I'm better

Just to let everyone know, I am better tonight than I was last night. Not that much has changed except my attitude, but sometimes, that is the only adjusting we need. Sandra, I so thank you for coming by, letting me cry and understanding why. My visit with you was truly a help. Rob, thanks for the call. Seems like old times. Sometimes, getting to talk about things other than the big elephant in the room, is so helpful. So tho not much has changed but the attitude, sometimes that is enough. Tonight I am grateful for just the attitude difference. I am feeling better. Becky

I'm kinda in a weird place tonight. I feel like a person on death row, and knowing I did the deed to get me there. I am just not quite sure how to get past this. I was looking at the life expectancy of a person with my disease, and maybe I shouldn't have. But it gave anywhere from 2-6 months past diagnosed, up to 5 years if I am really, really lucky. I want to live longer than 5 years, and I for sure don't want it to be months. I want time with my children and grandchildren. I want my grandchildren to remember me. I want them to have awesome memories of me, and the truth is, they all won't. This is one of those things, that if I would have known at 16 what I know now, the different choices I would have made. I am 55 years old. If I am down to a matter of months, 55 is too young to die. And if I'm really, really lucky and live to be 60, that also is too young to die. I want to think about things other than cancer, chemo, radiation, drs appts, hair falling out, blood work, etc. I want to think about work, friends, grandkids games or funny things they are doing. I just want a normal life, and I know I will never have that again,and it saddens me to nearly more than I can take. This is just one of those nights that I am not sure how to get past this. I still have my faith, my love of God, and even my willingness to accept what the end result will be. I just want to be cured. I want to live to be old. I want God to heal me of this disease, and yet I know due to choices I have made, I probably don't deserve the healing I so desire. So tonight, I am trying to keep the faith. Tonight, I am trying to feel deserving of healing. Tonight, I am just praying tomorrow I will somehow feel different, and so afraid I won't. Today, I am just sad to tears, and I HATE feeling this way. Maybe I just need to cry. Maybe I just need to repent, yet again, or maybe I just need to pray. I am not sure what I need, except that miracle cure. And yet tonight I know nothing will ever be the same. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I just need some rest. I nearly hate to post this blog, but it is truly where am tonight. So I pray, pray, pray tomorrow I will feel different. But the truth is, after knowing for about a month I have this cancer, I am already so, so tired. I do not feel good, I am already experiencing more pain and shortness of breath. So I have to wonder when and where it all ends. And in spite of it all, I still pray it's later than sooner. Becky

For some reason, today is hard

Today, for some reason is hard. I am not sure why. I feel a little weapy, tho I have much to be grateful for. I have the scan coming up in 2 weeks to see if my cancer has shrunk. I so pray they have. If they have, I will also start radiation. Between chemo and radiation, I have a chance at at longer life. I know this cancer will kill me, short of an absolute miracle from God. And I will tell you, I want to be here as long as I can. So, today I am scared for what the scan will show. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to just not be sick. I want my life back with all my problems, joys, happiness, hard times, all of it. It is amazing that we do not know what we have until it is gone. So, today I am sad. I want to just be happy again. I'm sure that day will come. I just wish it was now. Keep the faith, becky

2nd round of chemo

I usually try to wait until the quiet of the evening to do my blog, but since I am hooked up to chemo machines, I may as well. I had my first round of chemo in the hospital. This consisted of 3 days of life saving torture. Today, I am doing my second round of chemo. Two more days to go after this. Dr konduri told me I will have 4 rounds of chemo total. In about 2 weeks, the radiation dr, dr. Skaggs, will do a scan and see if the tumors have shrunk enough to do radiation also. Dr Konduri told me doing both at the same time will make me extremely sick, but I have a good chance if we can pull it off. I will take it. I will take whatever chance they give me, and trust God to just give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. That is all I have to do, is just put one foot in front of the other. The rest is up to Him. God is such an awesome God and some days I have faith that can move mountains, and some days, I just have the faith of a mustard seed. But I am thinking God just wants me to have faith. I can manage that. I love my life. I love my family, my friends, my job, my church, but most of all, I love my Lord and Savior. Between me and God, we've handled much in my life, and I have no doubt, He will get me thru this. Just keep praying, and keep the faith. Becky

Today was Easter

Today was Easter, and if I was to be completely honest, I have wondered if its my last Easter. It's funny, that before I got cancer, I never thought of that. Of course, there was always next Easter, but today, I do not have that luxery of thought. So today, I attended and spoke at 3 different church services, including a Spanish one. Which was a trick since I don't speak Spanish. Cheryl and Theresa cooked our Easter lunch, which was quite yummy. Me and the boys stayed at church with my cousin charlene and her husband, bob. I want to live to see another Easter. I want to go to mandi and James, like I've done every year but ths one, and color eggs. I want to watch the kiddies get dye on everything but the eggs, and finally, some weird color accidentally lands on the eggs. I love that I serve a risen savior. I love that when he's darn good and ready, he will come get me and take me to him. I just pray it is later than sooner. I am praying to get thru my next 3 days of chemo without it being too hard. And I am praying for all the kind people who take me back and forth to chemo. I know it is a lot of work and trouble for them, and I am ever so grateful when they can work it out. So today, I am just grateful for all God has given me, and the things he's kept away. Thank you to everyone who celebrated Easter with me and Cheryl. And thank the Lord, I had another Easter. Keep the faith, Becky

In AA, there is an expression that says "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired". Tonight, I feel that way. Even tho my battle is cancer, how do people do this day in and day out? How do they get up in the mornings, praying each day will somehow be different, and yet find it is much the same? I know today I just don't feel good. I also know I just need to go to bed and try to get some rest. But I also know I just want to get well, go back to work, and the biggest decision I have that day is what to have for lunch. I want my hair back, my crazy energy, and my readiness to tackle the world. And today, I am just not feeling it. I am grateful to God that he got me thru another day, even tho I felt bad. I am grateful we got Chris picked up so he could spend his 17th birthday with his brother, and Easter with us. And I am grateful God has put friends and family in my life. To get me where I need to go. I just wish I was well, and wasn't going thru this at all. Maybe someday. Keep the faith, Becky

Just another simple day

Today, I am alive. I am breathing on my own. My dear friend, Donna Darnell brought the most awesome supper, complete with pie. Pie and cobbler is my favorite desserts. I so enjoyed my visit with Donna. I have worked with her for years, and when my work friends come around, we get to talk about many things. My home depot people have become my other family. So I am ever so glad when they come by. We talked about many things. My illness, home depot, my baldness, work, life, faith, and friendship. We talked about Easter coming up and what plans we both have for the holidays. So today, life was good. Life was normal. I like normal and good. I start my chemo again Monday morning, and will begin my next 3 day round of that ugly stuff. It makes me so sick, but if it is what it takes to save my life, I will do it. In the meantime, I will get ready for Dennis birthday party on Saturday, and Easter on Sunday, and just enjoy my weekend. Keep the faith, Becky

I begin again today

Today begins another day. Today, I am alive. Today I spent time with friends planning my Easter dinner. Today, I visited with my dear friends Julie, Clint, and Theresa, and we enjoyed each others company. I would love to tell you that this is not a journal of my cancer journey, but that would be a lie. The truth is, I never would have blogged if I hadn't been diagnosed with this awful disease. So, that being said, as awful and sad and difficult yesterday was, today is a new day for me. I am just a wee little bit more used to having no hair. I am trying to be ok with it, to realize it is just another leg of my journey. And I am ok with it for the most part. I guess all I am trying to say is today is a better day than yesterday. Even if only a little better. Today, I am grateful for my relationship with my God. That He is able to handle my good days and my very bad days. I am so grateful God loves me in spite of myself. I am grateful that no matter what life throws my way, God is always there, but the most thing I am grateful for is I have learned not to blame God for all the bad and terrible things that life has thrown my way but to lean on him in all things. God is the only chance I have, and I will take it. Today, I am oh so grateful for the God I serve. Becky

Until today

Until today, I have always felt I had choices in life. I could choose to eat, or not. I
could choose to work, or not. I could choose to marry or not. I cauld choose to take
A vacation, or not. I could choose to follow God, or not. I could choose to do any
Darn thing I wanted, or not, and I would reap the benefits or suffer the consequences
of whatever decision I had made. Today, I feel like I have lost all my choices, and
There is not one thing I can do about it. Today, my hair is gone. What little is left
The minute I step out in the wind, it blows away as if I were never here at all. It is like
I am slowly disappearing, and would it ever have made a difference that I was here at all? I was told in the hospital, I would loose my hair, and I really thought I would be ok with it. To make it less traumatic, my awesome hairdresser came to the hospital and cut it short. After
I got out of the hospital, I went back to the awesome hairdresser and she cut it even shorter
So I would have less to loose. I really, really thought I would be ok with this. In the big
Scheme of things, what is hair? I have truly thought it was not so much. But I was wrong. Today, it feels like all my choices are being taken away. Today, it feels like I am being blown away with the wind, and deep inside, I have to wonder if me being here has made any possible difference. I am very aware that today I am feeling sorry for myself. Today I know I am just sad and tomorrow will be another day. Today I know my courage and faith will return and today is just tough. Maybe sometimes, I am entitled to these days, but it somehow just
Doesn't feel that way. I want my being here to have made a difference. I want to live and most
days I believe with the help and healing of the God I serve, I cam beat this thing. It is just
today, I feel my choices are gone....I hate this
,

Another day, another dr

Today I saw the neurologist and she is awesome. She immediately was impressed with her. She knew all about eaton-lambert disease and how to treat it. She even took me off of 2 of my meds. She said since I was doing chemo, I didn't need them. She saw no problems with my arms or swallowing, the only issue she could see was my gait when I walked. The hope is that as the chemo shrinks the tumors, my I will restore somewhat to normal. So that was good. Came home, rested a bit, then cheryl and I went to bible study. So all in all, a good day. The thing that seems to bug me the most, is my hair is coming out by the handfuls. I knew it was coming, just not this soon. I think after my next chemo round, starting Monday, it will be gone. How very sad. Here's what I need prayer for. Radiation is not even a possibility if the chemo doesn't shrink the tumors enough. Pray the chemo will stink the tumors enough so i can have radiation.thanks for your prayers, becky

What a great day

Last night, we picked up Matt and Dennis brother for him to come stay the night. These boys were so happy to see one another, it warmed my heart. This morning, we all attended church
as a family. The service was awesome as usual. Then pastor mike and I talked about me giving my testimony next Sunday, on Easter Sunday. I am happy to do it. It gives me a way to serve
my Lord and Creator. I have a crazy story, but God has gotten my thru all of it. If anyone is interested in attending, please come. If you have a church home, please stay there. But if you do not have a church home, feel free to attend. I attend Lakeway Baptist Church on North Colony in the colony. Today, I am grateful for feeling well, for going to church with my church family. I am grateful for the meals being brought, and for good times with my friends. I am so very grateful for biological family, and the family God has put together under our roof. I have much to be grateful for, and believe me, I am counting every one. Keep the faith. Becky

It is true that some days, I have bad days and bombard you guys with all my anger and frustration, today is not one of those days. Now please understand, I went from a single woman, working hard, at a job I love, with people in love, and it was a place I was needed to
be there. Came home to do chores, be mother to 2 teenage foster sons, and just busy. So I've gone from that to a big fat ZERO! I feel bad, my life is centered around drs, I miss my home depot family and life there, so sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself and whine. The unfortunate part, is I whine to you guys. I know I wrote about this last night, but I want to say just one more time how much good getting together with my home depot family meant to me. I feel like a new determination has been breathed into me. It is tough for me to be so isolated, and much of that is my fault. My immune system is so low, that if you are even a little sick, I cannot see you. I so, so, so loved last night. Thank you guys for putting it all together. Thank you for the laughs, food, great times. I am so blessed. I think about all the sick people who have no one, and I am surrounded with people who love me and help me, pray for me, pray for my drs, and take me where I need to go. I cannot even begin to thank you enough, and I am just so blessed.

What a difference a day makes

What a great day. Today, the day was gorgeous. Cheryl and I got out and ran a few errands. Went to home depot to price some things, got supper for the boys, then Cheryl and I went to stans where we caught up with many of my home depot family. What fun! We laughed, ate, hugged, and just had fun. for just a little while, even for a second, i got to forget I was
sick. All I was, was just part of my home depot family. My heart and soul needed it, and kinda
Rejuvenated me for whatever battles lay ahead. I cannot thank these people enough! You guys are so awesome, and I am so blessed to have you all as friends. Curtis came over today and fixed my pantry door, and put up the basketball goal for the boys. Thank you Curtis. Then Carlos came over to give me estimates on installing some ADA things. So all in all, what. Great day. And truly got lots of rest in between. I am kinda pooped now and about to go to bed, but I am so grateful for the friends God has given me, and that I felt great today and was able to visit with them. I am grateful for the new day God has given me, and the strength I seem to be building. This seems like a miracle. Maybe it is a miracle! Either way, aim blessed. Keep the faith, Becky

Today I got brave

Today I got brave. I am a bury my head in the sand person. Not that I want to be lied to, or be disillusioned, but the hard things I cannot control anyway, I would just as soon not know. I looked up info on the Internet, but my drs hav told me to stop doing that. They said most of the info was false. So today, I called the American cancer society and low and behold, they
have the latest and most accurate info on my type of cancer. They are putting a packet in the mail as we speak. So now I will become somewhat educated, know more specifically what to pray about, and feel a little more that I am in control instead of just along for the ride. Tonight, Cheryl and I are going to meet my home depot buds at stans on the balcony. It will be like old times. We used to do this every 2 weeks, but then we all got busy, and we slowed down. So tonight, at stans, on the balcony, overlooking the lake, and just having fun. I am so there! I so welcome this! Thank you ladies for putting this together, you are awesome. Today I am so grateful for still being able to breath without oxygen, I am grateful I woke up, I am grateful all my appts are set, and I am grateful God is still in control. I am grateful God is bigger than the drs, and am grateful he got me with an awesome team of drs. Today, I am just grateful for many things. Keep the faith, becky

Today, it all worked

I was so entirely frustrated at the incompetence of other people, I was in tears last night. All I wanted was appt times for the chemo, shouldn't be hard. Nothing came together. By this morning, it all fell into place. My appt times were set, then iwas able to call American cancer society and get rides down for chemo, except one day. I called my friend debra and she
Said she could take me that day. The fun thing with going with friends is we can usually find some mischief to get in to. The girls at work has set a day and time on Friday so we can all get together and have some fun. We used to do that quite often, but we got where we slowed down. Glad the girls have started again. I am feeling in a much better mood than I was last night. Thank goodness. This new life I have stumbled into I have not liked. But I will go with it. I am so grateful for my family, my friends, my church family, and all the love and support I have been shown. It has truly made the journey easier. And I thank everyone that sits and listens to me blubber like a baby, crying my eyes out, and they tell me it's ok to cry, to be sad, or just plain scared. I love you all, thanks for listening. Becky

Hopefully today

Hopefully, today is better. I had a great visit with my sister, niece, and her 2 children yesterday, and the visit was great. This was so enjoyable. At the same time, I am calling
drs offices to get appts I need, all to no avail. Ruby offered to do it for me, but she is
not always going to be here, and this shouldn't be hard, so I tried to do
it myself. By last night, I just started crying from sheer frustration,
One of my problems is I don't know medically much about my type of cancer.
I have chosen not to know. What I have learned is that there is no cure, and
I will die. I don't want to know more because I am afraid I will quit fighting
to live. Now, I know this is not what God says, and I take Gods word over
Mans word any day. But I will admit, fighting is hard. And my fight has
just begun. So I chosen to not know more, but then this makes it hard
Because I get ideas in my head about things, and Im not sure if it's true
Here is an example. When Paula and I saw the oncologist, he stated after
My second round of chemo, he would get with the radiation dr and they
Would decide if radiation was an option. I took this news ok, and have
Been praying they will shrink and radiation can be done. For some
Reason, I have it in my head, that if they do no to chemo and radiation, I will die.
I said this to the radiation dr, and he didn't confirm or deny my fears, but did
Tell me if he does radiation, and it doesn't line up, I will be paralyzed. He cannot
And will not do that. Ok, this just gets suckier by the minute. I do not know that I will
Die if I don't have both, it is just one of those thoughts I ave in my head
So I don't know what to read about my sickness. I have read everything from a few weeks
To 5 years if I am extremely lucky. Everything else, I don't know what is true
When I was in the hospital, I told the dr I was reading about this small cell cancer
On the Internet, he told me to quit reading the Internet, that most was untrue. So what is
Real? So today I am venting. Today I am frustrated, today, I just want things to be
Normal, my old normal, not my new normal. But what I do know today is God is with me
I know He has not left me. I know he is taking care of our needs by sending so many
People to help, and I know today, he allowed me another day to get up, breath, and begin
A new day. I know God will get me thru this. I do not know if I will live thru this,
But I know he will walk or carry me every step of the way. So please forgive my griping
Some days I just need to do that. I will pray today, I can get some appts set. Y'all
Just keep praying for me. For strength, and courage, and the will to just keep fighting.
Becky
I will die. I have no idea if this is true or not, it is just

Today I got frustrated

Today was a frustrating day. I saw my oncologist yesterday, and he gave me a list of
things to do, drs to call, and call his schedulers back and get a time set for my
next chemo. I managed to get ahold of everyone, and appts set with everyone he asked me
to except his own schedulers. I called no less than 5 times and all I need is a time to
be there. Dr k already gave me the dates, all I need is the times. Getting these times is
important so I can schedule rides with the American cancer society to take me. Since the
schedulers aren't dying, they are in no hurry. I am discovering I m loosing my patience.
So tonight, I am just frustrated. I am sick of drs, proceedures, and everyone having
control of my life. I just want my life back. And I have just begun this journey. Please
Don't think I have given up, I haven't. But it is so hard not to. So tonight, I think
I'm just discouraged and tired. I am going to bed. I will start the calls again tomorrow
and see if I have better luck. Good night, Becky

We now have a plan

Met with the oncologist today. I told him I wanted him to just strap me to an iv pole full of
Chemo until this cancer is gone. Well, he didn't like my suggestion, so he set next round
Of chemo for April 25, 26, & 27th. Then I have 3 weeks down. I don't like 3 weeks down, but
He said more would be dangerous for me (like what I have isn't already dangerous?). After my
Next round of chemo, the drs will decide if I am a candidate for radiation. And somewhere
In between, I have to see a neurologist because of my eaton-lambert disease. I was supposed
To have already called one, but I hadn't. The truth is, I just didn't want to call. I am already sick of drs, hospitals, and appts, that I just didn't call. This was the wrong answer
To give to the dr today. He was furious with me. He reminded me he told me to get this done
Weeks ago. While I'm sitting there, he whips out his cell phone, calls the private number of
The neurologist, and tells her I would be calling her tomorrow and she needed to get me in
As soon as possible. Well, he leaves me no choice there. Now I'm afraid if I don't call, she
Will rat me out! so I will call. My hemoglobin, white counts, and plasma is low. Dr said
It was not unusual for chemo patients, but if it gets any lower, I will be treated to a blood
Transfusion. I would rather have a dip cone! So this is the latest report. I am exhausted
And going to sleep. Keep the faith, Becky

Today we make a plan

Today I go see my oncologist and we make a plan. I like plans. We will decide
when I go for chemo, what days and times. Then I can plan this thru the American
Cancer society, and they will try to send someone to my door to take me to chemo all
At no cost to me. What a deal! Someday, I hope to volunteer to do this awesome
service for other cancer patients. If you have been thinking of ever being a
volunteer anywhere, give this some thought. So back to my thoughts.I am going to
Make plans with my oncologist for my chemo. Tho I'm grateful for chemo, I am
One of those people chemo makes me so weak and sick. Tho I will endure, tho I
will be strong nag fight, it just makes me sick. My dear sister in law had surgery
yesterday and the drs took out all 15 of her cancerous lymph nodes, leaving her
Now cancer free, they cannot do that for me. Tho I am so happy for her, I am envious
they cannot do that for me. I have a different kind of cancer, so my choices are
limited. Yesterday, I went to a Bible Study with an awesome group of ladies. Met
some new ladies, and saw some of the women I met on Sunday at church. The Bible
Study was great and the fellowship was wonderful. I love getting some normalcy
Back to my life. I am pretty sure my life will never be the same as it was
before cancer, but that could be a good thing. I have learned to appreciate
what I have. I have learned to not be so materialistic, I have learned to
Stop and look at the flowers that are blooming instead of rushing to my next oh
so important next stop. And you want to know the best thing I learned? I learned
the world didnt stop turning just because I didn't clean my house, or do my laundry,
Or rush to the next meeting. Tho I love The Home Depot, it is still there, even
With me gone. So for as rushed and busy as I always was, I have now learned that
I should have slowed down a long time ago and enjoyed what God has given me that
I took for granted, or had some idea I somehow deserved this new thing. I am grateful
for what I've learned thru this sickness. Today, I Praise the Lord with everything
In me. God didn't make me sick. I made myself sick because I didn't take care
Of myself. But God is with me. He is keeping me strong, and many times comforting
Me or carrying me. What a God we serve! I am so grateful I woke up today, and
I can breath on my own with no oxygen, and I am going on a trip with 2 of my dear
Friends. I am grateful the church ladies are bringing supper at night. They do
Know what a help that is. Cheryl works nights, and can't fix supper, I am too weak
to do it, and the boys are not good cooks. So this has been great. I will hate
The day it ends. Keep the faith, my friends. Keep praying not only for me, but
for my great group of drs. And keep praying for my sister in law a speedy, speedy
Recovery. Love to all, becky

My day started early

For some reason, I woke up at 3:30 wide awake. I got up, made coffee, and here I sit. My sister in law, is having major cancer surgery today, so I have spent time praying for her. Her name is Brenda, so if you are a believer, please pray for her too. They ar doing for her what they cannot do for me, and I have to admit, I am a little jealous. She has 15 lymph nodes cancerous, and they are going to remove them. I have 16 cancerous lymph nodes, and they won't take mine out. I think mine have to shrink some before they can. I am grateful they are going to take hers out, just wish I could join her. On a brighter note, I went to church yesterday. I go to Lakeway Baptist Church right behind my house. These gracious people have prayed for me, brought supper to my house, visited me in the hospital and at home, and I have not even joined their church yet. so yesterday when I went, and introduced myself to different ones, I heard " oh you are th one we are praying for, or we are bringing you a meal tonight, what do you need help with, do you need me to mow your yard?". These people are the epitome of Christian spirit. So giving, so loving, and to a fellow believer with no selfish motives themselves. I have truly found a home church, and I am anxious to give back. If you do not have a home church, or just want to check it out, try Lakeway Baptist on north colony in The Colony. I am so grateful for today. I am grateful I can breath on my own and don't have to wear oxygen, I am grateful I can still walk, tho with eaton-lambert syndrome sometimes that is a little shaky, I am grateful I woke up today, and I am so grateful Christ died for me. I am grateful I have found a church I can get plugged in to, I am grateful for my family and friends, and I am so grateful I am loved by so many. What a blessing! I am grateful for my 2 foster sons and the joy and laughter they bring me. I am grateful to water my garden and watch my plants come up. I don't know how long my life will be, but you know what? You don't know that either. I just wish I would have figured out the important things sooner than I did, instead of getting caught up in all that stuff that doesn't matter. Today, I am grateful to be alive and mobile, and I am going to take full advantage of it. God is so good, so loving, so full of mercy and grace. He is with me thru my journey, and He won't leave me. I am just grateful! Keep the faith, becky

This is the day that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it. Isn't it ironic what priorities we set in life. My priorities used to be to buy a house, have granite countertops, take another million mile road trip with the Huggins family, get that promotion, or at least recognition at work, have money in the bank, drive a nice car, etc. Funny how the priorities change. Today, I don't care about any of that stuff, except maybe another million mile road trip with the Huggins family. Today, my priorities are to be able to wake up in the morning, to breath, to enjoy my friends, to go to a movie, eat tons of buttered popcorn cuz who cares about the girlish figure now. My priorities are that my grandchildren, tho the little ones may not always remember me, I want them to know what an awesome Nannie I am. The bigger ones will remember me. I have always wanted to go to Prince Edward Island. Hopefully, I can get well enough I can make that trip with the Huggins. Now, please don't misunderstand what I am saying here today. I have NOT
given up. I am still fighting to beat this thing. I am not depressed and laying dowwn waiting to die. I have fought my whole life and I have always said if there is breath, there is hope. My hope is not gone, my faith is not shaken, and I am so blessed. I am going to church today, then staying over for the pot luck dinner. I am going to start the ladies game nights they have at church that I hadn't been able to do due to time restraints. I am going to spend more
Time rocking my little grandbabies. So, my priorities have changed. I just wish they would
Have changed sooner. So today, I will just rejoice. I am so blessed. Keep the faith, becky

Yesterday a package arrived

Yesterday, while I was home resting, I got a package. Cheryl has learned I do most of my
shopping online. Since money is so tight, I haven't ordered anything except a pretty do rag type scarf with directions on how to tie it. But I got 2 packages. The first one is a shirt my
Dear friend, Theresa turley ordered me that reads "does this shirt make me look bald?". Oh my gosh, how we laughted. Now a note about Theresa, she has a son who is severly handicapped
And she doesn't let him feel sorry for himself, and she won't let me. I have known her many
Years, she has always been honest with me, and she will not hesitate to call me a big whiner
when it is deserved. I love her for that. She can and does feel empathy and love, and is one of the strongest Christians I know. She doesn't just talk it, she walks it. I have learned
More about Christianity from her than you can imagine. Thank you, my friend. Also while
I was in the hospital, they held a class my cousin charlene and I attended called
"bald is beautiful" or some crazy thing. She and I attended and one of the things
They showed us is that scarves or hats still tend to move around on a bald head.
So if you cut the sleeve off an old t-shirt and snug it on your head first, then
The scarf or hat will stay in place and the baldness is not just hanging out there
My dear friend, Josh Ake came to see me from Wylie yesterday, and he arrived about
The time my mail order scarf and directions came. I had a hard time, so he put
It on his head, tied it in different positions, and modeled for me. I sure wish
I would have thought to make pictures. Then we gathered up old t-shirts, different
Colors, and Josh cut the sleeves off of each one, then modeled for me. Now I have
Color coordinated sleeves, along with ideas on how to tie them, ( there is some you pin)
Some you tie in a rosetta tie, etc. and thanks to Josh, I know how to tie each one
What a friend. Josh is confident in his manliness so this didn't bother him one bit. When
Pastor Mike stopped by to bring us supper, Josh kept cutting and modeling. Didnt
Bother him one bit. Josh, I love you and couldn't ask for a better friend. You
Always seem to know what to do. Today is a blessed day, and it has only begun. I
Woke up, I am breathing without assistance, I made my own coffee, and more than
Anything, I know I am loved by my Creator. I have family that loves me, friends
That love me, and I am not alone. This is huge. When I sold insurance, sometimes
I was the only person that senior would see in a month. So I know me being
Surrounded by so many is huge. I am grateful. Thank you all for the visits, calls,
Mails, cards financial help, suppers, and this morning breakfast. it is appreciated. Keep
The faith. Becky

American cancer society

My sweet sister in law found out the American cancer society does things to help cancer
patients. One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help. And the biggest thing is
getting to Baylor cancer center for chemo 3 days a week. Now if I just needed a ride, it may
not be so bad, but the truth is, the first day, it will take 3 hours for chemo once I got
There. 2nd and 3rd days, 2 hours. I have had many friends still volunteer to take me to
save my life, but the truth is, this has just distressed me. We all have lives, and let's
get real. This would be a hardship on anyone. I have done some checking, thanks to Brenda ,
And the American cancer society would send avolunteer to come to my home, pick me up,
Take me to my chemo or radiation and return me home...all at no cost to me. I just have to
Give 3 days notice, which I should be able to do, except maybe the first week, and I can
maintain some pride and independence. I also have to be able to get in and out of the van
on my own. I can do that. Isn't this awesome?! I am not at all opposed to friends coming
To take me if we just feel like a friendship day, get out of the house day, but this was
All such a blessing to me. I have always been so independent and self sufficient, to now be so
Dependent is humbling. God in his mercy. if any of you hear of other things that would help, let me know. The biggest things I need is supper, which the church seems to be providing. I seem to only be able to eat cold stuff( jello, pudding, ice cream bars, all the yummy stuff, but Cheryl and the boys need supper. There is a pot luck lunch after church on Sunday, and you can bet I will be there. Come see me, or call, or text, or email. I love your notes or letters of encouragement. I have gotten cards and notes from people I do not know, but they know my daughter, or son in law, or sister, and they just want me to know they are praying and I am not alone. Can you imagine? God has put some extraordinary people in my life and one day, I
Hope to meet them all and hug their neck. I am encouraged. If any one out there can think of any
Where I can go to continue to do things on my own, please let me know and I will check into it. I have had friends who have volunteered to do my laundry, and I usually have 2 loads
A week, so I will take them up on it. Thank you all so much. Please continue to take care of
my awesome daughter Amanda, and her great husband James. They have shouldered a big responsibility
Taking care of me. I am still the mama, and I want them ok. From what I here, you guys are
doing a great job of loving on them and it warms my heart. Thank you so much. Keep the faith. I know I am. Becky

My thermos

Several months ago, I was in Tulsa visiting both my brothers and my dear sister in law, Brenda. Brenda
Had gone shopping that day, and some of the things she came home with, was a hand held
Thermos mug/hot drink holder. they hold approx 2 cups of coffee and keep your drink warm
FOREVER! I am not very thoughtful on gifts, my kids can attest to this, so I never would have
thought of buying this gift for anyone. But she bought it for me. I have used it some, but not a lot. Now, let me tell you the cool thing. This thermos holds 2 cups of coffee, keeps my coffee perfect temperature, even if it takes me hours to drink it, and fits perfectly on the
Handle of my walker. We didn't know then what the future held, but God compelled her to buy it
For me, and she did. What an awesome gift, and thank you, Brenda. Now, I'm going to tell some
Thing that isn't mine to tell, but I'm going to tell it anyway. Brenda was diagnosed with breast cancer, and cancer in 15 of her lymph nodes yesterday. Wish she lived closer, we would spend more time together. Brenda is an awesome woman. She truly is, and I have always enjoyed being with her, and spending time with her. She is at stage 2, so there is hope.
I am calling on all my praying brothers and sisters out there to keep Brenda in your
Prayers too. Also, my brother, William, too. He has his hands full, and never
complains. I love Brenda, and she is still in that "shock" stage I was in a few
Weeks ago. Pray, pray, pray for Brenda. Add her to the many prayer lists we have
So it's an odd thing we are going thru this together. I am sure we will spend
Much time on the phone, crying or laughing or comparing notes. Not especially
The way we planned to bond, but I guess we take what we can get. Today, at least
From my perspective, God is good. He has put a joy in my heart, and a song on my
Lips. Cheryl is off today, so we are going to the early movie with Curtis, to see
The Lincoln Lawyer, I will order my tub o buttered popcorn, and for a few hours, life
Will be normal. I have figured out the earlier I get out, the more rested I feel.
So today, Cheryl and I will take advantage of it and be normal. Do something fun. Thank
You, Lord, for this awesome day. A day of life, a day with friends, and a day of
Fun. Mostly, for a day of normalcy. Being normal is fun and good. So today, lord,
I'm grateful. Today I am grateful for my family and friends, and I am grateful
For a day when I feel good. keep praying for me and brenda, and while you are
at it, pray for our caregivers, Cheryl and William. God is good and he can handle
all this. Keep the faith, becky

going out.

I'm better today

Today, I made my own coffee, and didn't land on the floor, not once. Not only does this helps me physically, but it truly helps my self esteem. So I'm not sure what happened yesterday, but it didn't happen today. Took the train to my drs appt yesterday, and tho the idea is great, I will not be able to do it. I just had a reg appt, and I was so worn out, I slept thru my company last night. I slept on the train coming home, or at least tried to sleep, but the
train jerked me around too much. So I will have to find people to drive me. Maybe just some
days when I feel adventurous, I can take the train for a reg appt. So, today is better. God
has truly provided. People (some that I've never met) are bringing me supper every night. This has been such a help. I cannot cook supper, Cheryl works nights and I want to make sure she
eats, and my boys dont know how to cook. So this has been awesome. Isn't it amazing how God
provides. The ladies from church told me yeaterday that this Saturday the men are having their
Mens Breakfast. They want the boys to come over and they will give them breakfast for them to
bring home. Isn't God good? He is still providing, and I know still will. I love the Lord
I love how he is still with me. God did not make me sick, I did that to myself by smoking
Since I was 16. I love smoking. Still do. So, I did this to myself. I do not blame God, and
If you care for me at all, don't you blame God either. Just keep praying for me. I am praying
for the miracle. I keep praying for the long life and to beat this thing. You keep praying
for that with me. But in the end, no matter the outcome, we will go out praising the Lord
Keep the faith, becky

Today I'm feeling sorry for myself

What a morning. I woke up around 4:45, feeling well and all I wanted
was a cup of coffee and sit it my recliner. Shouldnt be asking too
Much, right? I did it yesterday and managed just fine. Should be
Able to manage today, too. I make my way to the kitchen, start the
Coffee and down on the floor I went. Ouch!! Didn't hit my head
Or anything, but boy does it hurt. How am I going to get up? I am
so weak, I barely have energy to get up, and calling loud enough
For help is impossible. So I laid there. I figured out if I could
roll over and get on my knees, I could use the dining room chair
To get myself up. That worked. I made coffee, and sat in my walker
While it made and all turned out well. Coffee if done, now all I have
To do is get to recliner. I have the walker to hold on to, so this
Shouldn't be hard. But it sure was. The next thing I know, I am in
the floor, the walker is tumped over, coffee is gone, and I am in
Pain. Mainly from pride, but now I know I am stuck. Kitchen is dark,
I cannot get my bearings, and I am just laying there moaning softly
To myself. I know I cannot get up, upright the walker, and I
Especially cannot call for help. So I prayed. For God to just take
Care of me, help me figure a way out of this mess, but most of all
just keep me from panicking. The next thing I knew, Dennis was by
My side. In a calm voice, he told me he was here and would help me
Somehow, he picked me up out of the floor and literally carried me
to my recliner. He gently laid me in it, checked to see nothing
But pride was injured, fixed my coffee, and got me settled down
In the recliner. It was not time for him to get up, so I asked him
How he found me. He heard the big loud crash of the walker, and
Coffee thermos flying over. He knew I was in trouble. What an
Awesome man. I am so grateful for him. He made sure I was in my
recliner, had a thermos of coffee, glass of water, walker handy,
told me to stay put, then he went back to bed. So, today I am
Feeling a bit sorry for myself. Things that everyday I took for
granted, have now been stripped from me. This sucks. Now my body
is getting sore, I have scraped skin off my elbows, and I am just
generally whiny. I will work on changing my attitude today, for
For now, I think I will just hang out at this pity party I seem
to have going on. Keep the faith, Becky

Wow, what a difference a day makes!

Debra came to get me from the hospital yesterday, and that was the longest ordeal.
Not only did it take time to release me, but once we left, I was In no hurry. I
so enjoyed being outside I took it all in. We went to walmart to get my many
Medicines to keep me alive, and this took time. Debra then drove me to Justin
To see my daughter, son in law and 4 grandbabies. We ate supper with them, talked
Normal, as if nothing was too wrong. Then I took a tumble in the floor, but
It turned out ok, and life goes on. Debra got me home, where I was greated with
Squeezy hugs from my boys and Cheryl. Shouts about how happy they were to have
Me home, and me so thrilled to be here. When I walked into my back living
Room, my home depot family had bought me a bautiful, soft, cushy, comfy, recliner
So I can join the world of the living, and not be exiled to my room! Can you
Imagine? To be so loved, even by the ones you work with, that they look out
For your total well being. It is also my understanding Curtis has installed
A hand held shower head for my showering convenience, tho I admit, I have been
Too tired to go look at it yet. I can never thank you all enough. Never! I am
Just so blessed.

I would tell you I'm too excited to sleep

But that was not true. I slept like a baby tucked safe in my
Creators arms. Anyone that knows me well, knows I hate drama
In my home. I grew up with drama, and a life out of control. As
An adult, I do not tolerate it. My home, my walls, is my safe
Haven. It is the place I'm safe, can shut the world outside,
Or let it in. It is the place we laugh, love, entertain, and
Relax. Cheryl and my boys are on the same page as I am. So
Today, I get to go home to that. I get to watch Matts antics,
And he's like Robin Williams on steroids, I get to listen to
Dennis begging me to let him drive. I get to listen to their
Friends (ages 14, 15, 16) In my kitchen talking about all they
Have figured out the world, and it warms my heart as I listen
To how naive they are. But that is ok. Let them believe what they
Will and life will show them different, or not. I love living
I love so many little things. I love the smell of dirt, fresh
Cut grass, bluebell homemade vanilla ice cream, or making my own
Ice cream ( wish I had one of those), I love my mamas secret
Ice cream recipe- which I need to pass on. I love to play video
Games, I love cuddling with my grandchildren, I love that Riley
Is a cuddler, and bub, not so much. He's 10. So he will cuddle
With me, with the eye roll, the stiff body, and you can tell
He's praying no one comes in and catches him. He's too cool. The
Very second I tell him he can get up, he is up like a flash.
But the thing I am most grateful for is God has shown me how
Much I am loved. Not only by my precious family, and believe
Me, they are precious. But I am loved by people who are willing
To put their lives on hold and bring me down for my life saving
Treatment. I thought it would be a short wait for them, but I
Found out it will be a few hour ordeal. We may have to play
Skipbo or farkle. Today, I feel so surrounded by love, I am
Overwhelmed. I am glad my daughter is home from New York,
Because she has always been the one I could tell everything
To, and loved me enough to tell me the straight story back
(even if I didn't like it). She has always been respectful
But het wisdom is great, and I respect what she tells me. So
Today, I go home. My home. My safe place. A place where the
World is not so scary. Feel free to drop by anytime. If I am
Too tired for company, I will tell you so. Come make me laugh,
Bring a funny movie, or a funny story, make fun of my
Baldness, or maybe we can go find me a Mohawk wig. I still want
To go to stans with the girls, and sit on the patio, Sandra
And I still need to walk the trail around to it, and we will do
It. Lord, today I just love and praise you for all of these
Blessings you have given me. And they are blessings. I praise
You for making me well enough to go home, I praise you for
Helping me put things back in perspective, all the "things" I
Thought were important, I now know they are not. But Lord,
Today I just praise you for redeeming me, calling me by name,
And I know, that I know I am yours. Today, is a day I love.
Keep the faith. Becky

Tomorrow is the big day!

Tomorrow is the big day I get to go home. I am so thrilled! I have been gone
such a very long time. Cheryl has done such a great job of keeping our little
family together, and holding down the fort. I truly couldnt have done it
without her. It's funny the things you take for granted. Like sleeping in
Your own bed, scrunching your own pillows, sitting on your patio, watching
flowers come up, or watching the garden you planted push it's way out of the
Dirt. I am grateful to have a tomorrow. I am anxious to go back to my church
and worship my Lord and Savior. I am ready to sing praises to him, even tho
they don't come out such a joyful noise. But God knows the voice he gave me,
so he can't quite blame me. And still thru all of this, I love my life.
God never never promised us an easy life, and yet I will praise Him until
my dying breath. As Christians, we want things easy. I have rarely found that
To be true. But I have typically found things humorous. Look at the duck billed
Platypus. This alone should show Gods sense of humor. so I am ready to get out
Of here. I am not sure how long it will take me and Debra to get there. I may
Just want to ride around a bit, look at the sights, breathe some fresh air, or
Look for bluebonnets. But at some point, I will make it home. Thanks for all
The prayers. Keep the faith. Becky

What a Blessed Day

Just to remind people, this is my journey. You may or may not believe
All you read here, but I will always tell you the truth. As my cousin
Charlene can tell you, people come in about 5am and wake you up to take
Your blood pressure. Why it has to be at 5am is beyond me. I figure if
I'm not dead, check it later. But no, 5 am it must be. So this morning,
I was already awake. Waiting on them and working on getting over nausea.
This lady in scrubs came in, and I laughed. I told her I got the jump
On her today. She told me she came in for a different reason. She told
Me she normally works on another floor, but God sent her to talk to me
A minute. She said God told her that the devil keeps whispering in my
Ear, scaring me, sometimes doubting my healing. She held my hand and
Told me God told her I was healed. I would have to walk thru some deep
Dark places to get there, but He would go with me every step. He told
Her he has sent people to help me, and now was the time to loose my
Pride. She said God told her I struggled with pride my whole life
(which is true). She told me to cling tight to God and to my healing.
She told me as time goes by, my 10-15% chance of survival will go up.
When I asked her name, she said it was Angela. What a perfect
Name. Before she left, she told me not to be afraid. God was in this
Room and would remain here with me. So, what a blessed day. For those
Of you that read this and say, "aww, come on! How can that be true".
You can think that, but I am telling you what I know is true. I am
Now in that position I can say what I want and I am going to take
Advantage of it. I know it was true. I know it was a word from God,
And today, I know I was touched by God Himself. How very blessed I
Am. Keep the faith, love becky

My scripture for today

My scripture for today is found in Isiah 43:1. "Do not fear, for I have
Redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine". How awesome this is!
He knows my name and I am His. It is a funny thing that had occured before
I got cancer. I was sometimes too intimated to tell people about Christ,
and some places, like work, it was/is not politically correct. But now, it
doesn't much matter. I have never been a person to beat people over the head
with a Bible. My prayer was always that they could see Christ thru me. That
Is still my prayer. That thru my life and death, they can see and know the
Love of Christ Jesus. He never promised an easy life, but He has always walked
Me thru it. And he still will. I am now hooked up to my second round of
Chemo. Oh lord have mercy, it makes me feel sick! But no pain, no gain, right?
Maybe I can just lay here and go to sleep, and sleep thru all this. I will
Stop with this. I love the Lord. I am clinging to Him tightly. I know he knows
My name, and I am His. Keep praying, and keep the faith. Lve, becky

I am a wimp on chemo.

Ok, let me tell you, after my first round of chemo yesterday, I am
a wimp. Chemo makes me sick and just feel overall yucky. The
good news is, I felt so bad, I just slept for hours. So that was
a good thing. Eating is hard for me, so I take the nausea shot
Before my meal and after. Not that it makes me want to eat, but
At least I don't puke. My lovely friend, brought me an awesome plaque
that reads" Be still and know that I am God". For those that know
me well enough, they know it is one of my favorite scriptures".
this has helped me a great deal. It is a reminder that all I have
To do is be still and just know he is. God told me years ago to
quit smoking, but the rebellious child I am, I didn't listen. Now
I am suffering the consequences of that decision. Good parents
allow us to suffer consequences, and this may be one on those
Times. I pray it is not. I pray he will show just a little of
His grace and mercy and spare me or at least buy me more time
If at the end of this journey, if anyone of you "blame God",
Then I didn't do my job. I am to blame. Me alone. God is my
comfort, my strength, and personally, I've enjoyed hanging out
With Him. I will keep up the fight, y'all keep up the prayer, and
we'll take this as far as it goes. Keep the faith, becky

Today is chemo day

As I sit here hooked up to chemotherapy, I am reminded at how frail my body
Really is. I always think I am strong, hear me roar, and all that seems to
be coming out is a small whisper. Today, that is ok. At least something is
coming out. Chemo is a weird thing. I am nauseated, and I seem really tired.
But today, I feel the presence of the Lord. Stroking my head, telling me to be
still. So, I will be still, I could not go on this journey without God. I
absolutely refuse to blame Him for this because He didn't cause it. Any chance,
ANY CHANCE I have if beating this thing is thru my Lord, Savior,and Creator. I
Will remain safely tucked in his bosom, and being so very thankful I am a Christ
Follower. I have discovered I do not like chemotherapy, I hate the way it makes
Me feel. I look at it tho that it's kinda like childbirth. It's no fun getting
There, but the end result is so worth it. Until next time....keep the faith

I didn't finish my Charlene story, and I'm just learning to blog

That day, Charlene asked me if I wanted her to stay with me, and I told
her no, that it was ok. The truth was, it wasn't ok. I did want her to
stay cuz I'm a big chicken, but I have never quite learned to ask for what
I need from others. With a heavy heart, she left later in the night,
and when I got up the next morning, there was a message on my iPad asking
if I wanted her to come back. As my usual, I told her I was fine, and it
Ok. But it wasn't really ok. I really wanted her here, with me, at night,
When the fear and panic and anger rises, and I beat my fist in my pillow
Screaming and withering in such emotional turmoil, I do not think I can take
it, not one more minute. I do fine in the day, but at night, I am so
Angry that I didn't heed all the anti smoking warnings, and now I am killing
Myself. I will get around to begging forgiveness for this from all the
People that love me, but I can't right now. My beautiful sister had come right away
after my diagnosis. She has been awesome and will return, but she had to go
Home for family business. The last thing my sister asked me is if I wanted
her to call Charlene to come back. I did, so Ruby called, and Charlene came
back that day. I am not so sure why it has been so important to me to have
Charlene here. I don't know if it is that stroke of her hand on me that
Brings me comfort, or the fact that when I cry, she cries with me, or bows
Her head to pray for me, the drs, my children, or all of us, but she prays.
But the most important thing she has done is she slays the dragons while I
Sleep, she keeps the bugger bears at bay, and when all those creepy things
come out at night to play with my mind, she calls on the mighty name of Jesus
To just come hang out with us. I love you, Charlene. Thank you for loving
me back.

My cousin Charlene

For those that do not know, I have a cousin named Charlene. We are first
Cousins on our daddy's side. I love her, and she loves me. She found out I
was ill the day she called to tell me one of my beloved aunts had gone to
be with the Lord. I am a pretty private person, and I have relatives I
haven't told the whole truth to, not because they don't deserve
To hear it, or it is some kind of conspiracy, but simply because
it is too painful for me to talk about right now, and she
gets it. Charlene went to Annie Mae's funeral, along with other
Cousins, and all the cousins called me daily, or sometimes
Several times a day, to keep up with me. I was the one missing
out of the fold. The lost lamb of the Bettge bunch. Even my
cousin Delores, who was burying her precious mama, talked to me
several times a day. What a wonderful family God has given me.
Now, back to Charlene. She had barely made it back from a long
Trip to bury Annie Mae, when she and her husband, Bob made the
Trip over to check on me. It just so happened, within the first
Hour or so, the drs came in to give me one of the most painful
Procedures of my life. The test was to verify eaton-lambert
Syndrome. To do this, they use a form of old military torture
(or so it seems to me). They hook me up to electricity. Hook these to
Sensitive places of my body and turn on the juice. As I am screaming and
withering in pain, Charlene sat right beside me. She let me squeeze her hand
To half its size, she cried when I did, and she bowed her and prayed to
the mighty God we serve. When the test was finally complete, I couldn't
Seem to stop crying, shaking, and panicking. I couldn't think, I couldn't
pray, I could only curl in a ball and hyperventilate. She understood this
She bathed my head with a cold wash cloth, spoke softly to me while drs were
Pumping me full of pain medication and anxiety meds into my ivs, and waited
For me to be ok again, as long as that took. My first conherent words to her,
Was I was so grateful amanda wasn't here with me. It would have broken my
heart for her to see me in that much pain. You parents understand that