A little weepy, ok, maybe a lot weepy

Some days are hard, and sometimes those days run together and make for a very hard time emotionally. This is one of those times. Tho it's been 3 days since my chemo round, I just want to cry, and do cry. Talking with my sister and brother yesterday, I had to tell them in advance, if I start crying, just ignore. I am just so incredibly tired, sick, and weary. This journey has been the hardest I have ever taken. I am not used to an easy life, or a cushy life. I am actually used to a hard life, but at times, this is more than I can bear. I pray, wail, give it to God, take it back from Him, cry some more, and still, even still, just wish I could feel good. Or at least, sorta good. So far, I have had 15 chemo bags dumped into my body. It sure takes it's toll. I know by next week I will feel better. Actually, by the time I get out of church tomorrow, I will feel better. Just right now, I don't. My love of my God is still there, my faith in Him as my savior is still there. I guess I am still just having a hard time letting Jesus row the boat, with me in it, in the dark, He's not telling me where were going, just trust Him. Well, I do trust Him, but I still want Him to tell me the plan. Mainly because I still think this is all about me. It is always all about me. Only my Lord and Savior doesn't see it that way. So I guess we'll do it His way, but I don't like it. Today I don't know what is wrong with me. Just profound sadness. I need prayer for this. I need prayer for letting go of things and having peace about it. I need prayer for trying to do things myself rather than give it to God. I am just tired tonight. Probably a normal emotion or feeling for someone with cancer. Probably a normal reaction for someone with terminal cancer. But I still don't like it. I have kept my faith, and for now, that has to be enough. Becky