazy Love. I downloaded it on my iPad sometime back, and haven't finished. Here is what I read this morning, and it seemed so fitting for my day. Jesus said, "in this word you will have trouble" John 16:33. Life isn't perfect when you follow Christ wholeheartedly, you will have trouble, Jesus says. It is pretty much guaranteed. BUT He has overcome the world. So take heart, keep on, fight the good fight, pray continuously, and do not grow weary. There is nothing better than giving up everything and stepping into a passionate love relationship with God, the God of the universe who made the galaxies, leaves, laughter, and me and you. How fitting for me to read today. In the last several months, I have had 4 close friends die of cancer. So for me, especially while I'm sitting in this chemo chair, I need to remember this. I will take heart, keep on, fight the good fight, pray continuously, and do my best not to grow weary. I hate this cancer, but I love the Lord. Seeing all these dear people, so close to me die, honestly frightens me a bit. And even at times, makes me want to quit fighting. But then there are days like today that is my daughters birthday, or I will see Brystol get that little ornery gleem in her eyes, or Riley-Grace wants to cuddle, and Matthew would rather have the fleas of a thousand camels nest in his armpits, rather than cuddle, but he does it anyway, just for a minute. My life with Cheryl is a good one. We laugh, go places, enjoy church together, or just sitting in our recliner with our feet up. So Lord, today, just help me not feel so weary. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Becky

I'm home

I am so blessed. I just got back from a few days out of town. Went to Corpus Christi to visit my favorite uncle, Freddie, and his honey. I had days to not think about chemo, radiation, blood draws, neurologists, eaton-lambert syndrome. So I am blessed. I feel God watched over us going and coming. No car problems. I didn't post results of last scan because I had conflicting reports. According to what the nurse told me, it wasn't so good. This news upset me so much, she had the dr call. He wasn't sure what I was upset about because he thought things were excellent, and on track. I see the dr tomorrow, and God knows the outcome. I will trust Him. It's just hard when you know your cancer is ultimately terminal, the question is how long I can hang on, or how long God will give me here. So all I can do is trust God. So I am blessed. I visited Freddie and Nancy, went and saw their beautiful bed and breakfast they are building. The 16th was Cheryls birthday, and my friend, Kathys birthday. I have been friends with Kathy since we were in Jr High. We went to kings Inn at Baffin Bay, and ate a wonderful supper with birthday cake, thanks to kathys sister, laura, and her hubby. On the way back, I made Cheryl stop at every house, looking for someone home, so I could ask permission to take some cotton from their fields. This being Texas a person could get shot stealing a mans cotton. I finally found someone home, after about 7 or 8 houses, and I was able to pick some. Now I got it because I don't think my grandkids have seen cotton in the bole, and the plant stalk. If they have, the least they can do is pretend they have never seen it. So I'm so glad to be home, in my own bed. I so loved my trip but I begin my 3 days of chemo again tomorrow. Ugh. God will go with me. He will direct my path, and will give me strength to put one foot in front of the other. I love the Lord, and besides, I didn't steal the cotton, I asked permission :) keep praying for me. Thank everyone for all the prayers so far. Just keep the faith. Becky

A short trip to Corpus Christi

Cheryl and I have had a great time on our short trip. It was nice to get away from chemo, blood draws, drs appts, it just never ends. So the last few days, I have been in Corpus visiting my uncle Freddie, and Nancy. Tho I still brought my cancer with me, and my bald head, it has been great visiting people I love. Today, Cheryl and I met up with my friend, Kathy Weimer Brown. Today was hers and cheryls birthday so a group Of us went to kings inn for an awesome supper. On the way home, I snagged some cotton out of the many cotton fields. I don't know if my grandchildren have ever seen cotton grow. In the morning, we will make a trip back out to freddies to tell him and Nancy goodbye, then back on the road headed home. My life begins again Monday. Chemo Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And a million drs appts. So this has been great to step out of my world, if only for a minute. Cancer is a hard journey, and the break from it has been nice. I am so thankful for our safe trip, and the fun we've had. I should be home by tomorrow night. Keep the faith, Becky

Be thankful in all things?

In Ephrsians 5:20, it reads" Always give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ". Always? Are you serious? Now, some things are easy. I can easily give thanks for my home, my friends. For Cheryl, who is more than a friend and has become my caregiver.I can give thanks that my poor old car is paid off. I can easily thank God for my children ( or at least most of them) and all of my 10 grandchildren. I can thank God for grandbaby number 11 on her way. So these things are easy to be grateful for. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it reads" No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus". Always? No matter what happens? Well, my life has been hard lately and I am supposed to be thankful no matter what happens? God, what is up with that? I am to be thankful, I have terminal lung cancer, don't work my job anymore, with eaton-lambert syndrome, I do well to stay on my feet and not fall over like a weeble. I am to be thankful my money is cut in half? I am to be thankful I have to humiliate, or humble myself to always ask for help for things I could do before. So the word today is thankful...in all things. Now God, that is a tall order. But I will have a shot at it. I am thankful that even tho I dont work my job anymore, I have disability. I still get to go to Home Depot and see my friends, my disease may be terminal, but there was a time I only had a couple of weeks to live, and I'm still here. I am thankful to have friends to come and help me when I need it, thank you everyone. I am thankful for the help of my daughter and son in law, and to the grandkids who make me laugh. I am thankful to Cheryl for explaining things the drs say to me, because I am too intimidated to ask. I am thankful to Baylor Cancer Treatment center and their whole staff of experienced drs, who's only job is to save my life. So maybe thankfulness is all in attitude. Maybe it is just how I need to look at things. So while I'm at it, I am thankful for Christs love, that he died to the cross in my place. I am thankful to have a relationship with Him, and I am thankful when I die, I will go to heaven and be with Him. And my husband, and mama, and grandmama, and grandpa, brother, grandchildren. I will just be busy visiting when I get to heaven. So, ok, God, when I first read this, I thought you were making some kind of weird joke, but I can see it now. I am thankful, for everything that has been thrown my way. You and I can do it. You are an amazing God and I will forever worship you, in everything. Keep the faith, Becky

Our trip

I am leaving for a short trip away next week. I am loaded with drs appts Monday and Tuesday, then leave whenever the spirit moves Cheryl. I want to leave at 4am, Cheryl wants to leave at 10 am. Since she's driving, guess we better do 10. I am so ready for some time away. We are going to corpus to see uncle Freddie, and take Cheryl to padre island. Then on her birthday, we will go to Baffin bay and eat at Kings Inn with some school friends of mine. My life has sure changed in the last 4 months. It has just been turned upside down, and I don't know how to right it. In our lives, we are taught to do the right things, or at least how to make things right. I don't know how to change this back. I sure would if I could. Cancer is such a tiring disease. My fatigue level is thru the roof, and I just dont feel all that good. I just go from one dr to the next, and if I want to live, they are all necessary. I am grateful God sent me to the drs he did. I know having confidence in your drs is important. I am grateful God loves me. I was reading in 1 Peter 5:6 this morning. " so humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.". I love the mighty power of God, mighty power. Pretty cool, huh. He also cares about what happens to me? Now that is amazing! With all God has to deal with, it is amazing He cares about what happens to me. So, yep, I will keep serving my mighty God. I will keep praying, reading my Bible, studying, and going to church. So y'all keep praying for my health, safety on our trip, and maybe I can blast Cheryl out of bed so we can leave by 4. That one would take a direct word from God, cuz she's done said she ain't getting up sooner. Keep the faith. Beckt

I am grateful

I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer. I think I asked the question, would the day ever come, I wouldn't think about constantly. I was told it would, and I am happy to say, that day has arrived. Oh, I am still conversing with drs about my many appts, and trying to get them scheduled. But I can go to a movie and watch it, or watch a tv show and concentrate on what is going on on the show. I can read books or my Bible, and remember what I read. So this is awesome. I feel like I'm living my life again. Somewhere along the way, I felt I had already lost my life, it feels good to have it back. Riley-Grace came over to spend a couple of nights with me. Tho we haven't done much, I love having my granddaughter here. I just enjoy spending time with her. I will meet her mama at the water park to return her tomorrow. So today, I'm grateful. I am grateful that at least for now, my life is getting some normalcy to it. I am grateful I am taking a little trip next week, just to get away for a few days. I am grateful for my drs and all they do. I am grateful to God for his healing power. I am grateful for my church and my home depot friends for all they do. I am just blessed. Becky

Crazy love

I downloaded off of Kindle, and am now reading the book, Crazy Love. All I can say so far is ouch, ouch, ouch! The truth sure hurts. Many of you have heard me say, that my attitude can be "that it's all about me". This book makes it plain that nothing is about me, it is all about God. He loves me more than I can ever fathom, but it's not all about me. Its not about my will, but Gods will, and I still have to be willing to give that up, even when I fear our wills won't be the same. Ow, what a hard thing to do. It is especially hard when I am facing such an uncertain future. I want to live to be old, to be at grandchildrens weddings, to go back to work part time. But what if that is not Gods will. Am I willing to give up my own will for Gods? Hhmmmm.... Hard. But it shouldn't be hard. If I call myself a Christian, and I do, the answer should be easy. Maybe I feel a little like Jonah, running from God. Not for what he's asked me to do, but for what he MIGHT ask me to do. Ok, that is stupid, I admit. So my prayer tonight is that God will help me with this. Being willing to do His will, instead of mine, and to do it joyfully. To be willing to serve the Lord with gladness, in everything I do, whether pleasant or unpleasant. I guess that means during chemo, I should be grateful it is saving my life, instead if focusing on how sick it makes me. So, I'm learning. I am learning I have a ways to go in the Christianity dept. And I am also reminded that growth is sometimes painful. Keep the faith, becky

Hope and the ants

Several years ago, quite a few In fact, I drove my mother to Tribune, Kansas to visit my sister. Since she is the wise one and didn't smoke, I stepped outside to have a cigarette or two. I remember it was a nice day. My brother-in-law, who is a awesome pastor of his church, and is also a miracle yard dude, had this beautifll, lush back yard. It was always a pleasure to sit on his lawn. So there I am, sitting in the grass, smoking, when I notice this long ant trail. Lots of ants, walking the same path, up and back. They did not waiver or get off their trail. They were just doing their little nt thing. Whatever their purpose, they were deturmined. I hunted around, and found a little stick. I placed this stick right in the path of the ant trail. Well, this confused them. Some began to wander aimlessly in circles, some wandered WAY off, and some turned around and went bank the way they came. To the ants, this was a huge obstacle. It messed up their life, they couldn't see a way out of it, but in truth, it was just a little bitty stick. All I had to do was pick up the stick. I sometimes think our problems are like that. We go about our lives, or at least I did. I worked at a job I loved, with people I adored, lived with my best friend, and life was good. Just following my little ant trail. Never really stopping to think about how truly blessed I was. Just living my life, following my ant trail to and fro. Then one day, this big o stick got placed in my path. I did what the ants did, first I wandered aimlessly, then off the path, then finally headed back the way I had come. The truth was, to me, it was just a little bitty stick. Once I flicked it away, the ants were good. Lord, help me remember, to you, this illness is a little bitty stick. I see it as huge. Like the ants, I can't see over it, I see no way around it, and certainly can't get under it. So Lord, if I can just remember to you, this is a little bitty stick. You could flick it away. But in the meantime, Lord, help me to not run aimlessly about, help me to stay on the path, but the most important, just help me stay close to you and just wait. Help me to remember to be still, and know that you are God. Becky

Just griping

For some reason, this has been a hard couple of weeks for me. Well, maybe for many reasons. I am feeling just incredibly sad over loss. And it's not, probably, the type of loss one would imagine. It is the loss of not being able to mow my own yard, or clean out my own garage. I can't even walk down to the mailbox, I have to drive my bald self there. One year ago, I was on a 5800 mile road trip with the Huggins family. We would stop and hike up hills, down to streams, all over the place. I felt great, never knowing something so deadly was growing inside me. Now, I get winded if I carry my clothes to the washing machine. For me, a simple chore becomes huge. I try to do things, Cheryl fusses at me (truly out of concern), I tell her I at least have to try, and we go from there. I guess I am just looking for some normalcy, nothing to do with cancer, or what I cannot do. I have always been so independent. The only things I did not do, were things I did not want to do. Now it's turned into all the things I cannot do, and that makes me sad. Very sad. So today, I'm battling the depression of chemo, cancer, and also loss. Loss of independence, loss of ability to do physical things, and probably the worst, is loss of pride. It is humiliating to ask for so much help. Maybe I am to learn to be humble, but then again, maybe not. All I know is this stinks. I just hate hate hate asking for help, and I especially hate it simply because I cannot do it myself. But I keep trying to do things, Cheryl keeps fussing at me, I keep trying anyway, and at the end of it all, I still had to ask for help. So today, I am just griping. Just cause I can. Maybe tomorrow, I will be more positive. Beckt

Pastor Mike and prayer

Sorry, I got interrupted and couldn't figure out how to go back. As I was saying, I know there is an answer to this dilemma, just not sure what its. And maybe that is not a true statement. I just need to figure out how to make Gods will, my will, in this matter. I have to trust that he has my best interest at heart. And I have to figure out a way to follow His will, without giving up my desire to fight for my life. Maybe next Sunday, Pastor Mike will preach on something easy. I can only hope. :). Keep praying, Becky

Pastor Mike and prayer

Today is still a weird/sad day. No particular reason, I'm still thinking it is because drs keep changing my meds around, and I've not adjusted yet. But I woke up this morning thinking about what Pastor Mike preached on Sunday. It was about prayer and why we should pray. Also, as Christians, we are called to pray. I have discovered lately, I am having a hard time praying. I am afraid "my will" and "Gods will" for my life are not the same. When Jesus gave the example of how to pray in the Lords prayer, it says even there, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. There again, thy will be done, not Becky's will be done. Now the strange part is, I do not feel I have moved away from God, or quit loving Him, I am just having a hard time praying for myself and healing. Now one thing I did find interesting in my study this morning, in Luke 11, it talks about a man that knocked on a fellows door late at night and asked fo a loaf of bread. The dude told him it was late, and to go away. But he didn't, he kept knocking and knocking until finally the dude got up and gave him what he wanted ( ok, I'm paraphrasing, it doesn't say dude in the Bible). Jesus goes on to say if you keep asking, you will be given what you asked for, if you keep looking, you will find, and if you keep knocking the door will be opened. I know that I am a child of Gods. I know he wants me to pray. But my prayers come out with me screaching to the top of my lungs, "do this my way". I guess I am afraid if I accept Gods will in the matter of my sickness, I will be giving up my will to fight to live. My will is to live, my will is to spend time with my children and grandchildren, my will is to spend time with my friends, attend church, sit on my patio very early listening to the birds. My will is to hold this new grandbaby coming in October- number 11, by the way. My will is to live long enough all of my gramdchildren will have awesome memories of me. But, it may not be Gods will. And since at this point I don't know what Gods will is, it is just hard for me to pray. I really wish Pastor Mike hadn't preached on this on Sunday, because now I have to deal with it. Oh, I have no doubt he did just what God told him to, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I know there is an answer to this dilima,

Joy?

For those that have heard my testimony, or know me and my siblings on a more intimate level, you would know we did not have a good childhood. I have always said that if any of us wrote a book on our childhood, it would be titled "I was Potty Trained at Gunpoint". Now I say that to be funny, but there is some truth to it. As we grew into adulthood, we all made different choices in life. Some became more successful than others. Now I say that, but I'm not sure who decides that. But what we have and always had is a bond with each other that only pain can bring. So somewhere, speaking only for myself, I have to know all that pain of growing up in an alcoholic, abusive home had meaning. That something good came out of it. I know for me, after Mama left and eventually divorced Daddy, I learned faith. Mama taught me to have faith. Many times, things were so hard, but Mama would tell us faith was all we needed. Now at 16, and not having a relationship with God, I didn't get it. I thought honestly what we needed was just a little food in the fridge, something more than an onion and a jar of mayonnaise. This morning, I was reading James 1:1-4. It reads," whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." Now see, this is one of those scriptures I was talking about yesterday. Let it be an opportunity for joy. Joy? Not sure I like that word. I mean, why didn't James say, opportunity for growth, or prayer, or get ready cuz it's coming? No, oh no, he had to use the word joy. In my childhood, or teenage years, joy would NEVER have been the woud I would have used. I cried too many tears for that. But today, I will give in to the word Joy. Now I can see that as teens and young adults, our faith was tested over and over, and our endurance most certainly did grow. I don't know if the rest of the scripture is true for me just yet, the part that reads "when my strength is fully developed". But I know it is forever developing, the scripture reads "I will be strong in character and ready for anything". With my terminal cancer diagnosis, I had better be ready for anything. I know God did not cause our childhood to be so bad, but I know He used it to build us up and give us strength. Likewise, I know God did not give me cancer. I did that on all by myself. I smoked way too long. What did I think would happen? While at the waterpark with my daughter yesterday, we were talking about this time last year. We were on a 5800 mile road trip, me personally having the best vacation of my entire life, and all the while, not knowing what laid ahead. I am sure the cancer was there, I just had no symptoms yet. What a difference a year makes. So today, I will let this be an opportunity for joy, even tho I just think I would have written it differently. Of course you've noticed there is no Book of Becky in the Bible, since God didn't ask me. That being said, I guess I have to go with His word-Joy. Today, I will let it be an opportunity for joy, my faith will be tested, and my endurance will grow, then I can know I will be strong in character, and God and I will be ready for anything. Yes, I said anything. Keep praying for me. I still believe in miracles. Becky

Faith and hope

When I first became ill, my daughter brought me a book called "Hope". Now, the truth is, I could and do have faith in God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, but in my heart, I had (and sometimes still do) have little room for hope. I have never just put the book away, not to read it. I have left it out, in my way, purposely, knowing I was supposed to pick it up. Just not yet, or a hit and miss. Another thing I hate to admit, is even tho I know with all my heart the Bible is true, every word, sometimes I just kind of skim over some words because I dont quite see how they pertain to me at the moment. I look at the words and passage I feel do pertain to me. Or passages I don't understand, rather than dig a little deeper for the meaning, I also skim over. As most of you know, this has been my weepiest week yet. So very hard emotionally. I think it is this way because physically, I don't know how much longer I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. This morning, as I was reading, I was reminded in John 10:28, that God said "you are mine. I bought you with a price, and you are precious to me. No one and nothing can snatch you from my hand". Now I have read that scripture I don't know how many times in my life, but somehow today, it is just different. I have known I am Gods, I have known I was bought with a price, but today, I needed to hear I am precious to Him. Come on, really? Precious? Then as I read on in 1 Peter:5,6 the scripture reads to serve each other with humility. " God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble. So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.". Now I love this scripture, except for the part that reads, " and in his good time he will honor you. I want it to be in MY good time, because I think everything is about me. But I guess if I want the "give all your worries and cares to Him for he cares about what happens to you, I have to accept the " in his good time part. So today, I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful I am a child of Gods, I am grateful for the healing he is doing in my body. Maybe I just need to work on the "my will vs Gods will thing.". Just sayin...Becky

A little weepy, ok, maybe a lot weepy

Some days are hard, and sometimes those days run together and make for a very hard time emotionally. This is one of those times. Tho it's been 3 days since my chemo round, I just want to cry, and do cry. Talking with my sister and brother yesterday, I had to tell them in advance, if I start crying, just ignore. I am just so incredibly tired, sick, and weary. This journey has been the hardest I have ever taken. I am not used to an easy life, or a cushy life. I am actually used to a hard life, but at times, this is more than I can bear. I pray, wail, give it to God, take it back from Him, cry some more, and still, even still, just wish I could feel good. Or at least, sorta good. So far, I have had 15 chemo bags dumped into my body. It sure takes it's toll. I know by next week I will feel better. Actually, by the time I get out of church tomorrow, I will feel better. Just right now, I don't. My love of my God is still there, my faith in Him as my savior is still there. I guess I am still just having a hard time letting Jesus row the boat, with me in it, in the dark, He's not telling me where were going, just trust Him. Well, I do trust Him, but I still want Him to tell me the plan. Mainly because I still think this is all about me. It is always all about me. Only my Lord and Savior doesn't see it that way. So I guess we'll do it His way, but I don't like it. Today I don't know what is wrong with me. Just profound sadness. I need prayer for this. I need prayer for letting go of things and having peace about it. I need prayer for trying to do things myself rather than give it to God. I am just tired tonight. Probably a normal emotion or feeling for someone with cancer. Probably a normal reaction for someone with terminal cancer. But I still don't like it. I have kept my faith, and for now, that has to be enough. Becky

Be still

I am just about done with my chemo. My last days are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The last scan the dr did, the cancer was gone. So after this round, he will do another scan and make sure it didn't move anywhere weird. The logical thing would be for me to be happy and rejoicing, but that is just not true. The truth is, I'm scared. Scared to stop chemo, praying we don't go too long in between scans, and scared to not see the dr on a regular basis. I guess this is the time I have to trust my drs to know all these answers, and lean very heavily on the Lord. After a person has had a diagnosis of terminal cancer, how do you go back to a normal life? What is my normal life now? It certainly cannot be the same. I do know I am only going back to work very part time. I want plenty of time with the kids and grandkids. I want to go down water slides with Matthew and Riley-Grace. I want to read books to Brystol. I do not want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane like Chelsea did. I want to spend some time with Kate. I want Elleigh to get to know her Nanny, and I have to be around when Piper Jolene is born. I hope to see Amara, Rae Lynn, and Cael, but they live so far away, that would be a stretch. I want to live past 60. So today, I'm trusting God. Even with my fear, and a little anxiety. Now is the time, I climb in the boat with Jesus, in the dark. I cannot see where I'm going, and don't even have a say on how to get there. Now that doesn't quite seem fair, cuz it's all about me. Ok, guess it's not. Jesus does the rowing, and my job is to trust Him and keep my mouth shut. But I want to be in control. See how conflicted I am? Maybe I'm just loosing my mind, and this is my new normal...so to my children, be afraid. Be very afraid. The thing is, every single time I've just trusted, when I managed to be still and know that He is God, things always worked out better than I could have imagined. This is one of those times. I am not sure what my life looks like now. My first order of business is to grow hair. My second is to not be afraid. Just not be afraid. So I will see where this takes me, where God takes me. I will keep on keeping on. Emily, I pray I have walked most of the way out of this valley. I have not pitched my tent there for a long time. Everyone, still keep praying. For complete healing, for peace, and just courage enough to keep trusting. I am nearly done, and do I feel blessed!

One more round of chemo

This coming Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday is my last chemo round. In some ways, I'm excited. Excited to not have that poison flowing into my body, but scared for it not to, because that poison killed my cancer. The last scan I had, the cancer was gone in my lungs and lymph nodes. That is the good news. After this last round of chemo, the Dr will do a PET scan and make sure it didn't move to some other location. I am choosing to believe it didn't move. That just makes me feel better. Here is the part that is hard...the type of cancer I have, according to the Drs will come back. The only question is when. I know this cancer journey has been the toughest walk I have ever had, bar none. So I already know I don't want to keep going down this road over and over again, and yet I know I will when the time comes. What I do know is that I'm tired. At times, to the point of weary. So maybe it's a good thing my chemo is coming to an end. Maybe this is just the time I need to lean a little harder on the Lord. He called all us weary people, and said He would give us rest. I believe that to be true. So I will lean on Him, press in, and just hold on. The truth is, I'm just scared. Scared this will never be over, and then scared it will end. Life is tough, no matter how long we may live. I have 10 grandchildren, with number 11 on the way. So I want my living to be a long time. Maybe I'm just scared of trying to live a normal life, whatever that is. What I'm not scared of is my relationship with the Lord. Honestly, that is the only thing I am sure of. Everything else is uncertain. So just keep praying for me. Pray for complete healing, pray for some peace for me, and pray for my drs, that they will continue to do the right things for me. So, I'm glad this is coming to an end.....not so much. Just keep on keeping on, becky

It's always good to go home

The last few months have been a whirlwind, sickly, and scary. I have spent much time in the hospital, sometimes in a very painful state. The doctors have run tests, rendered treatment, sometimes painfully. So needless to say, this has not been a fun few months. This past week, a dear friend passed away, and I went to Tulsa for the funeral. When I walked in, I realized that was the first time I had been back in my home church since my husbands funeral was held there. I was blessed to spend time with my dear friends of many years and we just seemed to pick up where we left off. I finally landed at my brother and sister in laws house. They are Bill and Brenda. We got my brother, Mike there, and my sister, Ruby came down from Kansas. The really cool part about the 4 of us is we are truly close and love one another. We also respect and care about and for each other. So after the last few months, I have really needed my family. I just needed to "go home". Tho it is not the house we grew up in, "home" is where the 4 of us are. We shopped together, house hunted for mike a house, cooked way too much food, ate like pigs, and laughed like everything was funny. My 2 nephews, Freddie and Daniel came over last night, along with my niece, Miriah, and her friend, Gina. The boys played guitars and sang. We tried to sing along, but we mainly ate pie and home made ice cream, and let them sing. Our mouths were busy. I am so grateful for my family. I am so thankful that we love and accept each other even with our differences and sameness. I have an awesome family, and even the greatest sister in law in the world. She not only puts up with our nonsense, but loves us anyway. Thank you, Brenda! It was hard for us all to leave each other this morning. The last time we had seen each other was when I was in the hospital and still pretty sick. So this was great. I guess it is true when people say, "you can't go home again", but that is not true in our case. "Home" is where the 4 of us are. And since we count Brenda, home would be where the 5 of us are. To my siblings, I love you all. And I miss you already. Becky

Step sisters on my Fathers side

Tomorrow is my friends funeral. Tho I know she was/is a Christ follower, the world will not be the same without her in it. I lived in Tulsa for 30 years before moving back to my home state of Texas. In the course of that 30 years, I have been blessed to know many people. And it's kind of crazy when I say "know", because the truth is, it is more than that. We have a genuine love, respect, and caring for one another that time and distance doesn't change. I don't know how many people realize just how awesome this is. We just kind of pick up where we left off, no matter how much time it has been. With me also fighting for my life, and knowing I, too, have a terminal disease, this death of my dear friend not only fills my heart with such grief, it also scares me. I know she must have wanted to live, just the same as I do. I am sure she fought the fight with all her strength, just as I have done. But the one thing I know about Marilyn, is that she changed lives of everyone she touched, and therefore, changed the world. How incredible is that? I pray others will be able to say that about me when I die. My prayer every day is just that I pray people can see Christ thru me. That they will know Him because of my actions and words. Don't get me wrong, I also pray to live. A long life. But don't we all. Tonight, I am grateful for my friends, my family, and my step sisters on my Fathers side. We have gotten each other thru much. I need them to know how much I love them. How much I respect them. And how I know without them, my life would not be the same. You women are amazing. I have learned much about the God I serve because of you women. for that, I am grateful so to my step sisters, I owe you much. But the most important thing, is I owe you my eternity. Without you, I never would have understood the grace and mercy of my Lord. You women are my angels, and I love you all.

Still here

I am still here. So far, I have survived. The sad part for me is not all of us can say that. This week, the world lost an awesome woman, one who loved the Lord, her husband of a billion years,numerous friends and relatives, and she went to be with the Lord. She fought the fight with all she had, and again, it has reminded me how fragile life really is, and how much we take for granted. I know personally, cancer and chemo have made me sicker than I have ever been in my life, but I keep fighting. I think God just instills that will to survive, so we don't give up so easily. My friend, like my husband will not easily be forgotten after their death. They literally touched so many people, that lives were forever changed. I think death is a personal thing between the person and God. I had a hard time with that after my husbands death, because I always think everything is about me. It's all about me. I know I was the one that felt my heart break inside my chest once he was gone. It took a few years for me to get real with God and tell Him how very angry I was about the whole thing. And being the awesome God he is, He could take it. So now, I am the one fighting to live. I am the one that just wants my life to be normal, and not centered around cancer, chemo, or sickness. I am ready for the last PET scan and I pray, oh how I pray, I will have the all clear. Now I know my cancer is terminal because it is classified extended, instead of limited. But it will mean I will have another day. It will still involve scans to make sure I am still clear, but I can do that. I serve a big, awesome God. I know some day He is going to come get me and take me to the place He has prepared for me. Like my friend and husband, I just pray I have shown people my God, and I pray I made a difference.In themeantime, I just keep onkeeping on. Becky

Valley Walker

My niece, Emily, reminded me at the beginning of my journey, that I was a valley walker, not a valley dweller. Emmy, this was awesome advise. My job was just to keep walking thru the valley with my eyes on the Lord. Don't stop and dwell there, don't pitch my tent, don't even hang out, just keep trucking. Emily is my sisters oldest daughter, and wise beyond her years. During the time she was visiting me in the hospital, my sister and brothers came to visit me also, along with my children, other nieces, and various family members. Not meaning to leave anyone out, the point of my blog tonight, is my sister, brothers, and I did not have it easy growing up. I would go so far as to say it was bad, and at times, unbearable. We grew as teens with a whole slew of defects of character, but the one thing that was made clear was we were owed nothing, excuses were not made for our behavior, and we were responsible for the decisions we made. We had no one making excuses for us, and we accepted our consequences as they came. I got cancer due to poor choices I made. No one made them for me. I have to accept my own responsibility, which I have and do. Tho this is painful, it means I have to keep my eyes on the Lord. I am saying this because so many times, I see teens that others just simply make excuses for. They rarely suffer consequences, and everything is done for them. It took my struggle to realize God was my only hope. My only way. As I watch this occur, I have to wonder at the end of it all, and these kids have never totally suffered consequences, never HAD to trust in the Lord, who is held responsible? The now grown kid who does not know the Lord, or the person who allowed them to get that way? My life has been hard growing up, and is difficult as an adult, but I can honestly say I know the Lord and am a Christ follower. With my eyes on the prize, I am ready to face what God will walk with me thru. I truly am a valley walker, not a valley dweller. So tho as hard as our lives were, my siblings and I learned no one was going to make excuses for us, or look the other way, or not allow us to suffer consequences for our behavior. So if I am grateful for anything in my childhood, this would be it. It taught me God was the one that loved me, He would guide me if I allowed Him, He would walk with me thru every valley, but even He allows me to suffer consequences of my decisions. Yes, at this moment my tumors may be cleared, but believe me, He didn't just wave his hand and make it all go away. I walked thru the cancer treatment hell. Thank you, Lord, you walked with me. I love the Lord. I love the little reprieve I have been given. I love the extra time with my friends and family, and I am ever so grateful no one made excuses for me, so I could develop that relationship with the Lord. I will keep trucking, as usual. Just trying to remember, I am a valley walker, not a valley dweller. Thank you, Emily, I love you. Becky

Getting close

What a miracle! I am getting close to the end of my treatment, and my cancer. Isn't it odd, that in March, I was given a death sentence. But the God I serve, has decided it isn't time yet. It has been the hardest battle of my life. For those that have heard my testimony, I feel like I had to go thru all I have in my past to prepare me for this cancer battle. You cannot have cancer and be weak. Life is just hard with cancer. I am so grateful today. Now, I may be jumping the gun a bit. One more chemo round, then the PET scan just to make sure am cancer free. But I just believe I am. Now, if I can just get the Eaton-Lambert Syndrome under control, that would be a miracle. But I can work on one miracle at a time. I love the Lord. I love how he not only died for my sins, but my healing. I love how he still has that healing touch, and is not afraid to use it. I love that He cares about my life, my hopes in life, my desires in life, and all my dreams. I sure don't know why. I am so not worthy. I know Jesus made me worthy, and that is so awesome, but I don't deserve it. Today, I am grateful. I am grateful about everything, but most importantly, I am grateful for my second chance in life. I will not waste it. Not once. So tonight, I am just praising the Lord. I am just thanking the Lord, and worshiping His holy name. I am getting close, so close. And I cannot wait to get to the end and be done. Life is good once again. Just keep the faith, Becky

Thank you God, Mandi, and Ruby

Ok, it's a countdown of my chemo days. For now, I am looking at 5 more chemo treatments, then I'm done. After that, I move on to PET scan, and I am believing it to be cancer free. Last scan of my lungs and lymph nodes were clear, and I am believing God that they will remain so, along with my liver, heart, bones, and brain. That's what they will check before they can give me the "all clear". This is just amazing to me! In march, at the Lewisville hospital, the oncologist said there was nothing they could do, I was too eat up with cancer. Praise God for my daughter, Mandi, and my sister, Ruby. I would have just accepted what she said thinking she is the Dr. My daughter and my sister did not accept it, and got me moved to Baylor Cancer Center. Ruby and Mandi got me hooked up with the right Drs, and those Drs would not accept death as an answer. So believe me when I say I am grateful for the stubbornness of my sister and my daughter(now you know where my daughter gets her stubbornness). I am grateful to God for giving me more days, and I will not waste those days God has given me. What a mighty God I serve! I have gone from a death sentence, to a being cancer free terminal cancer. Weird, huh? Only God. To clarify, the type of cancer I have medically is terminal. So far, the Dr says I am clear. I will shout it from the rooftops after the PET scan. Then, I will see about going back to work part time. I am so ready. I miss Home Depot. Thank you, Mandi and Ruby, and Praise the Lord for all he has done. It is a miracle!

Well, what a day. It has actually been pretty uneventful, which is awesome for me. I have had way too many "events" lately, so uneventful is good. My dear friend, Theresa Turley, has asked me to post my testimony on my blog. I am giving it some thought, Theresa. Tonight, Cheryl and I snuck off and went to Joes Crab Shack and had an awesome supper. Crab, of course. But tonight, overall, I am feeling better. Still not real energetic, but at least not as bad as it was. I start chemo again on Monday. Tho I am grateful for it's lifesaving effects, I am not looking forward to the nausea, fatigue, gums sore and bleeding, and it taking all I can muster to get thru 3 days of that. But, just 2 more rounds of chemo, and I am done. Yippee!! I am so ready for church in the morning. I love pastor mikes sermons. I am just ready to hear what God needs me to hear. And I know I need to hear much. I love God. I love His love and mercy for me. I love his healing touch. I love that Jesus died for me. Yes, me. The one who least deserved it. I love that He has sent me to the right Drs, and right hospital. But most of all, I love how much He loves me. The lost sheep that He searched for. So, I serve an awesome God. I will always love and serve Him. No matter what. So tonight, I just keep on keeping on. Still trucking. Keeping the faith, Becky

Nothing much

I have waited all week for my blood transfusion to kick in and I would get this big burst of energy. But so far, it hasn't happened. I am still pooped and begin chemo again in 2 days. Makes me wonder just how long it takes to get over cancer treatment. I just thought I would move along a lot faster, but so far, no luck. But either way, I am glad to being close to done. Done is good. So I wait, and pray, and wonder when it will all be done. I am ready to have the PET scan and be told my cancer is gone. I am so grateful to God for all he has done. I am grateful for healing, and I am even grateful for my Eaton-Lambert disease, because without it, the cancer never would have been found. Now, my cousin, Charlene, can tell you the test for Eaton-Lambert is the most painful thing I have ever done. She was with me, praying, as I am squeezing her hand and, screaming my head off. She is praying, and I am screaming. If I would have been in the military, I would have told them anything and everything they wanted to know. I would have confessed to killing Kennedy. It was crazy. But today, I am grateful for it. Eaton-lambert saved my life. So, thank you, Lord. We don't always recognize blessings when they happen. I am going to get some sleep. I am tired. Just know tonight I am grateful. So grateful. We just need to keep the faith....Becky

I am a whiner tonight!

I have found it amazing the things I have put my body thru to stay alive. Chemo just about wears me out, and causes the "chemo crazies", it makes me nauseated, and makes my gums so raw, they bleed. With the huge blood clot I have around my port, I give myself 2 shots in the stomach every morning, and 2 shots in the stomach every night. My stomach is so bruised. I start my chemo regimen again Monday, and believe me, I am not looking forward to it. Now, don't get me wrong. I am grateful for it's life saving effect, I just wish there was an easier way. I had a blood transfusion on Monday, and I have been waiting for the burst of energy I was hoping it would give me. But so far, that hasn't happened. I guess tonight, I am just a whiner. Maybe feeling sorry for myself, or just tired. Whatever this is, I just wish it would get better. There is always tomorrow, and for that, I am grateful. I am so grateful for a tomorrow. Not everyone has one. I am anxious to be done with the 2 regimens of chemo, then my PET scan to make sure all the cancer is gone. That scan will make sure the cancer didn't move anywhere else in my body. I am ready to see and hear it is all gone. I am so ready to have hair again. I am ready to not take shots, chemo, and have energy. And I am really ready to stop whining!

You would think I would be jumping for joy

You would think I would be jumping for joy. Don't get me wrong, I'm elated over the news from yesterday. But today, I am just tired. Really tired. I even had the blood transfusion yesterday, and I feel worn out. I am just ready to not be sick. I just want to feel good, not tired, sore, bald, chemo crazy, sick from chemo, no energy, out of breath, and I want my gut to quit hurting. I don't know how people do this for years. I have done it for months, and I'm already tired of it. But I am so grateful to God. I am grateful that he has removed my tumors, and given me a chance at a life. I am thankful for his healing touch, and his love for me. Especially when you consider I do not deserve anything. What an awesome God I serve, that He could love me in spite of myself, and the life I have lived. I certainly don't deserve it. I am just grateful for the miracle He has performed, and believe me, this is a miracle. I have 2 more rounds of chemo to go, and I will be glad when they are over. Then I have the PET scan, and I guess that is when I can officially jump for joy. But I'm happy now. I saw the scan from yesterday, and it was clear of all tumors. What a big blessing! So, today, I am just worn out and nauseated, and tired. Maybe after a good nights sleep, all will be well. I know all is well with my soul, now if I could just have everything well with my body. So, I will just keep on keeping on, and more importantly, keep the faith. Becky

What a weird day!

Went to dr this morning, my nurse friend, Cheryl in tow, to see dr and do my 5 hours of chemo. Afterwards, we were to go to radiology to also schedule my radiation. Cheryl knows more questions to ask and understands the answers, since I don't especially understand. My friend, Amy, took me for a scan this week since I had already had 3 rounds of chemo, and 2 more rounds to go. The dr wanted to see where my tumors were, and how large, before he sent me for radiation. Now here is where it gets weird, and awesome. Dr showed me and Cheryl the first scan. I had 16 lymph nodes in the middle of my chest full of cancer. My left lung had tumors, one spot on the right lung had cancer, and the lower part of my left lung, the lower lobe, had one cancer spot. After the scan Amy took me to, after lots of prayer from lots of people, the dr showed me and Cheryl the second scan. There is no cancer, nowhere. Spot is gone from right lung, 16 lymph nodes clear, left lung clear, so he got with radiologist, and said to cancel radiation, since there was nothing to radiate! Now, by this time, Cheryl and I are excited beyond belief. But the dr isn't. He said to him, he would have rather seen the spot on the right lung. That would have meant my cancer was limited, not extended. Apparently, a person can be cured of limited small cell, but if you get rid of extended small cell, cancer society says it will come back at some point, drs have to keep an eye on it. Ok, call me stupid, but I am excited second scan shows NO cancer. Dr wants to finish up the next 2 rounds of chemo, then do a PET scan to make sure I have no cancer, no where. The scan he did this week was from base of my neck to bottom of my pelvis, and dr said all in between was clear of cancer. This is just God. In march, I was given a death sentence. I was eat up with cancer. Today, there is nothing to go to radiation for! Praise the God I serve! Dr doesn't want me to get excited yet. But I am excited. I am grateful to God for the reprieve. So next week, 3 days of chemo, wait 3 weeks, and go for 3 more days of chemo. After that, PET scan, and I am trusting in God for all cancer to all be gone. Please don't stop praying. Please. Praise the Lord for all he has done. So today, had blood transfusion, and then home. Not a bad day after the 2 scans I saw. Becky

Good Friday 13th

What a day! So blessed to attend my daughters graduation from Texas Womens university. Not so easy if you consider she is a wife, mother of 4, and pregnant with her 5th child! So, needless to say, I am proud. Proud of her will, stamina, and determination to succeed. I sure love her. I got other good news! I had my scan yesterday and today, it shows my tumors have not just improved, but " greatly" improved. Now how awesome is that? The good news is now I am cleared for chemo and radiation. Both. I am praying for the miracle. Dr konduri told me if I had this type of chemo and radiation, I would be sicker than I've ever been. I have heard these words over and over from the dr, but I told him I would do it. Whatever it took. I am grateful for the opportunity to have treatment, no matter how hard. So, praise God for the chance for treatment. I haven't had this chance until now. The tumors were too large and wouldn't line up. But God made it happen, so me and God are in for the fight of my life. Just so you know, I, like my daughter, have the will, stamina, and determination to succeed. To win this fight. The only bad news the scan showed, is I have a blood clot at my port site. So now I take shots in my stomach to get rid of the clot. If this is the only bad news I hear, I've got it made. I am so grateful. To God, to the drs, and to my family and friends. Thank you all for praying. Keep praying. Just keep praying. I've been thru much in my life, but I have never had a battle like this. I am strong, just pray my strength will hold. Becky

Cancer support group

Well, tonight I went to my first cancer support group. To be truthful, I was not so crazy about that. I knew the first thing I would have to do is admit I had cancer to a group of people I didn't know( as if my bald head wouldn't give me away), and then probably be expected to talk about it. Now, as I've said, I am a bury my head in the sand person. If I don't talk about it, it's not real, or so I think. I feel comfortable talking about cancer with a few people, certain people. But to converse my dilemma with a room of strangers, is just a weird thought. To my surprise, tho, the group was pretty cool. I expected a room of people wringing their hands, crying about their cancer. But what I found was a group of people that are survivors. They have been battling cancer for some time, and are still here. They were given death sentences years ago, when they were told they had months to live. Years later, they are still here. Wow, I want to keep going back to learn what makes them different. Much of what I learned was their faith in God, their positive thinking, and sometimes just sheer will and determination. Some days it was putting one foot in front of the other. I think I could learn to love these people. Either way, I will go back next month. I will listen, learn, and may even share. So in spite of myself, I had a good time and was grateful to find this group. Becky

What a great day

Today has been such a great day! The weather was beautiful, Cheryl and I ran a few errands that needed to be ran, and just enjoyed ourselves. Found a place on josey that has a cancer support group. May be interesting. Think I'll call them tomorrow. Can't hurt. Today, I was able to forget just for a little while, I had cancer. Not for any particular reason except I feel good and we had other things to do. So I love days like this. Tonight I attended a bible study. It was great to haul
my bald self to a home and just study about understanding the bible in
60 days. Since they had already started, I may have to learn the bible a whole lot quicker. But I'm on it. I can do it. So today, I am inspired. Today I am loved. Today I am cared for and happy. Today I am blessed. Today I love my life. I wish things were different with my sickness, but they are not. So I accept what is and fight with everything in me to beat this thing. In the meantime, I keep on keeping on. That is all I can do, and pray. Just keep praying. For health, healing, and miracles. I believe in miracles. I believe God is still in the miracle business. so I just keep praying for one of those. I don't need a lot of miracles, just one. So I keep praying for just the one. Keep the faith, Becky