Valley Walker

My niece, Emily, reminded me at the beginning of my journey, that I was a valley walker, not a valley dweller. Emmy, this was awesome advise. My job was just to keep walking thru the valley with my eyes on the Lord. Don't stop and dwell there, don't pitch my tent, don't even hang out, just keep trucking. Emily is my sisters oldest daughter, and wise beyond her years. During the time she was visiting me in the hospital, my sister and brothers came to visit me also, along with my children, other nieces, and various family members. Not meaning to leave anyone out, the point of my blog tonight, is my sister, brothers, and I did not have it easy growing up. I would go so far as to say it was bad, and at times, unbearable. We grew as teens with a whole slew of defects of character, but the one thing that was made clear was we were owed nothing, excuses were not made for our behavior, and we were responsible for the decisions we made. We had no one making excuses for us, and we accepted our consequences as they came. I got cancer due to poor choices I made. No one made them for me. I have to accept my own responsibility, which I have and do. Tho this is painful, it means I have to keep my eyes on the Lord. I am saying this because so many times, I see teens that others just simply make excuses for. They rarely suffer consequences, and everything is done for them. It took my struggle to realize God was my only hope. My only way. As I watch this occur, I have to wonder at the end of it all, and these kids have never totally suffered consequences, never HAD to trust in the Lord, who is held responsible? The now grown kid who does not know the Lord, or the person who allowed them to get that way? My life has been hard growing up, and is difficult as an adult, but I can honestly say I know the Lord and am a Christ follower. With my eyes on the prize, I am ready to face what God will walk with me thru. I truly am a valley walker, not a valley dweller. So tho as hard as our lives were, my siblings and I learned no one was going to make excuses for us, or look the other way, or not allow us to suffer consequences for our behavior. So if I am grateful for anything in my childhood, this would be it. It taught me God was the one that loved me, He would guide me if I allowed Him, He would walk with me thru every valley, but even He allows me to suffer consequences of my decisions. Yes, at this moment my tumors may be cleared, but believe me, He didn't just wave his hand and make it all go away. I walked thru the cancer treatment hell. Thank you, Lord, you walked with me. I love the Lord. I love the little reprieve I have been given. I love the extra time with my friends and family, and I am ever so grateful no one made excuses for me, so I could develop that relationship with the Lord. I will keep trucking, as usual. Just trying to remember, I am a valley walker, not a valley dweller. Thank you, Emily, I love you. Becky

Getting close

What a miracle! I am getting close to the end of my treatment, and my cancer. Isn't it odd, that in March, I was given a death sentence. But the God I serve, has decided it isn't time yet. It has been the hardest battle of my life. For those that have heard my testimony, I feel like I had to go thru all I have in my past to prepare me for this cancer battle. You cannot have cancer and be weak. Life is just hard with cancer. I am so grateful today. Now, I may be jumping the gun a bit. One more chemo round, then the PET scan just to make sure am cancer free. But I just believe I am. Now, if I can just get the Eaton-Lambert Syndrome under control, that would be a miracle. But I can work on one miracle at a time. I love the Lord. I love how he not only died for my sins, but my healing. I love how he still has that healing touch, and is not afraid to use it. I love that He cares about my life, my hopes in life, my desires in life, and all my dreams. I sure don't know why. I am so not worthy. I know Jesus made me worthy, and that is so awesome, but I don't deserve it. Today, I am grateful. I am grateful about everything, but most importantly, I am grateful for my second chance in life. I will not waste it. Not once. So tonight, I am just praising the Lord. I am just thanking the Lord, and worshiping His holy name. I am getting close, so close. And I cannot wait to get to the end and be done. Life is good once again. Just keep the faith, Becky

Thank you God, Mandi, and Ruby

Ok, it's a countdown of my chemo days. For now, I am looking at 5 more chemo treatments, then I'm done. After that, I move on to PET scan, and I am believing it to be cancer free. Last scan of my lungs and lymph nodes were clear, and I am believing God that they will remain so, along with my liver, heart, bones, and brain. That's what they will check before they can give me the "all clear". This is just amazing to me! In march, at the Lewisville hospital, the oncologist said there was nothing they could do, I was too eat up with cancer. Praise God for my daughter, Mandi, and my sister, Ruby. I would have just accepted what she said thinking she is the Dr. My daughter and my sister did not accept it, and got me moved to Baylor Cancer Center. Ruby and Mandi got me hooked up with the right Drs, and those Drs would not accept death as an answer. So believe me when I say I am grateful for the stubbornness of my sister and my daughter(now you know where my daughter gets her stubbornness). I am grateful to God for giving me more days, and I will not waste those days God has given me. What a mighty God I serve! I have gone from a death sentence, to a being cancer free terminal cancer. Weird, huh? Only God. To clarify, the type of cancer I have medically is terminal. So far, the Dr says I am clear. I will shout it from the rooftops after the PET scan. Then, I will see about going back to work part time. I am so ready. I miss Home Depot. Thank you, Mandi and Ruby, and Praise the Lord for all he has done. It is a miracle!

Well, what a day. It has actually been pretty uneventful, which is awesome for me. I have had way too many "events" lately, so uneventful is good. My dear friend, Theresa Turley, has asked me to post my testimony on my blog. I am giving it some thought, Theresa. Tonight, Cheryl and I snuck off and went to Joes Crab Shack and had an awesome supper. Crab, of course. But tonight, overall, I am feeling better. Still not real energetic, but at least not as bad as it was. I start chemo again on Monday. Tho I am grateful for it's lifesaving effects, I am not looking forward to the nausea, fatigue, gums sore and bleeding, and it taking all I can muster to get thru 3 days of that. But, just 2 more rounds of chemo, and I am done. Yippee!! I am so ready for church in the morning. I love pastor mikes sermons. I am just ready to hear what God needs me to hear. And I know I need to hear much. I love God. I love His love and mercy for me. I love his healing touch. I love that Jesus died for me. Yes, me. The one who least deserved it. I love that He has sent me to the right Drs, and right hospital. But most of all, I love how much He loves me. The lost sheep that He searched for. So, I serve an awesome God. I will always love and serve Him. No matter what. So tonight, I just keep on keeping on. Still trucking. Keeping the faith, Becky

Nothing much

I have waited all week for my blood transfusion to kick in and I would get this big burst of energy. But so far, it hasn't happened. I am still pooped and begin chemo again in 2 days. Makes me wonder just how long it takes to get over cancer treatment. I just thought I would move along a lot faster, but so far, no luck. But either way, I am glad to being close to done. Done is good. So I wait, and pray, and wonder when it will all be done. I am ready to have the PET scan and be told my cancer is gone. I am so grateful to God for all he has done. I am grateful for healing, and I am even grateful for my Eaton-Lambert disease, because without it, the cancer never would have been found. Now, my cousin, Charlene, can tell you the test for Eaton-Lambert is the most painful thing I have ever done. She was with me, praying, as I am squeezing her hand and, screaming my head off. She is praying, and I am screaming. If I would have been in the military, I would have told them anything and everything they wanted to know. I would have confessed to killing Kennedy. It was crazy. But today, I am grateful for it. Eaton-lambert saved my life. So, thank you, Lord. We don't always recognize blessings when they happen. I am going to get some sleep. I am tired. Just know tonight I am grateful. So grateful. We just need to keep the faith....Becky

I am a whiner tonight!

I have found it amazing the things I have put my body thru to stay alive. Chemo just about wears me out, and causes the "chemo crazies", it makes me nauseated, and makes my gums so raw, they bleed. With the huge blood clot I have around my port, I give myself 2 shots in the stomach every morning, and 2 shots in the stomach every night. My stomach is so bruised. I start my chemo regimen again Monday, and believe me, I am not looking forward to it. Now, don't get me wrong. I am grateful for it's life saving effect, I just wish there was an easier way. I had a blood transfusion on Monday, and I have been waiting for the burst of energy I was hoping it would give me. But so far, that hasn't happened. I guess tonight, I am just a whiner. Maybe feeling sorry for myself, or just tired. Whatever this is, I just wish it would get better. There is always tomorrow, and for that, I am grateful. I am so grateful for a tomorrow. Not everyone has one. I am anxious to be done with the 2 regimens of chemo, then my PET scan to make sure all the cancer is gone. That scan will make sure the cancer didn't move anywhere else in my body. I am ready to see and hear it is all gone. I am so ready to have hair again. I am ready to not take shots, chemo, and have energy. And I am really ready to stop whining!

You would think I would be jumping for joy

You would think I would be jumping for joy. Don't get me wrong, I'm elated over the news from yesterday. But today, I am just tired. Really tired. I even had the blood transfusion yesterday, and I feel worn out. I am just ready to not be sick. I just want to feel good, not tired, sore, bald, chemo crazy, sick from chemo, no energy, out of breath, and I want my gut to quit hurting. I don't know how people do this for years. I have done it for months, and I'm already tired of it. But I am so grateful to God. I am grateful that he has removed my tumors, and given me a chance at a life. I am thankful for his healing touch, and his love for me. Especially when you consider I do not deserve anything. What an awesome God I serve, that He could love me in spite of myself, and the life I have lived. I certainly don't deserve it. I am just grateful for the miracle He has performed, and believe me, this is a miracle. I have 2 more rounds of chemo to go, and I will be glad when they are over. Then I have the PET scan, and I guess that is when I can officially jump for joy. But I'm happy now. I saw the scan from yesterday, and it was clear of all tumors. What a big blessing! So, today, I am just worn out and nauseated, and tired. Maybe after a good nights sleep, all will be well. I know all is well with my soul, now if I could just have everything well with my body. So, I will just keep on keeping on, and more importantly, keep the faith. Becky

What a weird day!

Went to dr this morning, my nurse friend, Cheryl in tow, to see dr and do my 5 hours of chemo. Afterwards, we were to go to radiology to also schedule my radiation. Cheryl knows more questions to ask and understands the answers, since I don't especially understand. My friend, Amy, took me for a scan this week since I had already had 3 rounds of chemo, and 2 more rounds to go. The dr wanted to see where my tumors were, and how large, before he sent me for radiation. Now here is where it gets weird, and awesome. Dr showed me and Cheryl the first scan. I had 16 lymph nodes in the middle of my chest full of cancer. My left lung had tumors, one spot on the right lung had cancer, and the lower part of my left lung, the lower lobe, had one cancer spot. After the scan Amy took me to, after lots of prayer from lots of people, the dr showed me and Cheryl the second scan. There is no cancer, nowhere. Spot is gone from right lung, 16 lymph nodes clear, left lung clear, so he got with radiologist, and said to cancel radiation, since there was nothing to radiate! Now, by this time, Cheryl and I are excited beyond belief. But the dr isn't. He said to him, he would have rather seen the spot on the right lung. That would have meant my cancer was limited, not extended. Apparently, a person can be cured of limited small cell, but if you get rid of extended small cell, cancer society says it will come back at some point, drs have to keep an eye on it. Ok, call me stupid, but I am excited second scan shows NO cancer. Dr wants to finish up the next 2 rounds of chemo, then do a PET scan to make sure I have no cancer, no where. The scan he did this week was from base of my neck to bottom of my pelvis, and dr said all in between was clear of cancer. This is just God. In march, I was given a death sentence. I was eat up with cancer. Today, there is nothing to go to radiation for! Praise the God I serve! Dr doesn't want me to get excited yet. But I am excited. I am grateful to God for the reprieve. So next week, 3 days of chemo, wait 3 weeks, and go for 3 more days of chemo. After that, PET scan, and I am trusting in God for all cancer to all be gone. Please don't stop praying. Please. Praise the Lord for all he has done. So today, had blood transfusion, and then home. Not a bad day after the 2 scans I saw. Becky

Good Friday 13th

What a day! So blessed to attend my daughters graduation from Texas Womens university. Not so easy if you consider she is a wife, mother of 4, and pregnant with her 5th child! So, needless to say, I am proud. Proud of her will, stamina, and determination to succeed. I sure love her. I got other good news! I had my scan yesterday and today, it shows my tumors have not just improved, but " greatly" improved. Now how awesome is that? The good news is now I am cleared for chemo and radiation. Both. I am praying for the miracle. Dr konduri told me if I had this type of chemo and radiation, I would be sicker than I've ever been. I have heard these words over and over from the dr, but I told him I would do it. Whatever it took. I am grateful for the opportunity to have treatment, no matter how hard. So, praise God for the chance for treatment. I haven't had this chance until now. The tumors were too large and wouldn't line up. But God made it happen, so me and God are in for the fight of my life. Just so you know, I, like my daughter, have the will, stamina, and determination to succeed. To win this fight. The only bad news the scan showed, is I have a blood clot at my port site. So now I take shots in my stomach to get rid of the clot. If this is the only bad news I hear, I've got it made. I am so grateful. To God, to the drs, and to my family and friends. Thank you all for praying. Keep praying. Just keep praying. I've been thru much in my life, but I have never had a battle like this. I am strong, just pray my strength will hold. Becky

Cancer support group

Well, tonight I went to my first cancer support group. To be truthful, I was not so crazy about that. I knew the first thing I would have to do is admit I had cancer to a group of people I didn't know( as if my bald head wouldn't give me away), and then probably be expected to talk about it. Now, as I've said, I am a bury my head in the sand person. If I don't talk about it, it's not real, or so I think. I feel comfortable talking about cancer with a few people, certain people. But to converse my dilemma with a room of strangers, is just a weird thought. To my surprise, tho, the group was pretty cool. I expected a room of people wringing their hands, crying about their cancer. But what I found was a group of people that are survivors. They have been battling cancer for some time, and are still here. They were given death sentences years ago, when they were told they had months to live. Years later, they are still here. Wow, I want to keep going back to learn what makes them different. Much of what I learned was their faith in God, their positive thinking, and sometimes just sheer will and determination. Some days it was putting one foot in front of the other. I think I could learn to love these people. Either way, I will go back next month. I will listen, learn, and may even share. So in spite of myself, I had a good time and was grateful to find this group. Becky

What a great day

Today has been such a great day! The weather was beautiful, Cheryl and I ran a few errands that needed to be ran, and just enjoyed ourselves. Found a place on josey that has a cancer support group. May be interesting. Think I'll call them tomorrow. Can't hurt. Today, I was able to forget just for a little while, I had cancer. Not for any particular reason except I feel good and we had other things to do. So I love days like this. Tonight I attended a bible study. It was great to haul
my bald self to a home and just study about understanding the bible in
60 days. Since they had already started, I may have to learn the bible a whole lot quicker. But I'm on it. I can do it. So today, I am inspired. Today I am loved. Today I am cared for and happy. Today I am blessed. Today I love my life. I wish things were different with my sickness, but they are not. So I accept what is and fight with everything in me to beat this thing. In the meantime, I keep on keeping on. That is all I can do, and pray. Just keep praying. For health, healing, and miracles. I believe in miracles. I believe God is still in the miracle business. so I just keep praying for one of those. I don't need a lot of miracles, just one. So I keep praying for just the one. Keep the faith, Becky

Another day

I am not a person who was raised in church. And I will go so far as to say what I did know and believed about God was really warped and in some ways crazy. My daughter, Amanda, lead my to the Lord, and encouraged my growth in Christ. Now don't blame her for some of the crazy ideas I get. I get those on my own, or just things I somehow believe about God. I am still in awe of the church service last night. To finally get thru my head that my upcoming death is not about me, but what Christ did on the cross is nearly liberating. Now don't get me wrong, I have some involvement. I will still be dead, so in some ways, it's about me. But to know that there is nothing more I need to do to be loved by God, is kinda crazy. We do things all the time so people will love us, approve of us, like us, or continue to care about us. But with God, as Christians and a believer, I need to do nothing else. How crazy is that! Ok, you believers who have been around a very long time probably already knew this. But for me, to finally understand Christ took care of all that on the cross, and will never love me more than he does at this moment is mind blowing! I am being held blameless due to the blood of Christ, and I am a skuzbag. When God sees me, he doesn't see all that I am responsible for, or caused, or reasons I should be in Hell, God sees the blood of Christ. I envy you guys that was raised in church. You guys have always known this and I am just now learning it. I have always felt as a Christian, I needed to do more, had a responsibility to do more. I will continue to do all I can to serve the Lord, and better serve the kingdom of God until He takes me. But what a relief to know God loves me just the way I am, right now, at tnia moment. And for that, I praise Him and thank him for opening my eyes to the truth. Becky

What I learned today

It is tough facing your own mortality. Course, we all face that every day, but it is a little tough knowing it is coming sooner than later. As a Christian, it is easier. I know when I die, I will go to heaven and spend eternity with God and my Lord and savior. The problem for me has been when I get sad or weapy, I have been afraid this was a lack of faith. I also know God is big on faith. In church tonight, I have learned everything Christ did on the cross was enough. Tho my head has known that, when you are dying, you just want to get it right. I am only going to die once, so somehow, I made this about me rather than Christ. I learned Christ did everything that needed to be done on the Cross. It is not about how many Bible studies I attend, or how many Christian books I read, or how many anything I do. I believe Jesus was Gods son, born of a virgin. He lived sinless, and yet died a horrible death on the cross, for me, a horrid sinner. I believe he was placed in a tomb and rose on the 3rd day. I believe what he said when he said he was going to heaven to prepare a place for me, and when he is done, he will come get me and take me to it. I love the Lord, and cannot imagine being in this situation and not having Christ. The most important thing I learned tonight is this really is not all about me. It is about what Christ did on the cross for me. How very grateful I am to have finally got that thru not only my head, but my heart. What a great lesson I learned. And what a relief to know nothing I can do will change me or my circumstance, only Christ. And he took care of everything on the cross. I loved going to the Village tonight. It was just what I needed to hear.

Time with the kids

I came to my daughter and son in laws, mandi and James house to spend a very long mothers day weekend. It has been nice just sitting and rocking elleigh. Or watching Brystol and her silly antics ( she is such a clown). Seeing Riley grace after her haircut that now makes her look 32 instead of nearly 9, and watching her daddy gray before my eyes as he sees how quickly she is growing up. And bub? Not sure how he does it. Too many little girls for him, but he handles it like a champ. The mama of them all is just tired, and I so wish I wasn't sick so I could do more to help her. She never complains, just keeps going. So this has been a good weekend. Tho I am bald, and tire easily, I have enjoyed the normalcy, or maybe this is insanity, either way, it has been fun. I go in for my CT scan thurs at 1 pm. This scan is to determine whether my tumors have shrunk, and if so, by how much. It will also determine whether I can also have radiation to go with the chemo. To see if everything lines up like it's supposed to for radiation. So I am hopeful, and prayerful, and wishful that the tumors have shrunk, a lot, that I can have radiation, and chemo, and God will have seen fit to give me just a little more time. I cannot imagine going thru all the chemo I have, being as sick as I have, and the tumors not shrinking at all. I cannot even wrap my mind around that. So just be in prayer with me, that after the scan on thurs, I will get a good report when I see oncologist on Monday. I am ready for some good news. This would be good news. Becky

Leaving tomorrow

Tomorrow, I'm going to mandi and James house. I am going for several reasons really. I know as long as I stay here, Cheryl will worry about me. She will make sure I can get around, take my medicines, worry herself silly, and forever be the nurse. From my perspective, I have babies to rock at mandis. Stories to be read, bellies to tickle, and just whatever else we can come up with. Mandi and James are aware of my illness, but in fairness, I feel sicker at home. I think it's because I don't have enough to occupy my mind, except the illness. Going to their house, takes my mind off the illness. The other part of that is Matthew seems to like my weird hats, since he thinks I look like a pirate. He doesn't seem bothered by my bald head, maybe since he's had the same cut. But he seems to get a kick out of the hats I wear. So I will take a variety. The other part of this is I am very aware this may be my last mothers day. Russell lives in missouri, christy lives in Denver, dusty lives in Oregon, and mandi and james live in Justin. So we will make it a kinda mothers day weekendish. Hang out, Play with kids, do a little shopping for Riley-graces birthday( I have chemo on her birthday, so I want to make sure her gift is there), church, just wherever the spirit moves us. I typically have to work up to and including mothers day, so this year I will take full advantage of not working. Not too sure what the plans are, maybe there aren't any except just to be together. That is enough for me, and maybe a prayer, that this mothers day will not be my last. If I have my way, it won't be my last. I have fought and will continue to fight as hard as I can to beat this thing. So, I pray, seek God, pray for wisdom and healing, and just keep going. Becky

A good day

Today, I'm better. Not sure why, maybe enough days past chemo. I haven't done much today. Just sat around, but physically, I'm better. Curtis, thanks for dropping by and bringing the hats. My bald head can use all the help it can get! Spiritually, I'm hopeful. I am anxious for the scan "one day" next week. Not sure yet when. They are supposed to call me. Hopefully, it will be soon. I am praying all has shrunk and lined up like it is all supposed to so I can have radiation. I know I serve a big and awesome God. And I am so prayerful. As my daughter says, none of this is a surprise to God. It is just a surprise to me. The other thing I found out is my new grand baby is a girl. I should say "surprise, it's a girl". But the truth is, in this particular family, this will be their 4th girl..oldest child s a boy. I can definitely see a man cave in the future. So I must, must, must get well enough, and live long enough to see this granddaughter. After that birth, I will set a new goal. Anyway, I'm sleepy, and ready for bed. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

Chemo-crazies

I actually had written another blog, but not sure what happened to it, so I will try to re-do. I have come to the conclusion that I do not need or should blog while I am undergoing chemo. Not that what I feel isn't valid, or even true, but it is entirely skewed. Chemo not only effects me physically, but emotionally, and even spiritually. I feel such a feeling of despair when I am doing chemo, or hopelessness, or sadness, that at times I am completely inconsolable. It seems not one person can say or do anything that makes me feel better when I am in the chemo- crazies. So here is the deal. I will let you guys know when I am undergoing chemo. Of course, please pray for me. But more importantly, pray for poor Cheryl, who listens to me weep and wail, and can do nothing. Pray for Dennis and Matt who have to walk away thinking I have lost my ever loving mind. And pray that for all we as a family are going thru, the tumors have shrunk. I will have 2 more rounds of chemo. I am of the understanding each one gets harder than the one before, and I am also of an understanding, it will take e longer to rebound back. So please forgive my chemo-crazie rants, please keep praying for me and my family, and more importantly, thank you all for still standing with me. Becky