Tomorrow is the day.

Tomorrow is the day I find out if I can keep fighting, or if this has grown so large, nothing can be done. What sucky choices. The chemo I've been taking is the last chemo I can take. There is nothing else. And tho it has done a great job on my lungs, it didn't touch my brain which the tumor had grown quite large. The chemo I am taking is called Topecan. It is horrid!! I can't keep food down, I have severe fatigue, and big, massive mouth blisters. Can't eat, sleep all the time, etc. I swear, I don't know how people do this without being a Christ Follower. My prayer today, is the brain scan won't show anything new, and I can go back on the topetecan. I'll put up with all the yuckiness, just to have a shot of still being here. Here is where I'm conflicted. I'm not afraid to die. I know then I will be with my Lord and my Savior. I am in so many ways looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am afraid I will miss my kids, grandkids, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. I'm not sure how all that works in Heaven. I just don't see how we can love someone so much on earth, and then not remember them in heaven. A good outcome for me would be that they see nothing on my brain....I did not say that they won't see a brain. :). And I can start back on the chemo that has worked so well. That is my prayer. If I was to pray BIG, I would pray that all the cancer would be gone. I just put myself in the hands of Jesus. He knew me while I was yet in my mama's womb. He loved me then, and He loves me now. Cancer has become painful now. I won't miss that when I'm in heaven. Since I only had 2 weeks to live 14 months ago, God has shown me such grace and mercy. I have no complaint there. My priorities have definitely changed. Material things really do not matter. My walk with Jesus is what matters. It should have always been what mattered. It took a death sentence to open my eyes. I know the Lord is right beside me. Holding me up, or just walking along beside me holding my hand. I am just letting him lead the way. Where ever he takes me, I will go. Whether it be death or life. I am just praising the Lord for where ever he leads. Keep praying. Love u guys. Becky