Be still

I am just about done with my chemo. My last days are Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The last scan the dr did, the cancer was gone. So after this round, he will do another scan and make sure it didn't move anywhere weird. The logical thing would be for me to be happy and rejoicing, but that is just not true. The truth is, I'm scared. Scared to stop chemo, praying we don't go too long in between scans, and scared to not see the dr on a regular basis. I guess this is the time I have to trust my drs to know all these answers, and lean very heavily on the Lord. After a person has had a diagnosis of terminal cancer, how do you go back to a normal life? What is my normal life now? It certainly cannot be the same. I do know I am only going back to work very part time. I want plenty of time with the kids and grandkids. I want to go down water slides with Matthew and Riley-Grace. I want to read books to Brystol. I do not want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane like Chelsea did. I want to spend some time with Kate. I want Elleigh to get to know her Nanny, and I have to be around when Piper Jolene is born. I hope to see Amara, Rae Lynn, and Cael, but they live so far away, that would be a stretch. I want to live past 60. So today, I'm trusting God. Even with my fear, and a little anxiety. Now is the time, I climb in the boat with Jesus, in the dark. I cannot see where I'm going, and don't even have a say on how to get there. Now that doesn't quite seem fair, cuz it's all about me. Ok, guess it's not. Jesus does the rowing, and my job is to trust Him and keep my mouth shut. But I want to be in control. See how conflicted I am? Maybe I'm just loosing my mind, and this is my new normal...so to my children, be afraid. Be very afraid. The thing is, every single time I've just trusted, when I managed to be still and know that He is God, things always worked out better than I could have imagined. This is one of those times. I am not sure what my life looks like now. My first order of business is to grow hair. My second is to not be afraid. Just not be afraid. So I will see where this takes me, where God takes me. I will keep on keeping on. Emily, I pray I have walked most of the way out of this valley. I have not pitched my tent there for a long time. Everyone, still keep praying. For complete healing, for peace, and just courage enough to keep trusting. I am nearly done, and do I feel blessed!