I have discovered I'm tired, and probably a little whiney. I am tired of a lot of things. I am mainly tired of being sick. I am tired of doctors, but grateful they have worked hard at keeping me alive. I am tired of so many of the responsibilities Cheryl and I should be sharing, she is doing most herself. Yet I am grateful she is there. I am tired to the toll this disease has taken on my body. I am tired of shots every morning and night(they sting), and I know my port will clog back up if I don't do it. I am grateful I have 1 more round of chemo (3 days), but dread the 10 brain radiations they are going to do to my brain after chemo. What is that going to do me? I am tired of such an uncertain future,but grateful for an awesome God. I know faith isn't knowing everything will be ok, it is being ok with whatever happens. And I am ok with whatever happens. I love the Lord. I love that he loves me. I am grateful for the people God has put in my life that have been such a tremendous help to me. I am so thankful He saw my face the day He hung between heaven and earth, and then died...for me. Since I seem to feel so tired and heavy laden, I know where to go. Sickness is a burden. A big burden on my physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial being. Sometimes I don't juggle them all well, and drop one that I'm juggling. Then I cry. And cry again. But now, I'm not crying. I am just tired and grateful, all at one time. Geez, sometimes I feel so conflicted. :). So for now, I will just keep the faith. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will keep fighting the good fight, and pray for strengh. Keep praying, Becky

The passing of Tom

Another dear friend passed away from cancer the other day. I have known Tom for 6 1/2 years. I love Tom and he will truly be missed. His viewing was today, and I couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until it was me there. It was me in that casket, and the thought made me incredibly sad. Sad it was Tom, and sad for myself. Tom wanted to live like I do. He wanted to work with his Home Depot family as I do. He has a family that loves him, as i do. And friends that love him, as i do. He had plans and dreams for a future, as I do, and neither of us had any amount of guarantee for tomorrow without pain involved. I know none of us have any guarantee of a future, but when you have cancer, it kinda moves it to the front of the line. Before my diagnoses, tho i knew as everyone we could die in the blink of an eye..car wreck, heart attack, accident, but I didn't think about it so much. Having cancer, moves everything to the front of the line. I will so miss Tom. I will miss his smile, his wisdom, that gleam in his eye, his helpfulness, or just a kind word and a smile. Tom was just one of those guys that you have to wonder how the world is going to make it without him. And then he's one of those guys that was such a good man, you have to scratch your head and wonder "why him"? So today im sad. Sad we've lost another to cancer, sad to have lost a dear friend, sad that the world will never be the same, but most of all, sad my dear friend has passed away. I will truly miss him. I love you, Tom. Becky

Still reading "Crazy Love"

Today, during my last chemo for the month, I was reading the book Crazy Love. I downloaded it on my iPad sometime back, and haven't finished. Here is what I read this morning, and it seemed so fitting for my day. Jesus said, "in this word you will have trouble" John 16:33. Life isn't perfect when you follow Christ wholeheartedly, you will have trouble, Jesus says. It is pretty much guaranteed. BUT He has overcome the world. So take heart, keep on, fight the good fight, pray continuously, and do not grow weary. There is nothing better than giving up everything and stepping into a passionate love relationship with God, the God of the universe who made the galaxies, leaves, laughter, and me and you. How fitting for me to read today. In the last several months, I have had 4 close friends die of cancer. So for me, especially while I'm sitting in this chemo chair, I need to remember this. I will take heart, keep on, fight the good fight, pray continuously, and do my best not to grow weary. I hate this cancer, but I love the Lord. Seeing all these dear people, so close to me die, honestly frightens me a bit. And even at times, makes me want to quit fighting. But then there are days like today that is my daughters birthday, or I will see Brystol get that little ornery gleem in her eyes, or Riley-Grace wants to cuddle, and Matthew would rather have the fleas of a thousand camels nest in his armpits, rather than cuddle, but he does it anyway, just for a minute. My life with Cheryl is a good one. We laugh, go places, enjoy church together, or just sitting in our recliner with our feet up. So Lord, today, just help me not feel so weary. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time. Becky

I'm home

I am so blessed. I just got back from a few days out of town. Went to Corpus Christi to visit my favorite uncle, Freddie, and his honey. I had days to not think about chemo, radiation, blood draws, neurologists, eaton-lambert syndrome. So I am blessed. I feel God watched over us going and coming. No car problems. I didn't post results of last scan because I had conflicting reports. According to what the nurse told me, it wasn't so good. This news upset me so much, she had the dr call. He wasn't sure what I was upset about because he thought things were excellent, and on track. I see the dr tomorrow, and God knows the outcome. I will trust Him. It's just hard when you know your cancer is ultimately terminal, the question is how long I can hang on, or how long God will give me here. So all I can do is trust God. So I am blessed. I visited Freddie and Nancy, went and saw their beautiful bed and breakfast they are building. The 16th was Cheryls birthday, and my friend, Kathys birthday. I have been friends with Kathy since we were in Jr High. We went to kings Inn at Baffin Bay, and ate a wonderful supper with birthday cake, thanks to kathys sister, laura, and her hubby. On the way back, I made Cheryl stop at every house, looking for someone home, so I could ask permission to take some cotton from their fields. This being Texas a person could get shot stealing a mans cotton. I finally found someone home, after about 7 or 8 houses, and I was able to pick some. Now I got it because I don't think my grandkids have seen cotton in the bole, and the plant stalk. If they have, the least they can do is pretend they have never seen it. So I'm so glad to be home, in my own bed. I so loved my trip but I begin my 3 days of chemo again tomorrow. Ugh. God will go with me. He will direct my path, and will give me strength to put one foot in front of the other. I love the Lord, and besides, I didn't steal the cotton, I asked permission :) keep praying for me. Thank everyone for all the prayers so far. Just keep the faith. Becky

A short trip to Corpus Christi

Cheryl and I have had a great time on our short trip. It was nice to get away from chemo, blood draws, drs appts, it just never ends. So the last few days, I have been in Corpus visiting my uncle Freddie, and Nancy. Tho I still brought my cancer with me, and my bald head, it has been great visiting people I love. Today, Cheryl and I met up with my friend, Kathy Weimer Brown. Today was hers and cheryls birthday so a group Of us went to kings inn for an awesome supper. On the way home, I snagged some cotton out of the many cotton fields. I don't know if my grandchildren have ever seen cotton grow. In the morning, we will make a trip back out to freddies to tell him and Nancy goodbye, then back on the road headed home. My life begins again Monday. Chemo Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And a million drs appts. So this has been great to step out of my world, if only for a minute. Cancer is a hard journey, and the break from it has been nice. I am so thankful for our safe trip, and the fun we've had. I should be home by tomorrow night. Keep the faith, Becky

Be thankful in all things?

In Ephrsians 5:20, it reads" Always give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ". Always? Are you serious? Now, some things are easy. I can easily give thanks for my home, my friends. For Cheryl, who is more than a friend and has become my caregiver.I can give thanks that my poor old car is paid off. I can easily thank God for my children ( or at least most of them) and all of my 10 grandchildren. I can thank God for grandbaby number 11 on her way. So these things are easy to be grateful for. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it reads" No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus". Always? No matter what happens? Well, my life has been hard lately and I am supposed to be thankful no matter what happens? God, what is up with that? I am to be thankful, I have terminal lung cancer, don't work my job anymore, with eaton-lambert syndrome, I do well to stay on my feet and not fall over like a weeble. I am to be thankful my money is cut in half? I am to be thankful I have to humiliate, or humble myself to always ask for help for things I could do before. So the word today is thankful...in all things. Now God, that is a tall order. But I will have a shot at it. I am thankful that even tho I dont work my job anymore, I have disability. I still get to go to Home Depot and see my friends, my disease may be terminal, but there was a time I only had a couple of weeks to live, and I'm still here. I am thankful to have friends to come and help me when I need it, thank you everyone. I am thankful for the help of my daughter and son in law, and to the grandkids who make me laugh. I am thankful to Cheryl for explaining things the drs say to me, because I am too intimidated to ask. I am thankful to Baylor Cancer Treatment center and their whole staff of experienced drs, who's only job is to save my life. So maybe thankfulness is all in attitude. Maybe it is just how I need to look at things. So while I'm at it, I am thankful for Christs love, that he died to the cross in my place. I am thankful to have a relationship with Him, and I am thankful when I die, I will go to heaven and be with Him. And my husband, and mama, and grandmama, and grandpa, brother, grandchildren. I will just be busy visiting when I get to heaven. So, ok, God, when I first read this, I thought you were making some kind of weird joke, but I can see it now. I am thankful, for everything that has been thrown my way. You and I can do it. You are an amazing God and I will forever worship you, in everything. Keep the faith, Becky

Our trip

I am leaving for a short trip away next week. I am loaded with drs appts Monday and Tuesday, then leave whenever the spirit moves Cheryl. I want to leave at 4am, Cheryl wants to leave at 10 am. Since she's driving, guess we better do 10. I am so ready for some time away. We are going to corpus to see uncle Freddie, and take Cheryl to padre island. Then on her birthday, we will go to Baffin bay and eat at Kings Inn with some school friends of mine. My life has sure changed in the last 4 months. It has just been turned upside down, and I don't know how to right it. In our lives, we are taught to do the right things, or at least how to make things right. I don't know how to change this back. I sure would if I could. Cancer is such a tiring disease. My fatigue level is thru the roof, and I just dont feel all that good. I just go from one dr to the next, and if I want to live, they are all necessary. I am grateful God sent me to the drs he did. I know having confidence in your drs is important. I am grateful God loves me. I was reading in 1 Peter 5:6 this morning. " so humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.". I love the mighty power of God, mighty power. Pretty cool, huh. He also cares about what happens to me? Now that is amazing! With all God has to deal with, it is amazing He cares about what happens to me. So, yep, I will keep serving my mighty God. I will keep praying, reading my Bible, studying, and going to church. So y'all keep praying for my health, safety on our trip, and maybe I can blast Cheryl out of bed so we can leave by 4. That one would take a direct word from God, cuz she's done said she ain't getting up sooner. Keep the faith. Beckt

I am grateful

I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer. I think I asked the question, would the day ever come, I wouldn't think about constantly. I was told it would, and I am happy to say, that day has arrived. Oh, I am still conversing with drs about my many appts, and trying to get them scheduled. But I can go to a movie and watch it, or watch a tv show and concentrate on what is going on on the show. I can read books or my Bible, and remember what I read. So this is awesome. I feel like I'm living my life again. Somewhere along the way, I felt I had already lost my life, it feels good to have it back. Riley-Grace came over to spend a couple of nights with me. Tho we haven't done much, I love having my granddaughter here. I just enjoy spending time with her. I will meet her mama at the water park to return her tomorrow. So today, I'm grateful. I am grateful that at least for now, my life is getting some normalcy to it. I am grateful I am taking a little trip next week, just to get away for a few days. I am grateful for my drs and all they do. I am grateful to God for his healing power. I am grateful for my church and my home depot friends for all they do. I am just blessed. Becky

Crazy love

I downloaded off of Kindle, and am now reading the book, Crazy Love. All I can say so far is ouch, ouch, ouch! The truth sure hurts. Many of you have heard me say, that my attitude can be "that it's all about me". This book makes it plain that nothing is about me, it is all about God. He loves me more than I can ever fathom, but it's not all about me. Its not about my will, but Gods will, and I still have to be willing to give that up, even when I fear our wills won't be the same. Ow, what a hard thing to do. It is especially hard when I am facing such an uncertain future. I want to live to be old, to be at grandchildrens weddings, to go back to work part time. But what if that is not Gods will. Am I willing to give up my own will for Gods? Hhmmmm.... Hard. But it shouldn't be hard. If I call myself a Christian, and I do, the answer should be easy. Maybe I feel a little like Jonah, running from God. Not for what he's asked me to do, but for what he MIGHT ask me to do. Ok, that is stupid, I admit. So my prayer tonight is that God will help me with this. Being willing to do His will, instead of mine, and to do it joyfully. To be willing to serve the Lord with gladness, in everything I do, whether pleasant or unpleasant. I guess that means during chemo, I should be grateful it is saving my life, instead if focusing on how sick it makes me. So, I'm learning. I am learning I have a ways to go in the Christianity dept. And I am also reminded that growth is sometimes painful. Keep the faith, becky

Hope and the ants

Several years ago, quite a few In fact, I drove my mother to Tribune, Kansas to visit my sister. Since she is the wise one and didn't smoke, I stepped outside to have a cigarette or two. I remember it was a nice day. My brother-in-law, who is a awesome pastor of his church, and is also a miracle yard dude, had this beautifll, lush back yard. It was always a pleasure to sit on his lawn. So there I am, sitting in the grass, smoking, when I notice this long ant trail. Lots of ants, walking the same path, up and back. They did not waiver or get off their trail. They were just doing their little nt thing. Whatever their purpose, they were deturmined. I hunted around, and found a little stick. I placed this stick right in the path of the ant trail. Well, this confused them. Some began to wander aimlessly in circles, some wandered WAY off, and some turned around and went bank the way they came. To the ants, this was a huge obstacle. It messed up their life, they couldn't see a way out of it, but in truth, it was just a little bitty stick. All I had to do was pick up the stick. I sometimes think our problems are like that. We go about our lives, or at least I did. I worked at a job I loved, with people I adored, lived with my best friend, and life was good. Just following my little ant trail. Never really stopping to think about how truly blessed I was. Just living my life, following my ant trail to and fro. Then one day, this big o stick got placed in my path. I did what the ants did, first I wandered aimlessly, then off the path, then finally headed back the way I had come. The truth was, to me, it was just a little bitty stick. Once I flicked it away, the ants were good. Lord, help me remember, to you, this illness is a little bitty stick. I see it as huge. Like the ants, I can't see over it, I see no way around it, and certainly can't get under it. So Lord, if I can just remember to you, this is a little bitty stick. You could flick it away. But in the meantime, Lord, help me to not run aimlessly about, help me to stay on the path, but the most important, just help me stay close to you and just wait. Help me to remember to be still, and know that you are God. Becky

Just griping

For some reason, this has been a hard couple of weeks for me. Well, maybe for many reasons. I am feeling just incredibly sad over loss. And it's not, probably, the type of loss one would imagine. It is the loss of not being able to mow my own yard, or clean out my own garage. I can't even walk down to the mailbox, I have to drive my bald self there. One year ago, I was on a 5800 mile road trip with the Huggins family. We would stop and hike up hills, down to streams, all over the place. I felt great, never knowing something so deadly was growing inside me. Now, I get winded if I carry my clothes to the washing machine. For me, a simple chore becomes huge. I try to do things, Cheryl fusses at me (truly out of concern), I tell her I at least have to try, and we go from there. I guess I am just looking for some normalcy, nothing to do with cancer, or what I cannot do. I have always been so independent. The only things I did not do, were things I did not want to do. Now it's turned into all the things I cannot do, and that makes me sad. Very sad. So today, I'm battling the depression of chemo, cancer, and also loss. Loss of independence, loss of ability to do physical things, and probably the worst, is loss of pride. It is humiliating to ask for so much help. Maybe I am to learn to be humble, but then again, maybe not. All I know is this stinks. I just hate hate hate asking for help, and I especially hate it simply because I cannot do it myself. But I keep trying to do things, Cheryl keeps fussing at me, I keep trying anyway, and at the end of it all, I still had to ask for help. So today, I am just griping. Just cause I can. Maybe tomorrow, I will be more positive. Beckt