I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but the truth is, I have been too tired. Too tired to blog, too tired to collect my thoughts, too tired to go much of anywhere. I am beginning to realize how weak I am and how strong God really is. I always thought of myself as a strong person, but no more, and that is depressing. I moved in with my daughter and son in law a few weeks ago. I have done it kicking and screaming. Just ask the kids, they will tell you. I haven't always been nice. This move has been hard, but the hardest part has been giving up my independence. Not like I've had my own independence for awhile. I was dependent on Cheryl and she rose to the occasion. I could not ask for a better friend. So today, I am living with the kids, and realizing how dependent I really am. I feel my life coming to a close. My legs don't work, so I use a walker. Taking a bath is hard, getting comfortable enough to sleep is hard, even eating is hard. Lambert-Eaton has caused my left hand to shake so bad, I don't dare use it. The neurologist said from my legs,the disease will effect my arms then my throat. I won't be able to swallow. I don't know when that will happen. What I do know is that my faith is not shaken. I love the Lord and I will go where He sends me, even if I do it on 2 wobbly legs with a walker. Today, I am grateful to be alive. I am happy to feel the sun on my face and grateful to smell tacos cooking. :) I am thankful to feel anything. It means I'm still alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to die. I know who my redeemer is. I just pray when the day comes I stand before the Lord, He says "well done, my good and faithful servant". That is my prayer. Also, pray for my daughter and son in law. If I were them, I wouldn't put up with me. Keep the faith and keep praying. Becky

Update

I just don't know why I doubt God. He has proven Himself faithful over and over. A little over a month ago, the Doctor said 2 things had to happen before he would continue treatment. First, my brain cancer had to be gone. I got results, and it is completely gone. The next thing was my lungs and lymph nodes had to have shrunk. If both of these things didn't happen, all treatment would stop, and I would go on hospice. Went in this morning for my scan. By the time I saw Dr Konduri, he couldn't believe the report. He called the fellow that read the scan to make sure it was accurate. I told my friend, Debra, that my scan probably shows I'm dead, I just need to lay down. Finally, dr got off the phone to tell me most of my cancer is gone. What is left, has greatly shrunk. What an amazing Mighty Physician I serve. God is SO amazing. I can never understand why God loves me like He does. I am grateful beyond words. I never expected this good of a report. Now I know why doubting Thomas was called doubting. Just call me Doubting Becky. I am so excited, I am nearly at a loss for words, notice I said nearly. Today, I am grateful. Tired, but grateful. Chemo drains me, but I am grateful for the stuff. It has saved my life so far. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

I keep reminding God, that if He would let me live a little longer, I would spend my days sharing Christ. Some days are hard just getting out of bed. But everytime I wake up, I praise him for another day to share what he has done for me. Tomorrow night, I will be giving my testimony in Lewisville. If I could just reach one person, at least one, I will have more company in heaven. I have lived a good life. It wasn't always good, but I always remained standing, thanks to God. At 56, I will tell you I have lived a lifetime. It hasn't always been easy, but God was with me every step of the way. I leaned on him, more times that I can count. He's always been faithful, even when I was not faithful to him. I am amazed at the grace and mercy God has always shown me. I have never been as forgiving and gracious as the God I serve. I still praise God even with this cancer. He didn't give me cancer, my smoking did it. But God has got me thru everything I been thru. I had an old friend from Tulsa come to visit this weekend. I love the whole family. Many years ago, I met their mom in college and we immediately became friends. I had 2 kids at home, and they have 4. Being a single parent, it was hard to feed us all at times. Malinda and Fred were in about the same financially. We would call each to see what the other one was fixin to serve for supper I would tell them I had these vegetables. No meat. Malinda had meat but no vegetables. So we would get together, pool our foods, and what came out out was more food than we could eat. Kinda like Jesus feeding the masses. Our food just kept coming. I have been so blessed to know this family, and I have loved them for 30 or so years. I am so blessed to have so many praying for me, and trusting Godto hear our cries. I would challenge each of you to to keep praying and keep the faith. At this point, faith is the main reason I'm alive. Love you all, Becky

I'm a southern woman

I was born in Corpus Christi, Tx, and raised between Corpus and Mexico. I am definitely a southern woman. I understand English, but in reality, I speak and understand Southern English. For those that do not understand the difference, we double the silibles in every word we speak. We can draw a word out until you think there is no end to it. I honestly have a hard time understanding words northerners say. They speak too fast for my southern ear. We also have our own words. For instance, if someone says come over for dinner, I will be there at noon. If they wanted me for the night meal, they should have clarified and said supper. Once, years ago, I lived in Maryland. I worked in a store, and as I was taught in the south, I greeted everyone that came in the door. I got scowls back. No words. One day, a man came in and asked me for singles. Singles? I had no single people for sell. He could see I was puzzled. As if I was deaf and slow, he loudly repeated, "CAN YOU GIVE Me 5 $1.00 BILLS?". Oh, why didnt he say that in the first place? Then I had a man come in, I rang him up, and he asked me for a poke. A poke? A poke? Finally, I asked, "Sir, where you you like me to poke you?". Now he's puzzled. He points to my bags on the counter, and says, this, only bigger. What didn't he just ask for a bag in the first place. However, a month or so later, I asked a gentleman if he wanted a bag. He said, "a bag? No I have one of those sitting on the front seat of my car.". I looked out and saw his wife, at that point, I really wanted to give him my kind of poke. Then I asked a customer if he had gas. His says, yeah, but I let it out soft and quiet. Can you smell it? Oh Lord have mercy. I didn't do too well living up north. I was telling my dear northern friend we also have an expression. It is Bless their heart. When we are sitting around talking, we can trash anyone, and if we follow it with bless her heart, then we are ok. We can gossip, bad mouth, what ever, and even tho that is unacceptable, as long as you follow it with "bless her heart", you are ok. Wow, have you seen how fat she has gotten? I'll bet her rear is 2 axe handles and a snuff box wide.....bless her heart. Or "did you know he gambles away all his money and is mean to his wife and kids...bless their heart.". And for gosh sakes, if you are visiting any northern state, do not say, over yonder, y'all, or tump it over. People look at you like you are from another planet. And please don't say "jeet", which is Texan for " did you eat.". I love the south. I love beans and potatoes, cornbread, biscuits and sausage gravy, peach cobbler, and sweet tea. I love black eyed peas, and steamed cabbage, watermelon, and homemade ice cream. Now, Texas gets so hot in the summer, you can hear your brain sizzling in your head when you go outside, but at least here, people understand my southern tongue. Today, I am blessed. I woke up today, feel pretty good, and a great day for praising God. I am also thankful he let me be a southern woman, where I understand the language, and love the morals instilled in us to make us proper southern women. Women of God. Women of integrity, where our word counts for something, we are only as good as our word. We are taught to love God, our country and those that served for our freedom, and most of us own guns. I will quit rambling. My uncle Ray always told me that when I die, they were gonna have to beat my tongue to death. I'll bet that will be true. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

The poet, Anne Sexton, once wrote, "It doesn't matter who my father was, what matters is who I remember he was.". For those who have heard my testimony, know I repeat these words. My Dad raised us in the same little town he was raised iin. He and my Mom, both owned their own businesses, they were well respected in the community, and everyone knew them. When we would get out of line, my parents were called before we got home. What people didn't know was behind closed doors, alone with my dad, he was just a mean drunk that loved only himself. Us kids were a burden. He never once told me he loved me. I think about Anne Sextons words alot. I guess it doesn't matter who I am, it will be how you remember I am. I have made so many mistakes in my life, especially with my children. I had all 4 by the time I was 21. Can you imagine my immaturity and stupidness?? And here I was trying to raise kids when I was just a baby myself. The main thing I'm grateful for is it appears they have forgiven me. And much sooner than I forgave my Dad. My children are incredible adults, and I take no credit for it. God did it, in spite of me. My youngest daughter lead me to Christ when she was 16. That is a miracle because I blamed God for everything wrong in my life. Today, I take full blame for my cancer. I made the decision to smoke, not God. So as I think about Anne Sextons words, I think about everyone that knows me. At 56, I am blessed with many people that love and care about me. But I don't think you would have felt the same when I was 26. I have always had a big heart, and tried to help people, but I have had my kids hurt in the process. I have often wondered what I could have possibly been thinking, because, today, I would like to think I would do different. But I cannot even honestly say that. For the last few months, we have tried to help a family. The adult did some things that were wrong. I didn't judge that, but what I did get hurt at was that I was lied to, and even got the cohort to lie to me. Finally, the cohort felt guilty, and told me the truth. The adult staying here, still continues to lie. I asked her to leave my home. I was/am so hurt that I was lied to. So have I really changed? I'm not sure. It has given me much to think about. I think I would still fall for nonsense. I can hope I would be remembered for someone who tried to help others, but I could also be remembered as a smuck. As my life is coming to a close, I pray I will be remembered as a person who loves others, tried to share my faith and my Savior. But most important, I pray God will see it that way. I was only given one life. I sure messed it up on occasion, ok, maybe alot. But the last many years, I have prayed people would see Christ in me. I knew I would be offended if someone had to ask if I was a Christ Follower. They should be able to see it in my life. So today, I'm grateful. Grateful God gave me another day. Grateful for friends, my workers, my family, and just love from others. God is amazing!! I serve a God that loves me, and cares about me. Even every minute aspect of my life. What love. I am still in awe of the God I serve. Keep praying, and keep the faith. I am. Becky

Choices

I get frustrated at the choices I have made in my life. I've met some pretty awesome men in my life, yet always married the wrong ones. Yet, some pretty awesome things came from those choices, I have amazing kids and grandkids. God was able to turn those choices around for His purpose. I made the choice to smoke at 15 or 16, because back then, smoking was ok, they said it wouldnt hurt you. Good Lord, even my brother at 5 could walk in any store and buy a pack. But as time went on, they began to come out with warnings that it was harmful to your health. I tried to quit smoking, but was so hooked, I couldn't stop. Now I have deadly cancer, that cannot be seen on an x-ray. It is called oat cell cancer, and it's as if someone sprinkled oatmeal over my left lung, lymph nodes, and some on the right lung. It has moved to my brain. I have had brain radiation for this, and hopefully it is gone. But still the lungs. Some is putting pressure on my esophagus, and now it is hard to swallow. Of course, that could be because of Lambert-Eaton myastenic syndrom, that I developed because of cancer. I have smoked so much, when I developed cancer, my antibodies didn't know what to attack since my lungs were in bad shape for years. It my antibodies confusion, it attacked my hip flexers, leaving me unable to walk. I am on a clinical trial drug that helps me walk. They told me Lambert-Eaton will move to my arms then my throat, leaving me unable to swallow. So I'm not sure if it's Lambert-Eaton making it hard to swallow or the cancer pressing against my esophegus. Not that it really matters. This is the last chemo they can do. If the brain cancer is gone, and if the lung/esophegus cancer has shrunk, he will continue treatment. If they both are not gone, or shrunk considerably, he stops all treatment. This chemo I'm on is tough. I get weak and so so sick, but it's worth it to have a few more weeks with the kids and grandkids. I have put my body thru hell and back, but I have not yet heard God to tell me to quit fighting. I know my cancer is incurable, and I know it will kill me, and this has been a tough fight, but, I have fought all my life. I have worked hard, never did anything against God to make a living, tho sometimes, when I was younger, I was offered jobs I knew I could not live with myself if I did those types of jobs. So I chose to follow God, make less money, and God, as usual brought us thru. Somehow, he always did. God is awesome. The last 14 months, I've been able to slow down (no choice) and read my Bible more, pray more, and I feel closer to God than I ever had. I wish I had done this sooner. I've been a Christ follower for many years, but was too busy with life to have the relationship that I needed. I just let life get in the way. I'm sure this is the way the Devil wants it in all our lives, and I fell right in to it. I am so ashamed, but I've asked for forgiveness, and he has finally got me on the right track. It is just a shame it took this to get me there. As my days here are coming to an end, I know that I know I am going to be with my Lord and Savior. I pray all people who read this will make that decision as well. I will keep fighting, because I know that is what God wants me to do. He will tell me when to stop. In the meantime, I will wait upon the Lord, He will renew my strength, He will lift me up on wings, as eagles. Keep the faith, I am. Becky.

I feel my body beginning to shut down. I believe God is showing me this. Now, it is not a lack of faith. He has given me an extra 14 months. I just think God is preparing me and my daughters heart for this. My daughter, Mandi, has sat at my bed and while I dealing with severe brain swellins, and prayed. How difficult this must be for her. When my Mama was dying, I at least had my 2 brothers and my sister to lean on. I don't believe I will die tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but my body is still shutting down. I had planned to go to a nursing home when I got this bad, but James and Amanda won't hear of it. I am so blessed to have them. My other kids all live out of state. God has been so good to me. He has walked this journey with me and Mandi and James. I just feel so blessed. I am not afraid to die, I know that i know I will be in heaven with Jesus. I have many relatives in Heaven. I can hear my uncle Buck and Uncle Charlie telling their wild tales and I would believe every word. Until they started laughing. I am so naive. My parents are there my grandparents are there and I have about 11 grandbabies there. It will be great to rock and hold Seth, Ainsley, and Zachary..the others died before they were named. I love the Lord and all He has done. Still keep praying. I am. Today, I am not ready to go, but if God calls me home I am ready. So keep praying for me and Mandi and James. And did I mention they have 5 children? 3 under the age of 2. So pray for us all. Keep the faith. Becky

I am grateful alive today. Until this sickness, came along, I assumed I would wake up. Terminal cancer has a way of changing things. I do not take anything for granted. I am going to move in to my daughter,son in law. And their 5 kids. I hate having to rely and the grandbabies. I have tried to maintain some sort of indepence. Tho, in reality, I lost my independence a long time ago. I am in awe that James and Mandi have gone the uproar in of moving me in. They may say its no problem, but in truth is, I know first hand. I took care of mama before she passed away and AUNT Patsy, who was mean as a snake. I need more hands on to take of me. I am excited about being closer to the kids. Now, I'm excited! Keep. The. Faith. Becku

I'm a bury my head in the sand person. Not that I am content with my rearend in the air, or want to leave myself vulnerable. Its just that having my last child, I learned if i dont think I'll like the answer, I just dont ask. This is one of those times. I have always known my cancer is terminal, that I only have X amount of time. But I really try to not think about that. I've done more in the last year, than I ever would have done,had I not been sick. It has taken this year to strengthen my relationship with God. Why wasn't it strengthened before? I think because I was so used to working, striving for the bigger, better things. I put my hope in the comfort things brought. Not God. So now, we're down to it. My sister, Ruby, is a hospice nurse. She has been one for 20'years. My daughter, Amanda and I have had some questions about hospice, and what is provided in Texas. My sister lives in Kansas, so things could vary from state to state. We had our "meeting" last night, and it was hard. Emotionally. It was my death they were discussing, it was me that needed hospice, it is me, that is going to die. And I suddenly had to leave the room for a time, because I just needed to cry. Finally, I was able to come back in. I had to think with my head, not my heart. I needed to get comfortable with head thinking, not heart thinking. Once I was able to do that, I could contribute to the conversation. Ever since I had my shot Sat am, I have been so fatigued,I wasn't really stay up. Just short spurts. Yesterday, I was able to stay up for awhile. So I guess that's getting better. I go back the week of the 29th, to start another chemo. After that, we do a scan to see if the Hell I've been thru, has been worth it. My sister asked me last night what or when needs to happen, for me to stop treatment. I serve a big God. I am waiting on him to tell me. I know when He tells me, he will tell my children also. I am so grateful to be a person who follows Christ. I know when I pass from this world to the next, I will have people waiting on me. I am so grateful God sent His only Son to open the door to heaven for me, and my loved ones before me, and loved ones after me. So, today, I'm grateful. For one thing, I woke up this morning. That is never a guarantee for any of us. I'm breathing unassisted. No oxygen. And I was able to get out of bed, on my own. Without falling down. It's funny the things I always took for granted. Not any more. I appreciate them all the more. Keep praying, thank you to my daughter and sister for arranging this meeting with hospice I couldn't have done it myself. Or maybe, wouldn't have done it myself. Remember, I'm a head in the sand with rear end sticking up. Thank the Lord for the people that love me enough to take care of me, especially when I give them a hard time. Keep the faith, Becky.

Today, I am sitting in a chair having poisons put in my body. It doesn't hurt, but like any poison, it makes me sick. I hate this. I really do. What makes it worse, is I did this to myself. I smoked too many years. This is my last shot at chemo. We've arranged a meeting with hospice, and I'm working as hard as I can to get my affairs in order. But that's not fast, cause I can't do anything fast. I remember, when my sister had cancer. I had no understanding of what she was going thru, since I had never had cancer. But I do remember her saying one time, if she would have known in advance what hell cancer treatment was, she never would have done it. She is now cancer free ...for 16? Years. Ruby, I can so relate. My end result is terminal. This morning, I was so tempted to just stop everything. My poor body is worn down. I was told if stopped treatment, I would be dead in a month. Yesterday was my and my husbands wedding anniversary. Every year I'm so sad on this day, but yesterday, I told him I would be with him soon. Now on to other things, I was told a year ago march, I had 2 weeks to live. I am a fighter, God instilled this in me. Maybe that's why I was potty trained at gun point. It taught me to be a fighter. But the one thing that has helped the most is I am a Christ Follower. He has given me over a year extra. Since then, I met my new granddaughters, Elleigh and Piper, had great times with my cousins at the cousins reunion, spent time with my children and grandchildren, and even a surprise trip to Disney thanks to my kids, James and Mandi. I have grown closer to God that I ever have. I certainly don't blame Him. I did this to myself. So I will keep going as long as God lets me put one foot in front of the other. I know Gods got this covered. He has helped me thru many sleepless nights, put people in my life to do my yard work, bring meals, donate money so I can pay for treatment, clean my house and do my laundry. I love these people for all they do. Thank you, Lord for sending them. My priorities have certainly changed. Life is not all about my job, how big of a house I have, or car. I have missed too many birthdays, outings with the family because I worked a job. So today, I'm grateful. I am worn, torn, and beaten down, but I'm still in the fight. Mama always said she had the hardest time getting me to go to sleep as a baby because I was afraid I would miss something. I guess it's still that way today. I can't die yet, I may miss something. As my friend, Sandra, always says to me " just keep swimming". Sandra I'm swimming. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

Tomorrow is the day.

Tomorrow is the day I find out if I can keep fighting, or if this has grown so large, nothing can be done. What sucky choices. The chemo I've been taking is the last chemo I can take. There is nothing else. And tho it has done a great job on my lungs, it didn't touch my brain which the tumor had grown quite large. The chemo I am taking is called Topecan. It is horrid!! I can't keep food down, I have severe fatigue, and big, massive mouth blisters. Can't eat, sleep all the time, etc. I swear, I don't know how people do this without being a Christ Follower. My prayer today, is the brain scan won't show anything new, and I can go back on the topetecan. I'll put up with all the yuckiness, just to have a shot of still being here. Here is where I'm conflicted. I'm not afraid to die. I know then I will be with my Lord and my Savior. I am in so many ways looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am afraid I will miss my kids, grandkids, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. I'm not sure how all that works in Heaven. I just don't see how we can love someone so much on earth, and then not remember them in heaven. A good outcome for me would be that they see nothing on my brain....I did not say that they won't see a brain. :). And I can start back on the chemo that has worked so well. That is my prayer. If I was to pray BIG, I would pray that all the cancer would be gone. I just put myself in the hands of Jesus. He knew me while I was yet in my mama's womb. He loved me then, and He loves me now. Cancer has become painful now. I won't miss that when I'm in heaven. Since I only had 2 weeks to live 14 months ago, God has shown me such grace and mercy. I have no complaint there. My priorities have definitely changed. Material things really do not matter. My walk with Jesus is what matters. It should have always been what mattered. It took a death sentence to open my eyes. I know the Lord is right beside me. Holding me up, or just walking along beside me holding my hand. I am just letting him lead the way. Where ever he takes me, I will go. Whether it be death or life. I am just praising the Lord for where ever he leads. Keep praying. Love u guys. Becky

When my mom was sick.

When my mom was sick, she hated it that we had to take of her. We had to fix her plates, make sure she took her medicine correctly, made it to bed without falling down. We even had to help her out of her chair. She hated it. Now I'm hating it. I am close to the same place she was. Because I've had some confusion, now most everything I say is questioned. And I guess it should be. I have called my daughter 4 or more times to ask the same question, because I didn't remember the answer. But the problem with this for me, is I feel like I am becoming more of a burden, and I don't want to be a child. I want to be loved and respected as a mom and nanny. I know I get that, but I also know I have confusion, and I'm grateful to those willing to answer my questions a million times. I guess my fear is I'm slipping away, and all that will be left is a shell of the person I once was. This saddens me beyond belief. The dr will do a scan this week and decide if chemo or hospice is my best options. So today I'm just tired. I pray for relief from this. I love the Lord, and I know He's with me. I just do not want to be a burden, or dependent. I have already lost my independence, and that is a real lesson in humility. I hate humility. I hate not having control. I hate that I have to depend on others. I find it ironic this is what God has tried to teach my whole life. Trust Him, put my life in His hands. Lean on Him, and be dependent on Him. Ok, God, I get it, but it's still painful. I guess it's better to learn it now than never, but it still sucks. Keep praying

It's amazing how my life changes.

It's funny how things change.

Miracles happen

What a great and mighty God I serve! I have been told I look pretty good for a dead woman. And I have to agree. I thought that statement best summarized my sickness. For a person that never should have lived to see April, 2011, I am still here. I told God I had to live until october so I could see my 11th grandchild born. God honored that, and Piper Jolene was born perfect and beautiful. Then I asked God to let me live to be older than 55. I turned 56 in Nov. Then I asked God to let me make it thru the holidays, and what a great holiday it was. I was the most grateful to be here for this Christmas than I had ever been in my life. now I have asked God to let me live until March. This will be the I year mark from my diagnosis. Then in may, my oldest granddaughter graduates from college with a degree in forensics. I have to be there to see her walk across that OSU stage. The truth is, I don't have time to die. I have told God that, and he seems to understand. With my type of aggressive cancer, I have scans quite often. In nov, my scan showed spots back on my lungs, and a cluster of "something" at the base of my esophagus. I was in ICU, and also had pneumonia. I had another scan done the end of last week. Tho I feel great, and was fairly positive, still Satan would whisper doubt in my ear. I held firmly to Gods promises, and was reminded of the healing blood of Jesus, and believe me, I clung to that! Today, I got scab results. Every spot has disappeared, except the one spot at the base of my esophagus, which is actually in a lymph node, pressing against the esophagus. The spot has grown from 1.1 cm to 1.8 cm. I'm no dr, but to me, that doesn't seem like much growth. The dr is not even sure it is cancer. He said it could be an infection. Here is what I do know. I feel great. No pain, no shortness of breath, and ready to live all my days serving the God who created me. I love that, it makes me seem so special. I can make a cake, but if I create a cake, you can bet I would put my all in it. See how good God is? He didn't just make me, He created me. He formed me when I was still in my mothers womb. God doesn't need me in heaven. He needs me here, and I will spend the rest of my days serving my God. I actually believe I am getting very close to returning to work, part time. That is a miracle. Today I am so grateful. I am so thankful to be alive. I am grateful for no pain, easy breathing, and so many people who have prayed, and continue to pray. Don't stop praying. For people who have doubted the power of prayer, I am your example that it works. I had a person tell me he had doubted God was still in the miracle business. He is a "show me" person. He told me tonight, God showed him a miracle because of what he has done for me. This man is my youngest son. He said he will never doubt miracles again. Keep praying. Keep the faith. And keep lifting me up. God is listening. Becky