I go tomorrow for the results of the belly/pelvis scan. The problem for me, is because it is a CT scan, I'm not going to believe the results. One time I had a CT scan checking for cancer. First scan they ever did to look for it. It showed a little teen-iny bit of cancer. Because of that, they did a PET scan and it showed my chest region was eat up with cancer. So if the dr says it doesn't show any cancer, what does that mean? I have a little? Or a lot? With this cancer being so aggressive, if it shows none, and I have some, untreated I live weeks. This is the part I hate about insurance companies. They make the decisions. I was told that my dr spent an hour on the phone trying to explain why I needed a PET scan, all to no avail. So I will go in tomorrow, I will be told something, and I can tell you I won't believe it. But I will go anyway, just because I see Dr Konduri, and he has fought so hard for me. If the cancer was gone, and I could be sure it was gone, I could sure rest better. I'm just so tired. Tired of chemo, tired of drs appts, tired of not being able to walk very well, tired of mouth blisters, tired of nausea and diarrhea, and all of it with no end in sight. So today, I am asking, or maybe begging is the right word, for God to give me some kind of strength. Strength to put one foot in front of the other (and not fall down), strength to want to get up in the morning, strength to not be afraid to eat because of all the problems that causes, or maybe just strength to care again. But most important, strength to just not be afraid. I have discovered that I am terrified of what lies ahead, and a huge part of me doesn't want to face it. I would rather call it off now, but then I know that's cowardly. I'm not so sure what happened to my will to live, my drive, or my determination, but somehow it has left me. And that makes me sad. I pray it comes back. I pray I can get to a point I care again. If you pray for me, pray for this. That I will care again and will fight again. I know I'm tired. Maybe that's just it. But whatever this is, pray that these feelings go away, and my will to live returns, cuz right now, I'm just not feeling it. Thank you all for any prayers sent my way. Becky