Brystol

I have a little granddaughter that is 2 years old. Her name is Brystol. One of the things I love about Brystol is she is always smiling. Quite unusual for a 2 year old. She just seems to find the world, and all it's creatures funny. She has a big cheesy smile, and will have you laughing at her antics in nothing flat. The only things in life she seems to need is her sippy cup and her yo gabba gabba dolls. If you don't know what those are, don't feel bad. I didn't know until last year. She is surrounded by people that love and care about her, and she knows that. She has her Bub, who she thinks hung the moon. And there is nothing he would not do for her. Then she has her big sister, Ga-Ga, who helps her with things, or takes things away she shouldn't have. She has Elleigh, her little sister, that she just knows mama and daddy brought home so she would have her own baby. But no matter what happens, she just smiles. I've learned alot from this little 2 year old. Life really isn't so complicated, if you are a Christian. Sure, I am having some health issues, ok, major health issues. My mama used to always tell me " you have the same drawers on to get glad in". So I may as well smile and go on. I am surrounded by people that love me, whether it's family, friends, church family, co workers, etc. I am loved by God, the Creator of the universe. Did you catch that? I am so special, that I am loved by the creator of the universe! How awesome is that? I am surrounded, like Brystol, with people that do those things for me, that I am now unable to do myself. Brystol has a funny sense of humor, and sees the world thru her own eyes. Not mine. Not yours. She is like her mama in that she is going to do things her own way, and she somehow knows it will all come out ok. She loves to get hugs, and loves to give hugs. Frankly, I think she is quite amazing, and when I grow up, I want to see the world thru her eyes. Tho maybe I do to some degree. I find humor in the world, and the people around me. An example is when the neurologist yesterday kept talking about 2 years, bla, bla, bla, 2 years. Finally, I asked him what he was talking about with 2 years. He said,"has no one ever told you your life expectancy?". I told him no they had not because I never asked, and frankly didn't want to know. Oops! On the way home, I kept thinking about his 2 year life expectancy. 2 years from when? When did the 2 years begin? From diagnosis? That would be march. But what if I had gone to the dr in Jan, would I just keel over dead in Jan 2013? What if I still hadn't gone to the dr yet, would my time not have started yet? What if I cross the international date line? Do I get another day, or die a day sooner? Do I wait until someone says "ready, set, go!". This 2 year thing is so confusing, I think I just won't die. I think I'll just stick it out until the rapture then we can all go together. I never liked taking trips by myself anyway. Life is funny. Brystol baby, thank you for reminding Nanny how funny life can be. And honey, like you, I will just keep smiling. Keep the faith, Becky

What a wonderful weekend. I spent it at a church camp in beautiful east Texas. My cousin, Charlene, came to help me. My problems are that my legs don't work so good. I cannot tell you how many trips she made to the room, meeting hall, or getting something in the cafeteria, just because I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. I HATED asking her for help. I wanted this to be a time of fun and relaxation for her as well, not there to take care of me. I thought about this all the way home. How she sacrificed herself for me, and for no other reason but love. I also began to realize I hate asking God, my Father and Creator for help. I always think he has more important things to do. (like world peace and seeing to it us women wear Christian panties). If you were at camp this week, you get this last statement. I know God cares about my cancer, and I can pray for that, but to ask him to give me strength to walk, seems like I'm troubling him too much. Do you ever do that? Now, as a parent, I want to be involved in all aspects of my children's lives. ( I will not interfere, but I care enough to know what is happening in their lives. Wouldn't God be that way with me? And the only difference is, I want him to interfere. I want him to take control and make me feel good again. Today I realized I am like the cowardly lion on the wizard of oz. I know I have to see the wizard, and I know when I get there, I will be welcome, but I am scared of the journey to get me there. Whether that is healing or death, either way is painful. Haven't I had enough pain in my life? Course, the deciples probably wondered the same thing before they were put to death. The camp was relaxing, shed lots of tears, laughed alot, made new friends, and spend much time with God ( and Charlene). I am anxious to go back next year. I will make my prayer to be stronger before next ladies retreat. Andrea, it was so nice to meet you and put a face to your name. I am so grateful to God, that he has let me live this long, allowed me to see my 11th grandchild, will help me thru one more testimony at family church, and I just pray he gives me all the right words to say. So tonight, as I pray, I won't just pray for healing. I will pray for peace, strength, rest, no pain, my ear to heal, and my life to be a good one. Maybe it is never too much to ask God. I only thought so, and I have been known to be wrong a time or two. Keep the faith, Becky

Great weekend

What a fun weekend. Saturday, our church was having a "love run". The money earned went to the benevolence fund. I wanted to walk it, but there way no way my dr would let me. With the progression of the Eaton-Lambert disease, it was probably a good thing. So I rode with one of the men in his handy dandy golf cart. So much fun. After the run, I went with Mandi, James, and kiddos in their busvan to eat lunch and do some shopping. I sat on the same seat as Brystol and Elleigh. Elleigh thought I was funny, and I thought Brystol was funny. It is amazing how many people and stuff can be packed in one vehicle. Got up and went to church this morning. Cheryl and I had gotten our pastor and youth pastor a couple of thank you gifts for all they have done for us. After we presented them with our gifts, pastor preached an awesome message, as always. Then after church, I signed up me and my cousin, Charlene, for a Womens retreat. I haven't been in years, and Charlene has never been. It is in her neck of the woods, so it should be fun. Just a weekend with God, each other, and 2 other people God puts us with. I am blessed. I am blessed with good friends, an awesome church, a family that loves me, and still finding ways to serve God. Most of all, I am being blessed with hair!! Now let's hope the radiation doesn't knock it back out. Becky

My Bros and Sis

For those of you that haven't known me for many years, you would have no way to know that my sister is a 16 year cancer survivor. She was the only one of us that never smoked and ended up with throat cancer. The drs at MD Anderson said she was terminal. They couldn't save her life, but they could prolong it. Well, at this point, it's been prolonged 16 years. I have had a rough week. I have been told things from drs I interpreted as terrible, and I took them at their word. I mean, come on, how many miracles does one family get? And she got it first. Based on my extreme fatigue, and just overall feeling really bad, not even energy to do my laundry, I have felt my life was getting shorter and shorter. I have stated this to my brothers last week, and to my sister this week. Well, me saying this didn't set too well with the sibs. Now it's truly how I felt because I seem to be getting worse instead of better. Fatigue levers are thru the roof, I just don't feel good. I see iy as a down hill slide. After my sister did her own rear chewing, she explained it was because it takes alot to bounce back from chemo. Alot. I had no idea it would take this long. She reminded me that after radiation, I would feel like I was dying, but I won't be. Wish they wrote a book on what to expect. But then I guess all people are different. So tonight, I am grateful for my rear chewing bros and sis. I am thankful God put them in my life so I won't give up. I am thankful they remind me what I'm fighting for, even if I do call them ugly names because they are right. I love you, Ruby, Mike, William, and Brenda. This is not a journey I am on alone, I just forget that sometimes. Thank you for being there! Becky

Just pray

A couple of weeks ago, I got put in a position with a person that my answer should have been "no". But I couldn't bring myself to say no. My mouth meant to say "no" but what came out was "yes". I am just not sure how this happens. Yes just popped out of my mouth. As I began to open up to others about my yes word, it was said to me over and over, " don't you know this is going to be disastrous?". Yes. "don't you know you will be used?". Yes. " don't you know nothing is going to change" yes. "don't you know you are supposed to keep your stress levels low?" yes "don't you know this is going to raise your stress levels to a point it could kill you?". Yes. " if you know all this, every bit, why are you doing it? I somehow felt 5 cuz my answer was "I dunno". Sounds like a 5 year old, huh. "no, what are you going to do now? You have already set this in motion?". The truth was, they were right, I was codependent with no good answer, and all I could come up with on what was I going to do now? Pray. I'm just going to pray. I have a few days before my yes should have been no, so I will pray. Now, I'm going to tell you, we got within hours, HOURS, of this thing occurring, and God interviened. I was suddenly taken completely out of the picture, and the person that did the asking? Their life is better than it has been in a year. It is beyond what they can imagine or think. And the best part to me is, this family is beginning to build a relationship with the Lord. Now how cool is that? AND it had nothing to do with me. It is between them and God. Now just how quickly I forget. Today, just today, I go to the Dr. I am given the results of my scan, and the understanding Cheryl and I got from the Dr was that I had 3-4 months left to live. If I was lucky. I have to admit, sadness overtook me. I accepted what was said, and became so incredibly sad. I figured it up, and was glad I would be here for the holidays. But they would be my last. Lord, you just have to give me some kind of strength. Even a teensy bit. Just a little. I'll take any strength you throw my way. As I went in for the brain scan, I began to cry. Tears are running down my face, and I quickly figure out this was not such a good idea, because they put a mask over my face and my nose is running. Oh, great, can things get worse? I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. There must be something I can do. I've always been a problem solver but this is out of my hands. Ok, Lord, I'm slow. I know what to do. Just pray. Pray for wisdom of my Drs, pray I make the right choices, pray I live lots longer than they are predicting, pray for strength, courage, and calmness. Lots of it. And Lord, is it too much to ask you to wipe my nose? As I lay there, questions began to pop in my mind about the things we were told by the dr. I don't have a few months. My dr was comparing my 4th scan with my 3rd scan. I thought he was comparing the 4th scan with the 1st scan. Big difference in the 2 scans. From 1st scan, most of my cancer is gone. Now, with small cell cancer, I will never be cured (or so he says, I've learned to just pray). But I can live longer. I will live to show Elleigh I have her hair. I will live to laugh at Brystol. I will live to hold Piper and kiss her little face. I will live to cuddle with Riley-Grace, and I will live to get Bub to walk me across a parking lot holding my hand ( he hates that). So today, I am blessed. I am better than I was yesterday, and those who put up with me boo-hooing yesterday know who you are and how I was. I am blessed to be given another day-you are too. I am blessed that God loves me - you are too. But most of all, I know God will take me when he's ready, and not a minute before- you too. So we keep going. One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that's hard because of my Eaton-Lamberts disease, but I make it, and haven't fallen down. If I do, I will get back up. I will always get back up. And for that, I can praise the Lord! Good night, Becky

I go tomorrow for the results of the belly/pelvis scan. The problem for me, is because it is a CT scan, I'm not going to believe the results. One time I had a CT scan checking for cancer. First scan they ever did to look for it. It showed a little teen-iny bit of cancer. Because of that, they did a PET scan and it showed my chest region was eat up with cancer. So if the dr says it doesn't show any cancer, what does that mean? I have a little? Or a lot? With this cancer being so aggressive, if it shows none, and I have some, untreated I live weeks. This is the part I hate about insurance companies. They make the decisions. I was told that my dr spent an hour on the phone trying to explain why I needed a PET scan, all to no avail. So I will go in tomorrow, I will be told something, and I can tell you I won't believe it. But I will go anyway, just because I see Dr Konduri, and he has fought so hard for me. If the cancer was gone, and I could be sure it was gone, I could sure rest better. I'm just so tired. Tired of chemo, tired of drs appts, tired of not being able to walk very well, tired of mouth blisters, tired of nausea and diarrhea, and all of it with no end in sight. So today, I am asking, or maybe begging is the right word, for God to give me some kind of strength. Strength to put one foot in front of the other (and not fall down), strength to want to get up in the morning, strength to not be afraid to eat because of all the problems that causes, or maybe just strength to care again. But most important, strength to just not be afraid. I have discovered that I am terrified of what lies ahead, and a huge part of me doesn't want to face it. I would rather call it off now, but then I know that's cowardly. I'm not so sure what happened to my will to live, my drive, or my determination, but somehow it has left me. And that makes me sad. I pray it comes back. I pray I can get to a point I care again. If you pray for me, pray for this. That I will care again and will fight again. I know I'm tired. Maybe that's just it. But whatever this is, pray that these feelings go away, and my will to live returns, cuz right now, I'm just not feeling it. Thank you all for any prayers sent my way. Becky

What a weekend

I go tomorrow for my scans. These are the scans that tell me whether the cancer is still here, in which case I start chemo all over again. If it's gone, I get ready for the 10 brain radiations. Either way kind of sucks. I don't like either of the choices. This alone is a lot of stress. And some silly Dr told me to keep my life as stress free as possible. Oh pa-lease! Now we add to this that I have family members that I love nipping at each other. This one is not allowed over here, the other ones are not allowed over there, I am not allowed to get family members around the wrong ones or I'm in trouble. Good Lord. I am at a loss for words. Honestly, due to the turmoil, I have about decided to just take the easier road ( I am doing the less stressful thing) and I have pretty much decided not to have the brain radiation. Just let whatever happens, happens. I was actually told this week, that because of something that happened 10 years ago, one family member has decided not to see the other again. 10 freaking years ago! But the thought of not seeing this person didn't dawn on him, until he had been done that way by another family member. So if the truth be told, I may not do chemo either. I will decide that when the time comes. Some things in life, I just do not understand. Some things are just hard for me to grasp. I understand boundary setting, but unforgiveness is something I have a hard time with. After the 10 years of unforgiveness, I am at a loss. These decisions are mine. Chemo causes me to be exhausting, nauseating, cause mouth blisters, give me diarrhea,depression, chemo brain, and all for what? Not so sure any more. So I guess tomorrow is a day to find out how much longer I have. Now off that subject, I went to Tulsa to try to help my brothers move Mike into his new-to-him house. It is so cool, and so perfect for him. He is 5 blocks from town, but it feels like he lives in the country. He even has a real chicken house, and plans to get chickens. He has pecan trees everywhere, so I told him I wanted a big box of pecans for Christmas. his house has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths. A big workshop out back, and since both of my brothers are good at woodworking, this will become the official shop. I am excited for both of them, (and my sweet sister-in-law gets her garage back). So it has been a great, but tiring weekend. Glad to be home. Think I will shower and go to bed. Pray for tomorrow. I'm good either way. Maybe I'm just tired of fighting. God will sort it out becky