Just pray

A couple of weeks ago, I got put in a position with a person that my answer should have been "no". But I couldn't bring myself to say no. My mouth meant to say "no" but what came out was "yes". I am just not sure how this happens. Yes just popped out of my mouth. As I began to open up to others about my yes word, it was said to me over and over, " don't you know this is going to be disastrous?". Yes. "don't you know you will be used?". Yes. " don't you know nothing is going to change" yes. "don't you know you are supposed to keep your stress levels low?" yes "don't you know this is going to raise your stress levels to a point it could kill you?". Yes. " if you know all this, every bit, why are you doing it? I somehow felt 5 cuz my answer was "I dunno". Sounds like a 5 year old, huh. "no, what are you going to do now? You have already set this in motion?". The truth was, they were right, I was codependent with no good answer, and all I could come up with on what was I going to do now? Pray. I'm just going to pray. I have a few days before my yes should have been no, so I will pray. Now, I'm going to tell you, we got within hours, HOURS, of this thing occurring, and God interviened. I was suddenly taken completely out of the picture, and the person that did the asking? Their life is better than it has been in a year. It is beyond what they can imagine or think. And the best part to me is, this family is beginning to build a relationship with the Lord. Now how cool is that? AND it had nothing to do with me. It is between them and God. Now just how quickly I forget. Today, just today, I go to the Dr. I am given the results of my scan, and the understanding Cheryl and I got from the Dr was that I had 3-4 months left to live. If I was lucky. I have to admit, sadness overtook me. I accepted what was said, and became so incredibly sad. I figured it up, and was glad I would be here for the holidays. But they would be my last. Lord, you just have to give me some kind of strength. Even a teensy bit. Just a little. I'll take any strength you throw my way. As I went in for the brain scan, I began to cry. Tears are running down my face, and I quickly figure out this was not such a good idea, because they put a mask over my face and my nose is running. Oh, great, can things get worse? I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. There must be something I can do. I've always been a problem solver but this is out of my hands. Ok, Lord, I'm slow. I know what to do. Just pray. Pray for wisdom of my Drs, pray I make the right choices, pray I live lots longer than they are predicting, pray for strength, courage, and calmness. Lots of it. And Lord, is it too much to ask you to wipe my nose? As I lay there, questions began to pop in my mind about the things we were told by the dr. I don't have a few months. My dr was comparing my 4th scan with my 3rd scan. I thought he was comparing the 4th scan with the 1st scan. Big difference in the 2 scans. From 1st scan, most of my cancer is gone. Now, with small cell cancer, I will never be cured (or so he says, I've learned to just pray). But I can live longer. I will live to show Elleigh I have her hair. I will live to laugh at Brystol. I will live to hold Piper and kiss her little face. I will live to cuddle with Riley-Grace, and I will live to get Bub to walk me across a parking lot holding my hand ( he hates that). So today, I am blessed. I am better than I was yesterday, and those who put up with me boo-hooing yesterday know who you are and how I was. I am blessed to be given another day-you are too. I am blessed that God loves me - you are too. But most of all, I know God will take me when he's ready, and not a minute before- you too. So we keep going. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's hard because of my Eaton-Lamberts disease, but I make it, and haven't fallen down. If I do, I will get back up. I will always get back up. And for that, I can praise the Lord! Good night, Becky