Just griping

For some reason, this has been a hard couple of weeks for me. Well, maybe for many reasons. I am feeling just incredibly sad over loss. And it's not, probably, the type of loss one would imagine. It is the loss of not being able to mow my own yard, or clean out my own garage. I can't even walk down to the mailbox, I have to drive my bald self there. One year ago, I was on a 5800 mile road trip with the Huggins family. We would stop and hike up hills, down to streams, all over the place. I felt great, never knowing something so deadly was growing inside me. Now, I get winded if I carry my clothes to the washing machine. For me, a simple chore becomes huge. I try to do things, Cheryl fusses at me (truly out of concern), I tell her I at least have to try, and we go from there. I guess I am just looking for some normalcy, nothing to do with cancer, or what I cannot do. I have always been so independent. The only things I did not do, were things I did not want to do. Now it's turned into all the things I cannot do, and that makes me sad. Very sad. So today, I'm battling the depression of chemo, cancer, and also loss. Loss of independence, loss of ability to do physical things, and probably the worst, is loss of pride. It is humiliating to ask for so much help. Maybe I am to learn to be humble, but then again, maybe not. All I know is this stinks. I just hate hate hate asking for help, and I especially hate it simply because I cannot do it myself. But I keep trying to do things, Cheryl keeps fussing at me, I keep trying anyway, and at the end of it all, I still had to ask for help. So today, I am just griping. Just cause I can. Maybe tomorrow, I will be more positive. Beckt