I feel my body beginning to shut down. I believe God is showing me this. Now, it is not a lack of faith. He has given me an extra 14 months. I just think God is preparing me and my daughters heart for this. My daughter, Mandi, has sat at my bed and while I dealing with severe brain swellins, and prayed. How difficult this must be for her. When my Mama was dying, I at least had my 2 brothers and my sister to lean on. I don't believe I will die tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but my body is still shutting down. I had planned to go to a nursing home when I got this bad, but James and Amanda won't hear of it. I am so blessed to have them. My other kids all live out of state. God has been so good to me. He has walked this journey with me and Mandi and James. I just feel so blessed. I am not afraid to die, I know that i know I will be in heaven with Jesus. I have many relatives in Heaven. I can hear my uncle Buck and Uncle Charlie telling their wild tales and I would believe every word. Until they started laughing. I am so naive. My parents are there my grandparents are there and I have about 11 grandbabies there. It will be great to rock and hold Seth, Ainsley, and Zachary..the others died before they were named. I love the Lord and all He has done. Still keep praying. I am. Today, I am not ready to go, but if God calls me home I am ready. So keep praying for me and Mandi and James. And did I mention they have 5 children? 3 under the age of 2. So pray for us all. Keep the faith. Becky

I am grateful alive today. Until this sickness, came along, I assumed I would wake up. Terminal cancer has a way of changing things. I do not take anything for granted. I am going to move in to my daughter,son in law. And their 5 kids. I hate having to rely and the grandbabies. I have tried to maintain some sort of indepence. Tho, in reality, I lost my independence a long time ago. I am in awe that James and Mandi have gone the uproar in of moving me in. They may say its no problem, but in truth is, I know first hand. I took care of mama before she passed away and AUNT Patsy, who was mean as a snake. I need more hands on to take of me. I am excited about being closer to the kids. Now, I'm excited! Keep. The. Faith. Becku

I'm a bury my head in the sand person. Not that I am content with my rearend in the air, or want to leave myself vulnerable. Its just that having my last child, I learned if i dont think I'll like the answer, I just dont ask. This is one of those times. I have always known my cancer is terminal, that I only have X amount of time. But I really try to not think about that. I've done more in the last year, than I ever would have done,had I not been sick. It has taken this year to strengthen my relationship with God. Why wasn't it strengthened before? I think because I was so used to working, striving for the bigger, better things. I put my hope in the comfort things brought. Not God. So now, we're down to it. My sister, Ruby, is a hospice nurse. She has been one for 20'years. My daughter, Amanda and I have had some questions about hospice, and what is provided in Texas. My sister lives in Kansas, so things could vary from state to state. We had our "meeting" last night, and it was hard. Emotionally. It was my death they were discussing, it was me that needed hospice, it is me, that is going to die. And I suddenly had to leave the room for a time, because I just needed to cry. Finally, I was able to come back in. I had to think with my head, not my heart. I needed to get comfortable with head thinking, not heart thinking. Once I was able to do that, I could contribute to the conversation. Ever since I had my shot Sat am, I have been so fatigued,I wasn't really stay up. Just short spurts. Yesterday, I was able to stay up for awhile. So I guess that's getting better. I go back the week of the 29th, to start another chemo. After that, we do a scan to see if the Hell I've been thru, has been worth it. My sister asked me last night what or when needs to happen, for me to stop treatment. I serve a big God. I am waiting on him to tell me. I know when He tells me, he will tell my children also. I am so grateful to be a person who follows Christ. I know when I pass from this world to the next, I will have people waiting on me. I am so grateful God sent His only Son to open the door to heaven for me, and my loved ones before me, and loved ones after me. So, today, I'm grateful. For one thing, I woke up this morning. That is never a guarantee for any of us. I'm breathing unassisted. No oxygen. And I was able to get out of bed, on my own. Without falling down. It's funny the things I always took for granted. Not any more. I appreciate them all the more. Keep praying, thank you to my daughter and sister for arranging this meeting with hospice I couldn't have done it myself. Or maybe, wouldn't have done it myself. Remember, I'm a head in the sand with rear end sticking up. Thank the Lord for the people that love me enough to take care of me, especially when I give them a hard time. Keep the faith, Becky.

Today, I am sitting in a chair having poisons put in my body. It doesn't hurt, but like any poison, it makes me sick. I hate this. I really do. What makes it worse, is I did this to myself. I smoked too many years. This is my last shot at chemo. We've arranged a meeting with hospice, and I'm working as hard as I can to get my affairs in order. But that's not fast, cause I can't do anything fast. I remember, when my sister had cancer. I had no understanding of what she was going thru, since I had never had cancer. But I do remember her saying one time, if she would have known in advance what hell cancer treatment was, she never would have done it. She is now cancer free ...for 16? Years. Ruby, I can so relate. My end result is terminal. This morning, I was so tempted to just stop everything. My poor body is worn down. I was told if stopped treatment, I would be dead in a month. Yesterday was my and my husbands wedding anniversary. Every year I'm so sad on this day, but yesterday, I told him I would be with him soon. Now on to other things, I was told a year ago march, I had 2 weeks to live. I am a fighter, God instilled this in me. Maybe that's why I was potty trained at gun point. It taught me to be a fighter. But the one thing that has helped the most is I am a Christ Follower. He has given me over a year extra. Since then, I met my new granddaughters, Elleigh and Piper, had great times with my cousins at the cousins reunion, spent time with my children and grandchildren, and even a surprise trip to Disney thanks to my kids, James and Mandi. I have grown closer to God that I ever have. I certainly don't blame Him. I did this to myself. So I will keep going as long as God lets me put one foot in front of the other. I know Gods got this covered. He has helped me thru many sleepless nights, put people in my life to do my yard work, bring meals, donate money so I can pay for treatment, clean my house and do my laundry. I love these people for all they do. Thank you, Lord for sending them. My priorities have certainly changed. Life is not all about my job, how big of a house I have, or car. I have missed too many birthdays, outings with the family because I worked a job. So today, I'm grateful. I am worn, torn, and beaten down, but I'm still in the fight. Mama always said she had the hardest time getting me to go to sleep as a baby because I was afraid I would miss something. I guess it's still that way today. I can't die yet, I may miss something. As my friend, Sandra, always says to me " just keep swimming". Sandra I'm swimming. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

Tomorrow is the day.

Tomorrow is the day I find out if I can keep fighting, or if this has grown so large, nothing can be done. What sucky choices. The chemo I've been taking is the last chemo I can take. There is nothing else. And tho it has done a great job on my lungs, it didn't touch my brain which the tumor had grown quite large. The chemo I am taking is called Topecan. It is horrid!! I can't keep food down, I have severe fatigue, and big, massive mouth blisters. Can't eat, sleep all the time, etc. I swear, I don't know how people do this without being a Christ Follower. My prayer today, is the brain scan won't show anything new, and I can go back on the topetecan. I'll put up with all the yuckiness, just to have a shot of still being here. Here is where I'm conflicted. I'm not afraid to die. I know then I will be with my Lord and my Savior. I am in so many ways looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am afraid I will miss my kids, grandkids, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. I'm not sure how all that works in Heaven. I just don't see how we can love someone so much on earth, and then not remember them in heaven. A good outcome for me would be that they see nothing on my brain....I did not say that they won't see a brain. :). And I can start back on the chemo that has worked so well. That is my prayer. If I was to pray BIG, I would pray that all the cancer would be gone. I just put myself in the hands of Jesus. He knew me while I was yet in my mama's womb. He loved me then, and He loves me now. Cancer has become painful now. I won't miss that when I'm in heaven. Since I only had 2 weeks to live 14 months ago, God has shown me such grace and mercy. I have no complaint there. My priorities have definitely changed. Material things really do not matter. My walk with Jesus is what matters. It should have always been what mattered. It took a death sentence to open my eyes. I know the Lord is right beside me. Holding me up, or just walking along beside me holding my hand. I am just letting him lead the way. Where ever he takes me, I will go. Whether it be death or life. I am just praising the Lord for where ever he leads. Keep praying. Love u guys. Becky

When my mom was sick.

When my mom was sick, she hated it that we had to take of her. We had to fix her plates, make sure she took her medicine correctly, made it to bed without falling down. We even had to help her out of her chair. She hated it. Now I'm hating it. I am close to the same place she was. Because I've had some confusion, now most everything I say is questioned. And I guess it should be. I have called my daughter 4 or more times to ask the same question, because I didn't remember the answer. But the problem with this for me, is I feel like I am becoming more of a burden, and I don't want to be a child. I want to be loved and respected as a mom and nanny. I know I get that, but I also know I have confusion, and I'm grateful to those willing to answer my questions a million times. I guess my fear is I'm slipping away, and all that will be left is a shell of the person I once was. This saddens me beyond belief. The dr will do a scan this week and decide if chemo or hospice is my best options. So today I'm just tired. I pray for relief from this. I love the Lord, and I know He's with me. I just do not want to be a burden, or dependent. I have already lost my independence, and that is a real lesson in humility. I hate humility. I hate not having control. I hate that I have to depend on others. I find it ironic this is what God has tried to teach my whole life. Trust Him, put my life in His hands. Lean on Him, and be dependent on Him. Ok, God, I get it, but it's still painful. I guess it's better to learn it now than never, but it still sucks. Keep praying