Choices

I get frustrated at the choices I have made in my life. I've met some pretty awesome men in my life, yet always married the wrong ones. Yet, some pretty awesome things came from those choices, I have amazing kids and grandkids. God was able to turn those choices around for His purpose. I made the choice to smoke at 15 or 16, because back then, smoking was ok, they said it wouldnt hurt you. Good Lord, even my brother at 5 could walk in any store and buy a pack. But as time went on, they began to come out with warnings that it was harmful to your health. I tried to quit smoking, but was so hooked, I couldn't stop. Now I have deadly cancer, that cannot be seen on an x-ray. It is called oat cell cancer, and it's as if someone sprinkled oatmeal over my left lung, lymph nodes, and some on the right lung. It has moved to my brain. I have had brain radiation for this, and hopefully it is gone. But still the lungs. Some is putting pressure on my esophagus, and now it is hard to swallow. Of course, that could be because of Lambert-Eaton myastenic syndrom, that I developed because of cancer. I have smoked so much, when I developed cancer, my antibodies didn't know what to attack since my lungs were in bad shape for years. It my antibodies confusion, it attacked my hip flexers, leaving me unable to walk. I am on a clinical trial drug that helps me walk. They told me Lambert-Eaton will move to my arms then my throat, leaving me unable to swallow. So I'm not sure if it's Lambert-Eaton making it hard to swallow or the cancer pressing against my esophegus. Not that it really matters. This is the last chemo they can do. If the brain cancer is gone, and if the lung/esophegus cancer has shrunk, he will continue treatment. If they both are not gone, or shrunk considerably, he stops all treatment. This chemo I'm on is tough. I get weak and so so sick, but it's worth it to have a few more weeks with the kids and grandkids. I have put my body thru hell and back, but I have not yet heard God to tell me to quit fighting. I know my cancer is incurable, and I know it will kill me, and this has been a tough fight, but, I have fought all my life. I have worked hard, never did anything against God to make a living, tho sometimes, when I was younger, I was offered jobs I knew I could not live with myself if I did those types of jobs. So I chose to follow God, make less money, and God, as usual brought us thru. Somehow, he always did. God is awesome. The last 14 months, I've been able to slow down (no choice) and read my Bible more, pray more, and I feel closer to God than I ever had. I wish I had done this sooner. I've been a Christ follower for many years, but was too busy with life to have the relationship that I needed. I just let life get in the way. I'm sure this is the way the Devil wants it in all our lives, and I fell right in to it. I am so ashamed, but I've asked for forgiveness, and he has finally got me on the right track. It is just a shame it took this to get me there. As my days here are coming to an end, I know that I know I am going to be with my Lord and Savior. I pray all people who read this will make that decision as well. I will keep fighting, because I know that is what God wants me to do. He will tell me when to stop. In the meantime, I will wait upon the Lord, He will renew my strength, He will lift me up on wings, as eagles. Keep the faith, I am. Becky.